A Turn in the Road

[Broken Trust]

Hello,

I joined this forum one week ago and took some time to read through some journals and posts before deciding to take the plunge and introduce myself. I feel accountable already.

Some history: I'm 25, married, with a daughter who's almost a year old. It's been 12 years since I first discovered P, and shortly thereafter started to MB. As many of you can guess, this (in retrospect) has had a massive impact on my intimate life, which has only recently started become healthier. At such a young age I had no idea that what I was getting into would lead to this. It was exciting, I was impressionable, and I was also most likely using it as an escape from my home life.

12 years... until last week. A year ago my SO confronted me about my usage. I have, since I discovered the internet world of P, been careful to cover my use. As I grew, so did my paranoia, and I started to get more and more careful. Not that I thought it was wrong at the time, just that it was painfully private. Well, a year ago I had gotten sloppy and left something up... a drunk night out I think, but ultimately it doesn't matter.

She got mad.
We made up.
2 weeks later I made another mistake.

Now, this is probably the most emotionally raw memory I can remember. I love my wife, but I couldn't see how I was hurting her. We made up again, and I promised I would never, ever look at porn again. She found this site and recommended I have a look, sign up, and start DOING something about it. And this was all up until a year ago.

Now, while I'd like to say I've kept that promise, it turns out that a relapse is dangerously easy to slip into. A poster, commercial, music video. Which is how I ended up here again, for real this time, and decided it was time to take this problem seriously. I had been using non-P images, videos, etc. to fill my fix. I've been 1 week sober, and I'm starting to realize what a long road is laid out before me.

So thank you, to all the journalers who've motivated me, and I'm looking forward to joining this community

-BT

[chasman62]

BT:

Welcome to TTF. Great first post....full of hope (I think) and plenty of motivation to succeed. Start a journal yourself and chronicle your journal, read how others have successfully negotiated the path that you have started on.

You will find support and help and a great community of people on here. I would also suggest that encourage your SO to join the community of ladies here on TTF who work through their pain together.

Chas

[ryan.thomp41]

Hi BT

I'm also new here and haven't shared my expectations yet. I just read your post full of hope and motivation and I feel I can also do like you and turn my life.
I started watching porn a fews years ago and couldn't be free until now.

[Broken Trust]

Chas, thanks for the welcome. I'll get started on a journal when I get some time, hopefully this weekend. Life seems to find a way to fill up all my free time!

Ryan, my SO said something to me last night that really got through to me. She wasn't talking about my history with P, rather the business that's she gotten started in. But what she said was, "Do something for 3 weeks and it's a habit, do it for two months and it becomes a way of life."

I really had a hard think on that. I've been using P for 12 years. The last year it's mostly been in my mind. I've managed to stay away from most of the real stuff, but it's still been there. 12 years is more than a habit to me... it's now a way of life, ingrained in my brain. How has my personality changed to handle it? How deep does that way of life affect me? I'm still puzzling it out, and I'm hoping that in another 12 years I'll have it bottled.

I guess all that rambling amounts to this: the sooner you start, I think the sooner you'll be able to pull yourself out of it. It's a tough fight, and I feel divided against myself at times. I'm going to stick at it though, even if 20 years from now I still have to stem the tide!

[ryan.thomp41]

Thanks BT.

These words are really deep."Do something for 3 weeks and it's a habit, do it for two months and it becomes a way of life."
I believe these words can be applied in any area of our lives.
The only thing I could start at this momment was reading as much as possible about my problem. Besides the content om TTF I found a very good source in quitporn. net

I really don't understand how other people watch porn and think it's funny or cool. I started just for curiosity and became a slave.
I try to talk to my nephew who is 16 and it's seems he thinks I'm old fashion. He watches with his best friend and I really get upset. I'm ashamed to tell him about my problem and think one day he can be like me.

[dave42]

Hi Broken Trust, Chasman and Ryan:

I also became a slave to porn. I started when I was a teenager looking at my older brother's magazines, then movies, then the Internet. I'm 45 and I've been addicted since I was about 13 I guess. That's, what?...32 years of porn addiction, broken promises to self and to loved ones, wasted time, wasted money, guilt and shame. We are so lucky to have this site where we can help each other.

