Newbie

[newyorkwife]

Dear All,

Here I am on a Sunday afternoon introducing myself. I have been married for 2 years. My husband is a porn addict. I have known this for the past year but only recently has he admitted for himself. It has been about 4 weeks since he has attempted to address the issue. Thus far, he has had one relapse. We have K-9 software on the computer that only I have the password but he rented a DVD. I have to say that I am sick of his porn and I am sick of him too. I know you are suppose to be all loving, all forgiving and so sweet and supportive BUT what about my feelings! He disgusts me. I am angry with him. And a little angry with myself, why am I staying? I do not need to stay, no children, property and the usual reasons women convince themselves they must stay. So I guess I still do love him on some level. Right now, I am just living my life and trying to enjoy the good times we do have together BUT I refuse to let his porn addiction take over my life. I am sick of it ALL

[JenMac]

Hi NYW!
Welcome to TTF!
So glad you have found your way here! There is an amazing community of people here who can assist you in this time of need. Many of us have been through the same things you are feeling. We are all at various stages of recovery from this terrible intrusion in our lives.
I completely understand your feelings! Why should we put up with this in our lives? You will make the decisions that suit your life the best. Those decisions cannot be made by anyone other than you! Perhaps you will leave the marriage and move on with your life, perhaps you will decide to stay and fight for your marriage. A lot of that will depend on how you feel and how your H responds to this situation and what steps he takes to recover from this in his life. His seriousness, or lack thereof, in overcoming this all consuming dark habit can have a huge affect on whether or not you will feel that you can support him in this fight.
I am glad to read that you do not let his PA take over your life. If you are able to manage that, that is a good thing. For many of us, it became all consuming in the beginning stages, something that very much took over our lives. It is only with time and continuing recovery that we are able to move ahead and bring back balance into our lives. So I hope you continue to take care of you and your needs first and foremost. This is indeed your H's battle and he needs to address it for himself first. That is the only way that true recovery will take place, from what I have learned by being here.
Perhaps your H would be interested in joining TTF as well. He would receive a lot of support and learn a lot here too.
You have found a great place NYW! You can start a journal in the Journal for SOs section if you wish. I have found it very helpful to write about my thoughts and feelings. It is a way of letting go of them for me. Another thing that is suggested, is that you write a letter to your H telling him how his P use affects you. This can be very beneficial for us and also very eye opening to our Hs. I definately found that to be the case in our situation!
All the best NYW! Hope you find the comfort and support here as amazing as I have!
Jenn