Very Excited To Be Here

[spalmer69]

Hi everyone.
My name is Scott. I spent a few hours at work last night looking up a few places to get support with my problem and my efforts to remove it from my life. I found this place and spent a few hours reading through things. Looks like a GREAT place to be.
I am a 41 year old man who has finally decided to come clean that I have had a problem. Ive been shrugging it off for years but cannot do it anymore.
It has become a problem in my latest marriage. We are separated for the second time in a year. I thought I always knew what love was, but it wasnt until I met THIS woman that I really knew what TRUE LOVE was. If thats the case.....why did I do the things I did? Thats always the hardest question to answer. Even when I ask myself the question. I have never physically cheated on my wife,but certainly did things that disrespected her AND our marriage. Went through a stretch of being alone between her and my previous wife and always thought that the P was better than going out and having "one nighters." I thought that would be the easiest way to scratch any itch that I may have. Im certainly not saying it all started after my previous marriage. I admit its been a problem for a long time. Its hard for me to "let people in." Always has been. The P was a way to not really have to get close to anyone. I could go on and on but I read we were supposed to keep our introductions short. One last thing.....My wife and I separated in November of last year. I busted my butt working on my issues. Also read lots of books on relationships. Christian based books. My son and I were baptized together on Easter Sunday. Long story a little less longer.....we ended up getting back together in June and I WAS on my best behavior. I was a new person. I respected my wife and my marriage and she claimed on more than one occasion that she had fallen in love all over again with the man I had become. It turns out the past issues were still weighing heavily on her mind though. She started freaking out and asked me to move out again in August. While I can sit here and say that I am a changed person, I now admit that its not that easy. That urge and temptation is there every day. It is a daily struggle. Especially now that I am alone again. I respect my wife very much now and AM 100% totally in love with the woman. I cant even begin to describe how in love I am with her. While it doesnt sound like its totally over yet, I want to help her get through all of her feelings and paranoias. I want to show her that she can eventually trust me again. Anyway.....I realize Im writing a book here, but Ive got a lot of feelings to get out. I apologize. Im looking forward to the upcoming discussions. Im looking forward to the support you can provide. Im looking forward to any support I may be able to provide someone. Any of you can ask me ANYTHING you may think will help me on my journey. I am very excited to be here
Scott :-<

[JenMac]

HI Scott!
Welcome to TTF! I am an SO here and my H Mac belongs to this site as well. You have come to the absolute right place. You will find wonderful people here who will help support you on your journey. There are many here who have experienced the same feelings you have.
I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing within your relationship but unfortunately that goes along with this addiction. I know you said you are separated from your wife but perhaps she might find it helpful to join us here for her own healing.
You will find lots of information here at TTF. Read, read, read. Read the articles, the recovery journals, the journals of SOs. Read about the industry that you have been supporting and what an abusive and degrading industry it is.
I hope you will find it helpful to be here Scott! For Mac and I, it has been a Godsend! I hope you will find that you can start to fight this addiction and regain your self esteem, as well as the life that you desire to live. It is a terrible shame that sometimes we have to lose all before we can recognize that we really want what we had.
I am glad you are here! Perhaps you can start a journal in the recovery journal forum.
Keep coming back!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

Scott,
First, welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery now for a year. His nickname on TTF is Artguy34. You have definitely come to a great place to seek support and healing on the road to recovery from PA.

A couple of suggestions and thoughts for you as you begin this journey:

Something my husband's therapist told us is that the emotional crush from PA can come back to an SO at any time, no matter how long the recovery. Something simple can trigger it years later. Read in the Partner's Forum. Understand what PA does to us as SOs. It may help you better communicate with your wife and help her heal so you both can work on your relationship together.

I also encourage you to read this thread: Why does P equate to infidelity, or does it?

You mentioned in your introduction that you did not physically cheat on your wife during your P use. A lot of SOs view P use as cheating. There are some really great posts in the thread to help you understand why.

You might encourage your wife to join us here at TTF. Being the SO of a PA can feel very lonely and isolating. It may help her to begin to heal if she understands she is not alone.

PA recovery is a long road and can be very difficult on relationships. It sounds like you are very committed to making it work and helping your wife heal. You will find both hope and healing here.

