happy to see hope...

[froggy]

I came here from a google search, and I am so excited and relieved to have found this forum.#:-s

A little background-
I am a SO in my early 20s.... I just found out my (ex) fiance has a problem three days ago... One week before our first anniversary. I was so devastated. I had known SOMETHING was wrong but I didn't know what. I was afraid to ask. He says he has been struggling with this since he was a younger teen; he is now 24.

Our engagement is now off because of this discovery, but we are still together and both of us want to work through this.. He admitted to me "I have a problem.... PLEASE help me!" So I am doing everything I can to help him find resources, etc. He has also been doing his own research and installed accountability software with me as the receiver of the reports of his own volition. This is giving me some hope...

Oddly I feel almost better now that I know about it.... I am not constantly wondering what the nagging feeling of dread is.... I am still very worried but at least i now know exactly what it is I am up against.

I am looking forward to having everyones insight to help me on the way.

[OpenEyes]

I am a PA and I am sorry for the situation that you are in, but, I am glad you found this community. You will find a lot of very helpful people here.

As for your ex-fiance, admitting he has a problem is a big first step and the accountability software is another. You should feel hopeful with these steps from him. Coming to terms with just how big a problem this is will probably be pretty hard for him.

May I suggest you look over the articles section here on this website and run a search for "Porn Addiction Survey" and have him take as many of the surveys as you two find. That was my defining moment and may help him understand how he is thinking, seeing it spelled out in black and white.

This is just a suggestion, and I hope he signs up for this forum as well, he will find a lot of support and some people willing to talk some sense into him when needed.

I wish you well and peace of heart.

[JenMac]

HI Froggy!
Welcome to TTF! I am so glad you found us! I remember the feeling of relief as well. This is a wonderful forum full of giving people who can help to support you through this difficult time. My H, Mac and I have been here for about 6 months and have found it to be a Godsend.
I am also happy to see that your bf is making steps to head in the direction of recovery. That is a positive sign. I know, for me, I needed to see my H take those steps for me to committ to standing by him through this. It is a lot of hard work, it is a painful journey but 6 months later I can tell you we are in a better place. We are stronger, closer and happier as a couple than we have been in a long time. It took a lot of honesty, openess and patience for us to reach this place. Expressing your thoughts and needs is very important. Your bf needs to know how damaging this is to himself, to you and to your relationship. If he already realizes he has a problem, that is a blessing but he will most certainly discover much more along the way.
Read, read, read!!
It is also suggested that you write your bf a letter outlining what you are feeling. I found that to be very helpful! Start a journal in the SO journal thread. The SOs here are fabulous and they will gather round you in support.
All the best Froggy!
Keep coming back!
Jenn
ps I love your name!

[froggy]

Thanks for your responses.

I am happy he is making steps without me pushing him (beyond my initial confrontation with him after I found out). As it is, I am afraid that one wrong move on my part will push him away from me and away from recovery. I have been trying to be careful to talk to him about things calmly....trying to show interest in his recovery steps without getting pushy or trying to take over.

I hope this isn't "TMI" but...I hadn't realized just how desensitized we all are to sex until last night when we were watching a TV show (from a subscription based channel) with my mother and 14 y/o brother... The main female character engaged in rather graphic casual sex and nobody flinched! :-o I had to ask my mother to please fast forward through that part (luckily we were watching it on DVR). I can't even watch the TV shows we like without being on guard! ~X(