Hi there

[mamer70]

I am ready to start again. I am going to try to regularly check this website as a tool to help me refocus my attention. As soon as I am alone with the computer I give in. It is such a habit now. Going to be difficult to break. Today is day one (again). Help me pleas TTF.

[JenMac]

Hi Mamer!
Not sure what your life story is....but I am glad you have found your way here to TTF! This is a wonderful resource for you if you choose to use it! You will find many great people here who have been through the same situations that you have. That is really a true blessing!
Best of wishes to you Mamer!
Jenn

[mell]

Mamer,

Glad to see you again.

If I may make a suggestion, start a journal in the 'Recovery Journals' forum. Tell your story. It really helps to get it out. Add to your journal regularly (I enter in mine every day).

The number one reason I love this site is because it offers me a healthy way to use the internet. Every time I sit down, TTF is there for me and I use it. Thee is so much help here, but you have to keep coming back, reading, and writing.

Hope to see you around more. You are with friends here.

-Mell

[City Fool]

Mamer,

Glad to see you again.

If I may make a suggestion, start a journal in the 'Recovery Journals' forum. Tell your story. It really helps to get it out. Add to your journal regularly (I enter in mine every day).

The number one reason I love this site is because it offers me a healthy way to use the internet. Every time I sit down, TTF is there for me and I use it. Thee is so much help here, but you have to keep coming back, reading, and writing.

Hope to see you around more. You are with friends here.

-Mell

Two great posts and yes, use this site often. A journal wasn't as effective for me most likely because I'm alone and, "Journal" in my head all day.
I get much more from reading and interacting with other folks.
Though a lot of folks here are fighting hard against this addiction, the fact they are fighting at all makes them pretty strong and their advice is worth considering and their stories may help you avoid mistakes you'd make on your own.
No one should have to fight addiction alone. Unless it's withdrawal from coffee ( Can that be done?) and then it' a safety issue.
And every day is day one.

Good luck.

CF

[mamer70]

I must do this alone this time. It will be close to the end of my marriage if my wife were to know what I have been up to. I am well and truly addicted. It is almost as though I am schitzophrenic. The true and honest yearning to stop and the consistent relapses. Today is again day 1. I am truly going to find this difficult. I will try to write here every day - difficult to do as I want this to be unnoticed although this is my plan.
I can hear it now, 'you should speak with your wife'. This I cannot do.
Thanks to anyone who listens and to those responses already received.

[City Fool]

You've already faced your own truth.
If things are at a critical point, how long before your wife finds out on her own?

If you can't talk to her, you might think about seeking out professional help.

This site can be here for you but it can't be there for you. You're the person who will plot out your recovery.
If it's Day One, have you planned out Day Two?

Good Luck

Hang in there.

CF

[mamer70]

Thanks Jenn for your welcoming words, my life story, well, that would take quite a while. I have a lovely wife and 2 beautiful children, they are wonderful. It is hard to believe sometives that I helped conceive them. They are truly remarkable. (ages 2 and 3).

Sex and pornography have been a priority throughout much of my life. As a young christian, I allowed pornography to cause me much grief. I would sin / earnestly repent / sin / repent etc. A cycle that has become a regular part of my life. (I am no longer a christian)

Mell, I have taken your advice in starting a journal, this is where I will attempt to regularly post, this being a more worthwhile activity while sitting at the computer. A pretty big step for me, although now started, should become easier.

City Fool, My wife does not believe/understand the addictive element to viewing porn. Of course there is always choice involved although I believe there to be more to it. She is understanding to a point. It has been an ongoing issue for some time now. I douby she would actually insist upon divorce, although it has been mentioned.

My addiction has left very little room for inimacy between my wife and I. This is where the problem truly lies for her - understandably. She is an attractive young lady. I have been selfish. I don't want things to continue this way. Anyway, here I am. My "Day two" consists of helping a friend move house. When at home I plan to focus my attention on more constructive activities - thats the idea anyway,

Thanks for the responses

mamer

[City Fool]

mamer,

It looks as if you have a lot of good things in your life and I can understand your need to right things quickly.
That's not going to happen. However, the harder you work, the faster you act will make a difference, perhaps the most important difference.
Selfish? More in the grip of something that invaded your life and controlled you and is still in control.
You need to become the controller even if it's only a day at a time, a minute at a time.

If I was you, and I'm not, I only know what you've posted, I'd start reconnecting to your wife as soon as possible. You seem to realize how special she is. Build on that. Use her as a block against urges. When she's around, look at her and what she offers as opposed to images on a page or a screen or in your mind.
You seem desperate. I can understand that feeling. But it's not hopeless.
You're here, and this site is interested in one thing and that's to offer support and to be here for you when you're struggling.
I have yet to log in and see a screen saying, "Closed for the summer." Or, "Hi! You've reached TTF after office hours, please leave your name and we'll get back to you."
Seems like someone's always around. Or not far away.

Just don't panic and make that game plan and stick to it.

Good luck.

CF