Recharge

[theotheri]

Hello all!

I've arrived here in search of some support. I would like to kick my internet porn habit once and for all.

Quick recap-

36 year old man, currently in a steady relationship with a stunning girl. Sex is not all is should be because I am watching internet porn and masterbating to it probably 2x per day. I masturbated to various television shows since a very young age and when the internet arrived I think I kicked my habit it full gear. It has been on and off but never off for more than a few weeks really.

I feel that this bad habit is draining my sexual energy and want it back! Perhaps age has caught up with me. Starting around 30 I noticed some ED issues that I am sure are related but would also appreciate some advice. Can anyone tell me whether cutting down or eliminating internet porn (tv too) would increase my sexual energy? That's really my goal here. Based on my brief review of some of the posts I don't believe I completely share the view that porn and masturbation are always harmful, but in my case it sure seems like I am overdoing it. I am probably most concerned about my natural sexual energy and vitaility. I want it back! I am quite active and very healthy otherwise and I am very positive and successful person. I am spiritual but not at all religious so please don't preach to me.

Thanks for reading and responding. I look forward to putting this nasty habit behind me!

[gideon]

Hi
New guy here, so not in big position to give advice. But I also came form a 2x habit and was of a previous belief that a little P was no harm. all I can say so far is:

1. yes,massive P, TV and escapism general will impede your sex life
2.there's no controlled us of P for addicts. Once you look, the brain hardwires it back into your response system and it anchors the craving. You have to decide to quit for good.
3. I definitely recommend journaling as it keeps you honest.

Good news is that it's possible. See the many examples in this forum.
Good luck!
G.

[theotheri]

Thank you very much for responding to my post Gid.

I will attempt to keep a short journal of my experiences. I am actually on my 3rd day without internet porn and feeling positive about it.

While I agree that I have clearly done myself a dissservice allowing the habit to reach this point I do not believe that this is something that would constitute an addiciton. It is more of a habit in my opinion and I will therefore treat it as such although I will definitely try very hard to refrain my watching internet porn at all for the next little while and hopefully watch my stamina build back up.

[Mac]

Welcome to the TTF site, you will find this site is a great resourse for your recovery
I agree with what Gideon has said to you, but if I may I would like to expand on that a little.
I will be to the point here but I in no way intend to insult you in anyway.
You feel that you have a habit and not an addiction. You can call it whatever you like. You tell us you have a stunning girlfriend ( Stunning really hasn't got anything to do with this, if you are in a committed relationship that's all that should matter) yet you turn to P & MB. You use P & MB twice a day and then wonder if that is affecting your performance with this lady you're with. You are cheating yourself and her out of a normal healthy intimate relationship. You know in your own mind that the P & MB is affecting your s-- life with your girlfriend yet you continue this behavior. Habit? Addiction?
Is there anything wrong with MB? Well I guess we have all been taught that it is a very natural thing and I guess it is, in the right context. When used in conjunction with P thats where the problems start. P however I feel is a whole different thing. I know for me i grew up in a time where it was pretty much accepted as just something guys do and I guess I have to admit I to had that view.During my recovery from PA I have learned a lot about the industry itself and the horrific abuses that are taking place. The problem being, as a PA all the abuse and violence are rendered invisible by the s-- acts that we are watching. If you step back for a second and think about all the unnatural things that you see how can anyone in good conscience think it's OK.
We all make our own judgements about things, but do yourself a favour as I did and do some research into the industry. It was a real eye opener for me and it became a huge part of my recovery. From where I stand now it is just not acceptable to take the position that no one is getting hurt.
You are asking some good questions and I think if you do a little soul seaching you will have your own answers.
Myself I have been P & MB free for nearly 7 months and IMO there is absoluetly no place in a healthy, loving relationship for any amount of P.

Great to see you here Theotheri and I hope you take my reply to your post in the good spirit that it was given.

All the Best
Mac

[theotheri]

Mac,

Your comments are so thoughtful and sincere. I really appreciate them and recognize that the time you take to respond to me is a precious gift. Thank you!

I'm on Day 4 now and feeling stronger.

As far as addiction goes, I can tell you that many times in the past I have gone over a week alone with my girlfriend (this one and others) without watching internet porn. I didn't self-destruct. There was no withdrawal. Yes, I occasionally thought about it and there were moments when she wasn't around when I almost did but I had no trouble otherwise. That to me is the sign of a bad habit, not an addiction, ie smoking, drugs, alcohol, etc.

I am very liberal and open minded guy and don't see anything wrong with pornography like anything, in moderation. I think it is close minded to dismiss the entire industry and the role that the fantasy outlet can play in a man's life as malevolent. Too much is a problem, clearly for me and others.

[chasman62]

Theo;

First of all welcome to TTF. I hope you will consider starting a journal of your progress on your journey to recovery. Many of us have found that extremely helpful. We have been right where you are now, many of us with exactly the same issues, and we are happy and willing to encourage you and provide a sympathetic ear.

I just wanted to add my 2 cents to what has already been said on here. Firstly, the terminology that you use to describe the problem may or may not be important. Deciding to call it a 'habit' an 'addiction' or a 'compulsion' is to some extent semantic. Even experts can't totally agree of where the boundaries of these terms are when it comes to behavioral problems. I guess my only concern would be that by calling it a 'habit' you run the risk of trivializing both its psychological significance (compulsively viewing p and mbing is for the most part a replacement behavior...using this activity as a subtitute for true intimacy and openness) and how difficult it is to break the 'habit'. For many of us, accepting that we are de facto addicts is crucial in being able to break down barriers to recovery. Classic 12-step programs that were developed for chemical dependency problems have proven to be very useful for many in truly conquering pa and sa as well, and learning about them and how they work is valuable even if you dont formerly join a group and follow one.

