hi

[sick&tired]

I am a new member to this site. I signed up a week ago and have spent a great deal of time thinking of what I'll write here. I guess I really haven't come up with anything profound so I'll just say a little about myself.

I am a 30 year old male with a great wife and awesome daughter. I have secretly been using pornagraphy since I was 13 years old. It started out harmless and has gotten out of control in my opinion. It started with magazines, then the internet, and often times the over priced stuff on satellite when I didn't have the internet. My life outside of pornagraphy is very much in control and on the right track but my user name pretty well sums up my recent position in life; sick and tired. I guess that's the first big step is this admission.

I feel like I'm living a double life. The Dr Jykll and Mr Hide story I read on here was amazing. It sums up exactly how I feel. I had an awesome family growing up and have one equally as great now that I am an adult. I don't really know what led me down this path but I feel I have a long road ahead of me. All of my pornagraphy and masturbation habits are hidden from my wife which is making me feel sick inside. She might have a bit of a feeling deep inside but has never mentioned anything. I am tired of this double life.

I want to commit to improving myself and stopping this habit. I have gotten a great deal of help and motivation from reading this site but I think I need to be held accountable by someone. That and I just need to find the inner will power I have in other parts of my life and apply it here. I have casually tried to quit all of this before and have been unsuccesful. I haven't really liked myself because of this stuff for some time. Any pointers or help with any of this would be greatly appreciated.

I have promised myself to fully commit to this in hopes that I can come clean to my wife in the not so distant future but I feel I need to be much further along in my recovery. I would rather tell her what my life USED to be secretly be like. I just want to be proud of myself instead of ashamed. I want to look at other women as people again instead of always looking at them physically (which seems to be out of my control). I want to feel completely like the husband that I appear to be to others.

Thanks for reading all of this. Sorry if it is a bit disorderly.

[JenMac]

Hi Sickandtired!
Welcome to TTF!
Your post is not disorderly at all! It is clear and well written! You have obviously put some thought into this.
I have to tell you, you can be proud of yourself for being here of your own free will. It didn't take getting caught to put you here. It didn't take an ultimatum from your wife to bring you here. You are here of your own volition, knowing the damage this is doing to your sense of self worth and how it is affecting your wellbeing. That is a very positive first step!
You will find many wonderfully supportive people here! They will be a lifeline to you as you start your journey to be Pfree. I have been here for about 7 months along with my H Mac. This site has been a Godsend to us through this entire experience! I don't know where we would be without it.
I suggest you start a journal in the recovery journal thread. Have you considered putting a filter on your computer? Many here find that helpful.
Read and read some more! Keep coming here as often as you can. Change your daily habits!
The support of people here, who have been through what you are experiencing is by far the best there is! I know you will get a lot from being here S&T!
Wishing you all the best as you begin your journey!
Jenn

[sick&tired]

Jenn,

I really appreciated reading your kind words. It was nice hearing that I should be proud of myself for taking the first step. That will really help motivate me.

[astander]

I totally agree with JenMac -- very impressive that you're here on your own, it's a great start. Hope to hear more from you.

[2frustrated]

Get a sponsor in the sponsor forum. It has helped me a lot.

[Cupcakemomma]

Well, the other ladies have pretty much covered it, so I'll just say welcome. Good for you for taking this step.