You may consider starting a journal in the Recovery Journal's section. I would also encourage you to read the recovery journals of some of our married PAs: Mac, Daniel, FoolishMind, Mell and Artguy34 are just a few that come immediately to mind.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[mell]

Scott,

Welcome to TTF.

Jenn and Chris gave you enough to keep you busy for a couple days! The SOs here are amazing and have helped me in so many ways.

I am a recovering PA. I too have a hard time 'letting people in'. It is a (poor) defense I have used since a very young age. IMO this is a large part of the root problem for many PAs. I let things build until I need a release, then I turn to P. The hardest thing for me is to let go of the day to day issues of life, through resolution or the understanding thet they are beyond my control.

Just guessing here, this may be a reason your wife is still uneasy. You may have made some changes, but does she know about them?

How have you changed? If it is just a matter of not using P, she may not see it. For me it is easy to stay sober for a few weeks after a relapse. Then, things cool down and I start to settle back into the old bad habits. It always goes to the same place.

Recovery is change and it is a lifelong process. You can do it with support from the right people. This is a good place to start.

Wishing you the best.

-Mell

[spalmer69]

HI Scott!
Welcome to TTF! I am an SO here and my H Mac belongs to this site as well. You have come to the absolute right place. You will find wonderful people here who will help support you on your journey. There are many here who have experienced the same feelings you have.

Thanks Jen.
Again, I am really looking forward to spending a lot of my time here :)

I am sorry for the difficulties you are experiencing within your relationship but unfortunately that goes along with this addiction.

I understand that NOW. Im sure I was like MANY others in the beginning. Couldnt understand why she was THAT mad and upset. I had the "I didnt CHEAT on you" attitude. The fact of the matter is....I DID. Putting myself in HER situation, I would have reacted much like she did. I will honestly tell you that I probably wouldnt have even stuck around. She is a special woman (much like most all of you are) and I do NOT want to lose her.

I know you said you are separated from your wife but perhaps she might find it helpful to join us here for her own healing.

I would LOVE for her to sign up here and see what is going on with other couples however....I think I will wait just a little while. I dont want to fall into a situation where she thinks Im just on here to try to prove to her that Im working on some stuff. Kind of a cover up kind of thing. Does that make sense at all? Plus, she is still in the angry, stubborn, hardheaded phase (and understandably so) where I think SHE thinks she can handle her own problems and doesnt need an online support community. I WILL bring this to her attention however. Just want to spend a little time here first. I told her I want to help her through this and just because Im wanting to do that doesnt mean I want to get things back together ASAP. I KNOW that would defeat the purpose. I will help her and I will wait as long as I have to wait to have my wife back. I'll DEFINATELY be starting a journal ASAP :)
Scott

[spalmer69]

Scott,
First, welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery now for a year. His nickname on TTF is Artguy34. You have definitely come to a great place to seek support and healing on the road to recovery from PA.

Thank You Cris!
I look forward to meeting your Husband and trying to learn from your situation in order to help me through my own.

. Read in the Partner's Forum. Understand what PA does to us as SOs. It may help you better communicate with your wife and help her heal so you both can work on your relationship together.

I also encourage you to read this thread: Why does P equate to infidelity, or does it?

As I stated to Jen....I am really hoping to get her here eventually. I want her to know there is a place to go for some help and understanding. Im just going to give it a little bit of time though.

PA recovery is a long road and can be very difficult on relationships. It sounds like you are very committed to making it work and helping your wife heal. You will find both hope and healing here.

I am committed. Ive been committed since we separated the first time back in November. I dont dare say I would have NEVER caved in again. That is just plain stupidity. I will say that from the time we separated until the time we got back together in June...I had been flying right by keeping myself extremely busy with books and prayer. She just wigged out with bad thoughts from the past and paranoia. All of that is understandable! I do NOT feel that she should have just asked me to leave however. I do understand how the anger would make her want to do that but I felt that it was something we could have tried to go through while staying together. Maybe Im wrong and I dont realize her anger as much as I think I do.
Thanks again for the welcome Cris!!
Scott

[spalmer69]

Scott,

Welcome to TTF.

Thanks Mell!

I am a recovering PA. I too have a hard time 'letting people in'. It is a (poor) defense I have used since a very young age. IMO this is a large part of the root problem for many PAs. I let things build until I need a release, then I turn to P. The hardest thing for me is to let go of the day to day issues of life, through resolution or the understanding thet they are beyond my control.