Although clearly one definition of addiction is 'physical dependency' which results in a clear set of clinical symptoms upon cessation of using (eg nicotine, heroin, alcohol) there are many severe addictions/compulsions for which there is no such physical dependency...cocaine abuse for example, and impulse control disorders like gambling, s*x, shopping etc. You may experience no physical symptoms at all, although many experience mood disturbances and depression etc because of their use of p/mb as a psychological crutch. Presumably something happened to make you go back to using each time, after a few days off, probably an overwhelming craving for your p/mb fix 'triggered' maybe by seeing something or reading something. That is the very definition of an addiction ie acting out in a manner that you know is detrimental to you and/or others (your SO in this case) but feeling powerless to prevent it.

The question of whether p is always bad and harmful is one that maybe you can discuss in the abstract but not in the particular. As someone who has accepted his PA, I am not able now to view the entire internet s*x and p 'industry' in all its forms (not merely the commercial p sector) as anything other than destructive and corrosive and something that I personally must put as much as distance as possible from me and my loved ones.

I wish you the best of success in recovery. Again I would urge you not to trivialize this issue because I did that for over 15 years and it nearly ruined my life. Develop a serious, committed plan, engage others in it, and move forward to a brighter p-free future.

Chas

[theotheri]

Thanks Chaz. I am grateful for the time and effort that you put into responding to my post.

I will add, briefly, that I believe that labels can be detrimental in society. I have a family member who suffers from some emotional issues that were mislabeled in the past but once this person got out from the under the label they were treated differently and was able to overcome an unfair stigma.

Similarly, I don't believe watching too much porn is really an addiction. It is as you suggest indicative of underlining emotional and intimacy issues perhaps, and also possibly just immature behavior. I am now 3 days without it and feeling pretty damn good!

To others like myself I suggest you take it easy on yourself, figuratively and litereally, and love yourself a little more. You need to show yourself love before you can really share your love with others.

Peace and Love,

(bighug)(bighug)(bighug)

[City Fool]

Just breezed through the posts and I think I got the gist of who you are and what you're looking for.
First, being here is worth it's weight in gold.
Post/read often and don't be shy. No one here will judge or be anything but understanding and supportive.

Some PA's get pretty honest but half of our battle is taking this out of the dark.

ED? It's P driven. If you have no problem while viewing P and can MB normally, then yes, you've dulled your sensitivity.

Don't be afraid to take this to a doctor. There are times when you need a jump start.
If your gal is the stunner you describe, it shouldn't take long but the more you mess around with P, the longer it will take and you run the risk of losing this gal. And what will you have left? Not much but remorse and guilt. Consider, and I mean think long and hard about this, letting her know what's going on.
If she finds out by accident, well you fill in the blank.

Stay connect to people. If you care for your gal, spend more time with her doing fun things. Be a bit crazy and romantic.
Limit your computer time and if you have other methods of accessing P, ditch them pronto!
Pay attention to the folks here. Pay attention to the PA's who are making great strides and how well they feel and how much their SO's support them.
Remember, this is a marathon with no finish line. It's not a sprint.
You have a lot of plusses in your favor. Use them to your advantage.
Keep in mind how you'd look if you were viewing P in the middle of the street. Or in front of some you respect. Including your self.
Position a small mirror where you can see only your face as you view P and take a good look at the man in the mirror.
This is rather grim but if you view a lot of P, there's a good chance some of the people you're seeing are dead. Drugs, sickness or "No Longer Needed".
Many have been drugged and forced into s*x unwillingly.
The P industry is brutal and heartless and the cost in human suffering is tremendous.

Best of luck.
Post often, ask questions and keep that gal.

CF

[theotheri]

ED? It's P driven. If you have no problem while viewing P and can MB normally, then yes, you've dulled your sensitivity.

Can't thank you enough for this statement. It is so heartwarming you have no idea.

I hope you're right CF, and honestly feel that you are; My gut (and my groin) seem to be sympathetic to your comments. I respect your suggestion to share my challenges with my girlfriend but feel that it is best to keep things private. She puts me on a pedestal and it would shatter her image of me and wreak havoc on our relationship if I did reveal the problem. Frankly I would survive and thrive if this relationship ended as I always do, I am very confident and content and my pseudo- Buddhist perspective and beliefs don't often let me become too attached things. I do genuinely want this relationship to continue and have strong hopes for a long future with this girl though and I feel that this is something best kept private. So does my personal mental health therapist btw. She agrees it would be disastrous to reveal it to her or anyone really. I have been battling with this issue for many years and never been caught Ever. I am not proud of this fact but am still aware of it. It's partly a function of my mental framework (I am devlishly good at compartmentalizing things) but also just the way I have insulated my conventional persona from this nasty behavior. The 'Other I' indeed. So with that I am pleased to report another day without porn. It seems that 10-10-10 is thus far bringing me good fortune!

A point worth noting I believe is that it usually isn't necessarily traditional pornography that gets me going. It is often images on *removed* that I am well acquainted with. Typically that leads to more obscene content but not always and often the reverse. Not sure what that says about my problem but I recognize the voyeuristic element.

[chasman62]

T;

No disrespect but there are so many red flags and scary rationalizations in your last post that I really don't know where to start.

My only question to you is do you really, really want to rid yourself of your pa or merely titrate it down somewhat so that you can have 'normal' relations with your gf?

If it is the former then you need strategies to succeed that certainly will involve changing your current approach....if its the latter....I really dont know what to say.