New here and scared as heck

[Cupcakemomma]

Hi everyone.
I'm Sarah, I'm an SO of an addict, and have been lurking around for most of the last 24 hours. I'm at a very confusing place in my life right now, and am badly in need of people who understand, as I'm too scared to talk to any of my friends about the problems my bf and I are facing. Everyone of them just tells me to leave, but they don't seem to realize how hard a thing leaving is to do. I'm so glad I found a group of like-minded peoplewho don't see this as the end of everything. I want to help him get better, because I know this person who has kind of taken over is not who he really is. Anyway, Thanks for being here. I feel stronger already knowing I'm not alone.(flwr1)

[Crisodian]

Sarah,
Welcome to TTF. You will find a great group of supportive caring SOs of PAs here to help you on your path to healing.

I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery for a year now.

I encourage you to read in the Partner's Forum and start your own journal. It helps to document your journey of healing and get support and input from the other members here who can help guide you down the bumpy road of recovery as the SO of a PA.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Charly22]

Hi Cupcakemomma! Your name is so cheery, who doesn't love cupcakes?!?!?!

I understand exactly how you feel......it's easy for others on the outside to try to give you their quick solution. It's not so easy.....not so black and white.

This is a long hard road to take...and I am glad you can take comfort in others in your same type of situation.

I know when I first came here, the strength I felt just after making my first post was very eye opening.....I felt like a baby horse, standing up for the first time.

I hope you can find some comfort and strength here, and don't hesitate to start your own journal and let it all out!

[Cupcakemomma]

Thanks guys. I think I will start a journal on here. I do kinda keep one already in a notebook but I've always been too scared to really let anyone see it. I hide it between my matress and box spring lol. And the name Cupcakemomma is a reminder to myself of the things I do best in the world right now, bake and love my babies. Need to remind myself of that a lot latley, as everything else that I identified myself as has kinda been shot down since the P took over my relationship.

[Crisodian]

Like you, I keep a private off line journal. Only my husband has ever seen it. Were I to let the world have it, I would probably be committed. Especially if anyone read my thoughts during the first 30 days in recovery :)

So, I waited and started one later in the healing process here.

Either way, whatever works best for you! That's what counts.

Someone once told me an online journal was like a diary that answers you back. I like thinking of it that way now.

Peace,
~C~

[lostsoul]

Hi CCM
and welcome to the best (and worst) place on earth. I'm having a really rough time just now and I cannot tell you how much support I get from this site. The care, understanding and sensitvity to our situations is totally unique.

Keep coming back! You are not alone and it works!

Gently, gently
LS

[Daniel]

Cupcakemomma,

First-off, congratulations on your user name choice -that is that happiest one I've seen and it's (literally) a joy to read!

As Charly suggested, and springing from the post regarding your girlfriends' free advice...

These situations do not lend to being clear-cut. Every SO is different. Every PA is different. Every relational dynamic is different.

Now there are patterns, similarities, reasonable expectations, and generally-accepted modes of behavior etc., tools, tips, tricks, etc., etc.

To characterize the PAs:

1) Don't know if I have a problem, don't care either;
2) Know I have a problem, don't care to work it;
3) I care to work my issues, don't know how
4) I know how to work the issues but I'm stuck in a relapse cycle
5) Actively working the issues with "good" success
6) Long-term success, the hard part seems to be behind me

So chances are your BF fits into one of these catergories.

If he is in 1) or 2) and intransigent, then indeed the goal of peaceful, happy, joyous relations is unattainable by most standards. Let the SOs here give their view but I'm betting they'll agree.

If he is in 3) or higher, then you have some hope and something to work with.

And, to fan the flames of hope a little further, a PA can reside in 1) or 2) for a long time and finally it CLICKS, and they get it.

For your sake I hope it clicks in his mind, and sooner!,

Peace,

Daniel

[JenMac]

HI Sarah!
So happy you have found us! I hope you will gain as much from this site as I have. I am an SO here for that last 6 months. I have received such support here and owe muh to the others on TTF!
I am sorry you are in this troubled state right now but you will undoubtedly find it comforting to know that you are not alone. I have learned from other situations in my life that the people closest to me are not necessarily the best people to share all with. While they mean well, they have not walked in my shoes and therefore cannot know how I feel or how difficult it may be for me to make choices or to heal from this. The best people to share with are often people who have experienced the same heartache in life, as they are the ones who will 'get it'.
I am glad to see many others have responded to you Sarah. That is the way it is around here, very kind and caring individuals reside here at TTF!
Keep coming back! You will learn much from being here!
All the best at this difficult time Sarah!
Jenn

[NewHope10]

Hi Cupcakemomma! I just wanted to take the opportunity to welcome you as well.

I joined TTF less than a month ago and the people here have seen me through. They are so helpful and encouraging - and they will let you know that you are not losing your mind! I know there are times when I think I still am. Its an up-and-down hill "ride".

I see that you've begun a journal. Good job! I've never kept a journal before but I have found that it has really helped get the "mud" out of my head by sharing it in my journal. Things that I think and do...things that I thought that I only thought and did - I found out that the other SO's relate! It really does help to know that we are not in this alone.

Keep coming back! You will get sooooo much support and encouragement...and hope!

[bombers9]

Hi Sarah - as a PA myself i say good for you sticking in there. from my perspective i can relate to what you say about another person taking your SO over. When i look at how this addiction has slowly but surely changed me for the worse over the years i do look back in my more lucid moments and yearn for the person i once was. i am convinced, just as you appear to be with your SO, that the original 'me' is still here somewhere. good luck to you (and your SO) on the journey.

bombers