Robbed of Happiness

[Stephanie]

I feel a sense of relief knowing there are others out there who can understand what this feels like. This site has been a great outlet for me for the past couple months, for that I am thankful. No one can really understand what this feels like unless they are in your shoes.
I am the SO of a PA. I never thought I would ever have to deal with anything like this. I just moved to NY for the love of my life. He is everything I could ever want and I was excited to start our lives together. Little by little I knew something wasn't right and I knew what he was doing but it was almost like denial like I didn't want to accept this thorn in our relationship. It got to the point where I'm pretty sure he was chosing P over me (ouch that one was tough for me and still is). We had an awesome relationship in every aspect so that's why I was sooo shocked. The problem is he watches it on his IPhone so has instant access to it at all times. He would watch it around me and pretend he was looking at something else. I confronted him a couple times and he lied right to my face. It was just getting worse and worse and I knew it was out of control for hi
. I tried to be understanding and wanted to help but I told him he had to be honest or else i can't be there and I would leave, he seemed like he wanted to change and promised me.
Last Friday I snooped and saw he had been looking at a lot that day, a lot, I confronted him calmly and he told me he hadn't looked at anything, I even asked twice. At that momment my world crashed down on me. He had obviously chosen P over me and itwas clear I needed to leave. I felt robbed of my happiness and my future with him I had so looked forward to, this was it. He broke down and told me he really needs help and has a problem. I know he sincerely means it and doesn't want this demon on his back anymore. He has made us a counciling appointment and has joined this website as well, which I am thankful for. I am really all for his progress and acceptance of his problem but I'm not sure the damage that has been caused can be undone. I feel like going through this has made me a different person , I feel like a monster. I have always been a happy, easy going, confident, positive person.... I have become the opposite. I have never felt more awful about myself. Knowing he would choseto watch these perfect girls rather then be with me has made
me feel ugly and extremely unattractive, it has robbed me of feeling good about myself, I just can't compete with what he likes l
to see. I'm paranoid, I feel like I can't leave him alone which has made me avoid doing anything without him. I'm jealous of every girl he looks at, even on tv, ifeel like he is thinking of being with them and not me. I don't trust a thing he says, this is the most hurtful of all. He has lied many times to me, I have no idea if I can ever trust him again. So where does one go from here? I'm scared these feelings will never go away and I can't imagine living like this much longer, it's a miserable way of life. I want to be with someone who makes me feel good about myself and I know would put me before anything, is it possible to get that back? We have always talked about getting married soon and starting a family, I feel like I have been robbed of that too, I want to marry him and start our lives together but that would have to wait years to figure all of this out first. I want to be his rock and be strong for him cause I love him more then I ever thought I could love someone but I'm scared it might be too late, I don't know how to do this and get passed this. I just need help :(

[City Fool]

It's getting to be a frightening trend. It seems more and more SO's are surfacing here (A good thing....) because of the hidden PA they've trusted for many years.
You story is like so many I've read since I joined the site and it's so sad and wrong on many levels.
You'll see the PA's here who are working with their SO on the site are really doing well, on the whole.
That in part, is due to the support you'll find here.
This is your struggle and your pain but sharing with others will help.
Not a cure and the bad things won't go away in a day, week or a year, but you're in the right place.

CF

[JenMac]

HI Stephanie!

"I want to be with someone who makes me feel good about myself and I know would put me before anything, is it possible to get that back?"

Yes Stephanie, it is possible to get that back!

I am the SO of Mac, who is also on this site. WE have been here for about 6 months! This site has been a Godsend to both of us! We have learned so much here, we have felt the support of all of the wonderful people here and we have become more committed to sharing an open and honest relationship with each other. Has it been easy? No, it has been a lot of hard work! Lots of tear were shed and still are at times. We have had to dig deep to allow us to come to a better understanding of where we have been, where we are going and what it takes to get us there.
I am sorry for all of the pain you are feeling! It is so difficult to accept this about the person we love more than anything! It plays havoc with our sense of safety and self esteem! This may be hard but remember that this is about him, not you. This is his addiction. You didn't cause it, you can't control or cure it, but with support you can learn to cope.
Many of us here have experiened the same feelings as you and while that may not help much, it does help us to feel less alone and make us know we are not crazy! It is suggested to write your partner a letter outining how this affects you. The power of the written word is immense! I found that to be true.
I am glad your partner has joined here too. He will find this site full of information that will be helpful and support from others that are experiencing the same things will be invaluable to him.
Make sure you don't get swallowed up by this Stephanie! You need to take care of you right now! Try to find things that will allow you to take your mind from this all consuming problem. I know, easier said than done but please do just the same!

To answer your question, there are many here who have moved ahead with their relationships intact. For myself, I feel that after 6 months, my H and I are communicating and connecting better than ever. We are working together to repair and rebuild the devastation of this addiction and feel we have a deeper understanding and love for each other. My H is committed to a path of recovery and we owe a lot of that to this site and the generous people we have come to know here. We are moving ahead to a better place. I can feel it.
I recognize your feelings because I was there 6 months ago and for a few months after. But there is hope. Hard work is required as well as committment from each of you for the healing to begin.
...thinking of you Stephanie...
We know what you are going through!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

Stephanie,
I will second what Jenn has shared. I am the SO of a PA in recovery for a year now. His nickname here is Artguy34.

A year ago, I was prepared to give up our marriage, my life, and take our children 2300 miles away from him to start over if he chose P over me and our family.

He made the choice to get clean and fought hard for it. TTF played a huge roll in his recovery and our staying together.

There is life after PA.

Hugs to you. This is a difficult addiction.

A suggestion to you, if you haven't already, write a letter and give it to him about how P makes you feel and how his addiction has affected you. The writen word is very powerful.

Find peace,
~C~

[NewHope10]

I am so very sorry for what you are going through - but am pleased you found this site. My H is a PA.

Yes...it really does help to know that you are not alone; that others here now exactly what you have gone through and what you are going through right now. And as Jenn said above...it helps to know that you are not going crazy! I cannot tell you how many times I thought I was completely losing my marbles - but because of the other SO's here...I found out that I am experiencing the feelings and emotions and thoughts and actions that all the other SO's experience(d)! While its not good feeling everything we feel; not good doing what we do...its a relief knowing we are not alone.

I can relate to absolutely everything you shared in your post. I'm pretty sure that the other SO's can too.

In the past...I haven't had any outlet. No one to vent to. I haven't had anyone to talk to about this. I felt sooooooooooo alone. But now with TTF and the wonderful people here...it is different for me now. It has helped reading the SO's journals - and even starting one myself. I would highly recommend it. Although sometimes it is so difficult wading through the muck and the mud in my head...difficult sorting through the (too) many thoughts rolling around in my head - writing everything in my journal has helped immensly. Again...I would highly recommend it.

You will find GREAT support here! You will find many answers. You will find encouragement and hope! You might even find some peace.

It is good that your SO has joined TTF as well. There are quite a few couples here who show it can be done!

Keep coming back, Stephanie...and keep holding on!

[Stephanie]

I can't even express how much these replys mean, I feel like I just got 4 big hugs! Thank you very much for your encouragement and hope, it means so much :). I'm trying to stay positive and this site and everyone here are going to help. I know it won't be easy and I will want to kick and scream but knowing I'm not the only one going through this and I can vent to people who can understand is what I need. Hopefully my SO (lostinNY) and I will be able to use this site and get the encouragement from everyone here that will make this a little less stressful.