I'm no Dr. Phil Mell, but I think a lot of it had to do with when my parents told me at a very young age that I was adopted. I think maybe subconsciously I took that as someone didnt want me and gave me up. Instead of looking at it as....someone gave me up but someone DID want me. Thats why they adopted me. A five year old cant rationalize that way though. Or its hard for them anyway. Ive always had problems letting people in. Ive always been self conscious. I dont want to say withdrawn but not the life of the party or anything. I am a nice guy and polite but dont like any part of the spotlight shining on me. I've never trusted any woman in my life. Not girlfriends. Not wives. My current wife is the one Ive trusted the most and yet, still seemed to be a little jealous and apprehensive about her telling me the truth. During our first separation though...the light finally came on. If she didnt love me...she would not still be here throughout all the crap Ive put her through with my personal issues. As I stated...the P was a way for me to NOT have to get close to anyone. Wouldnt have to "let them in" just to be hurt by them. And I too have sought out the P when things have gotten tough or stressful. Its always been a way to make myself feel better and forget about things. If even only temporary.

just guessing here, this may be a reason your wife is still uneasy. You may have made some changes, but does she know about them?

She knows only what I have told her. With my past however....It IS hard for her to take my word. Ive violated the trust she had for me and she had a LOT of trust for me in the beginning. She KNOWS I busted my butt during our 5 month separation. She has seen all the books I read during that time. She admitted several times during our reconcilliation that she had fallen in love with me all over again and she liked the man I had become. Thats all I have to go by. Things were good. Much better than before then BOOM...I was told I needed to leave during our 4th-5th month after getting back together. No particular incident caused it. Nothing happened. I was not "busted" for anything. She basically told me only a week or so ago that she was so confused how she could be so "at peace" with me cuddling with her on the couch watching tv one minute and not even be able to look at me the next. Because of the past stuff. Again...I guess it was just a fear of what COULD have happened?

How have you changed? If it is just a matter of not using P, she may not see it. For me it is easy to stay sober for a few weeks after a relapse. Then, things cool down and I start to settle back into the old bad habits. It always goes to the same place.

Although the thought of P has been there...I wasnt doing it when we got back together. I think maybe had I had nightly talks with her like I had PLANNED to do upon reconciling..it would have helped and maybe put her at ease a little bit more. I will be honest, at the time she asked me to leave again a month or so ago...out of anger and resentment, I wanted to go nuts on the P. Just to get back at her. Get even, if you will. I was very angry and upset for a few weeks after moving out. I felt like if she was having a hard time with things from the past...we could have/should have stayed together while working on getting her mind cleared up as much as it can be anyway).

Thanks a LOT Mell. I am glad to be here. Relieved even.
Scott

[City Fool]

Welcome Scott!

Anyone who finds his site finds relief. Not a cure or the answer to their problem. But Support and a sense of belonging.

No one judges. You get sound advice and you choose what works best for you and your SO.

I've been busy getting some pre-winter chores accomplished but we'll have time to catch up. Meanwhile. Read, learn, gain strength and chart a new course.

Glad you're here.

CF

[Sonomette]

Hi Scott! Glad you're here! It's a bit belated, I know....

I'm a SO of a PA (sonoma, but he's not active very much these days) and am so glad we found this site. It's been, as CF said, a non-judgmental, supportive place, and I have learned so much since I have been here. Down the road, perhaps your wife would be interested in poking around the site as well?

Looking forward to getting to know you better...

S'ette

[City Fool]

Down the road, perhaps your wife would be interested in poking around the site as well?

S'ette

Involving your SO more than doubles your ability to recover. You'll see that as you read around the site.

Perhaps it's an issue of increased accountability, extra support, making amends, whatever.
I've seen a lot of very troubled folks join and the ones who commit with their SO, the PA's who post often and frankly, even though it may be shameful at first, those partners seem to move forward more quickly.
It doesn't make the PA a non-issue but it's out in the open that fact alone makes recovery seem more than a desire. It makes recovery a reality. A reachable goal.
The stakes are high but the gain is worth the effort.
Don't discount any victory and don't dwell too long on any failure.
Use the site guidelines, make your plan and move forward.

Best of Luck!

CF