First Post

[LostInNY]

After many weeks, months and years of denial I have finally decided to admit that I have an addiction to P. Over the past few months this addiction has grown out of control and now threatens to ruin my life and future. I have been caught repeated times by my SO and I will be lucky if she stays this time. I have gone through the steps so many of you have described so well on this site. Denial, telling myself that I can quit by myself, trying to convince myself that it isn’t really a problem and it will all go away. Although I will never understand how much I have hurt my SO by watching P, I can openly admit that I need and want to stop this horrible problem.
In the past six months I have gone through major changes in my life. I moved to a new city for a new job with my SO and our two dogs. As the stress of work increased I found an escape in P. My problem is a little different in the fact that it wasn’t on the home computer but rather on my cell phone. We now have the internet with us 24/7, which I have found for myself is not a good thing. This made the accessibility so easy I could look almost anywhere I was. I knew it was wrong, but I always started with the mindset of, “I just want to see what’s out there.” The last time this happened was yesterday. I had an on-site emergency with work where I spent over 12 hours. There was some downtime where I convinced myself it was okay, so I indulged. I did not MB but still had the feeling of guilt afterwards. I quickly became very busy and put it out of mind. When I arrived home my phone was checked and I was caught for what I want to be the last time.
I am only now beginning to realize the pain and feeling of distrust that I have caused the one I love. This is the first step in many to hopefully stopping this addiction and allowing me to move on with my life. There are so many emotions and feelings I am going through I am not able to get them all down at once. Thank you for listening.

[JenMac]

Welcome LostinNY!
I am glad you found your way here to TTF! This is an amazing site with many wise members who will offer you support as you begin your recovery from this addiction!
I am an SO here and my H Mac is a member also. We have been here for approximately 6 months and it has been a Godsend for us and our relationship! My H was also in fear that I would not stay with him when this was first discovered last March. It has been a long, hard struggle but we are still together and are working together to regain our connection and become stronger and more open and honest with each other.
There are many PAs here who can give you guidance and tips to get you started on your path. Take time to read others' journals, perhaps begin one of your own in the recovery journal section and read some of the articles that are listed on this site. I know you will find others you can relate to here and that is huge in itself! There is no worse feeling than feeling very alone in all of this.
Perhaps your wife would join us too! There is a very supportive group of SOs here who would welcome her with open arms!
All the best! You have made the first step! Keep coming back!
Jenn

[mell]

Lost,

Welcome to TTF!

Glad you are here. I was in a similar situation. I relocated 3 years ago. I had P issues before and I was hoping a new location would help to quell the urges. Well, two major episodes later, here I am.

As Jenn said, there is a lot of support here. Read the journals, put a plan together and I would recommend starting your own journal. My journal has helped me more than anything and you will get feedback from other members.

I knew it was wrong, but I always started with the mindset of, “I just want to see what’s out there.”

Not wanting to be critical on your first post, but you know what is out there....right?......

Sounds like the internet on the cell phone has to go, or at least have some blocking software installed.

Anyway, welcome. Keep coming back and posting. It's a tough road, but if you want recovery it is within your reach. Wishing you the best.

-Mell

[paulmor909]

Well I am luckier than you, my wife does not get too upset about porn. She did the first few times she seen it, but now she just kinda tells me shame you are looking at that stuff. I tell her I am trying not to (which is absolutley the truth). But she knows I have 500 old videos packed away in the closet and has found videos on the PC (In hidden folders). I dont know how she knew to find them? She has not found my DVDs yet (also hidden away in boxes). I have decided on my own that I want to quit watching porn!