Today is my 9 month sobriety date! Woo hoo! My tools of recovery: SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous, which is like Alcoholics Anonymous, but for people addicted to porn, sex, etc.), a strong Internet filter (Net Nanny), and the support of my family.

My best,

Dave

[theotheri]

BT,

Don't give up brother! Stop being so hard on yourself too! Love yourself more. You are human. We all are. So you like porn- big deal! Ask yourself where the harm is. That's what I did. And the answer was that it was hurting my sexual energy and intimacy with my girlfriend. (present and past)

3 weeks later I haven't jerked off to online porn/videos/image once! Feeling great about the situation too! If my girlfriend is around we are intimate. If not I try to avoid masterbating period but sometimes I can't help it. No problem but I know, (only you yourself know brother) that it's not abusive. Try to avoid all sexual contact with anyone but your wife and see how you feel. At 25 you should be busting brother, busting!

So for you, why not channel your sexual energy towards your wife? Is she fulfilling all your sexual needs and desirs? Are you fulfilling hers? If not try some communication on that subject and less guilt and blame. Wasted energy brother, totally wasted!

Good luck!

Chas, thanks for the welcome. I'll get started on a journal when I get some time, hopefully this weekend. Life seems to find a way to fill up all my free time!

Ryan, my SO said something to me last night that really got through to me. She wasn't talking about my history with P, rather the business that's she gotten started in. But what she said was, "Do something for 3 weeks and it's a habit, do it for two months and it becomes a way of life."

I really had a hard think on that. I've been using P for 12 years. The last year it's mostly been in my mind. I've managed to stay away from most of the real stuff, but it's still been there. 12 years is more than a habit to me... it's now a way of life, ingrained in my brain. How has my personality changed to handle it? How deep does that way of life affect me? I'm still puzzling it out, and I'm hoping that in another 12 years I'll have it bottled.

I guess all that rambling amounts to this: the sooner you start, I think the sooner you'll be able to pull yourself out of it. It's a tough fight, and I feel divided against myself at times. I'm going to stick at it though, even if 20 years from now I still have to stem the tide!

[HopefulsRock]

Broken, trust in the open communications here at TTF and welcome. I'm twice your age married 31 years with 3 daughters and wish I had the insight that you have at 25 to realize the problem. Congratulations on a week of sobriety you're definitely heading the right direction. I'm not sure of the customs on that large island off the coast of France but I'm pretty sure you stood before some friends, family, and God and promised in one way or another to love honor and cherish your wife forever so every time you look at P or another woman with lustful thoughts and MB you are cheating her out of that promise. Sorry if I sound harsh, I'm just trying to help you see how your using hurts her. early on I found the book, "Every Man's Battle" by Fred Stoeker that helped me to understand things better and offer great direction for success in your relationship. He gets a little religious at times but aside from that there is great insight to recovery and healing.
I wish you well for your sake, your wife and your daughters.

[dave42]

Well said, Hopeful Rocks! Broken Trust: where are you? How's it going. Hope you are doing great, but however you are doing we support you and need your insights, so keep them coming!

[Broken Trust]

Hi Dave, thanks for a reality check. I've been around, bu since my earlier posts I've nt been around much. The SO has reently started a home business and is going all out on it, so I've taken over a lot of the houshold duties. I've also quit my job so she can really focus on it and I'll be a full time dad.

I thank the words I'v gotten in response to this first foray. I want to start a journal to really keep me on track, but to get it started I've been telling myself that i'll need time to really sit down and focus on starting. In the last few days the realization has come to me that that's a weak excuse and I should just sit down and do it. Of course, I'm doing it here instead though... I really need to do it!

In the last few weeks i've been experimenting with a "sex-free" mindset. Since I started P so young I think I got it stuck in my head that all women are sexualized. So I Marshall my thoughts and try to be mentally celibate. Which is trick when things get intimate with my SO... Has anyone tried this? It seems the only way to guard against the desire... To be ever vigilant.

-BT