I love her but I watch P

[PlasticH]

It all started when I was 9 with Sears catalogs. Then I stumbled upon P ASCII art on one of my father's 5 1/4 floppy when I was 11. Dialup Internet came in to fill up my needs when I was 15. I've now been looking at short clips for the last 15 years.

I have always been looking at P whether I was single or not for the simple fact that I liked it. I was just having fun and that was enough for me. It was pleasurable and I was doing no one's harm in my own view. For a very long while no one ever knew nothing about it. Then I met this girl who would eventually become my wife. One day she found out. She tried to see my point of view, she tried to look at P, but she couldn't get over the fact that it deeply did not please her at all no matter how hard she tried. It was making her feel pretty much like what you can read from "cheated" wifes on this forum.

But the point is in my view watching P has absolutely nothing to do with her, how beautiful I think she is, or my desire for her. My wife is beautiful, I love her dearly and there is no other women on earth I would want to make love with. I do not desire any women I see in P. I do not wish my wife was like the women I look at. I do not love those women, but I deeply love my wife. I just look at P because I like it. To me it's it just like having a beer at the end of a long day at work.

I have be caught 3 or 4 times since I am with my wife. Each time I would stop looking at P for days, weeks, then months, and then some day I would fall back into my old patern again. Every time I have been caught I felt increased pain in my wife's feelings. So much that the last time I've been caught, which was a week ago, I decided I needed to really do something about it because I love my wife so much and I don't like seeing her feelings in such state. I want to be with her forever as I feel whole when I'm with her.

I think part of my recovery path goes through understanding how one can watch P in a total disconnect with real life love. That is how I have been living it so far, a total disconnect with feelings. It has been a simple appeal to physical "feel good for a second" needs. How do I break away from it? It is hard because it appeals to extremely basic physiological needs, but I need to get over that.

Thanks for your comments,

Martin

[want2bebetter]

Hi Martin, welcome to TTF. I hope you keep coming back. Sometimes it feels great to put down thoughts and feelings into written words, doesn't it? I've been keeping my journal for almost a month now and I find it really empowering in ways I hadn't expected when I first started.

Let me ask you a question. You say that P "appeals to extremely basic physiological needs," but do you think it also appeals to any emotional needs? I mean, are there particular emotional states you get in that incline you more to watch P? Or sometimes you're definitely not in the mood to watch P?

Think about those questions. What I'm getting at is that there is definitely a physiological side to P addiction but you got to also consider these psychological/emotional issues, which are different for everybody. Talk to us man. Whats up with that

[JenMac]

Hey Martin!
Welcome to TTF! I am an So here and have been a member for a few months now.
I found your post very interesting in relation to how you view your habits as opposed to how your wife views your habits. You say you love your wife and don't understand how this affects your feelings for her.
We, as SOs often don't understand your feelings either. We don't understand how you can view others but say you lpve us and would not want to be with anyone else. HOw can that be when you are seeking out other women, other s.xual situations to view and get pleasure from? If you have no desire for the women in P, then why do you seek them out and spend time with them? If they mean nothing to you, then why can you not give them up and be true to your wife?
Your post brings many questions to the surface for me.
I hope you will find support for yourself here. I also hope that your wife will join us here at TTF so that she can receive the encouragement and support that I have found to be rampant here. There is a comfort in knowing we are not alone in our feelings!
Welcome! Listen and Learn!
Jenn

[Crisodian]

Martin,
Welcome to TTF. Like Jen, I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery for almost a year now. I am also a non-P addict who has been clean and relapse free for 16 years.

I find your comments interesting about your view of P and your wife's hurt. I suggest some reading in the Partner's Forum to help you understand how your wife views P vs. how you view P. There's a really great post that was only shared just today that is very relevant. You can find it here. I think once you begin to understand why your P use hurts your wife, you will be able to help her heal and yourself focus on starting a P-free life.

I also highly encourage you to read the journals of PAs who have SOs. Daniel, Foolish Mind, Mac, chasman62, Artguy34 (my husband) all come immediately to mind. There are many, many others.

Good luck on your healing journey.

Find peace,
~C~

[debv]

The thread that Crisodian pointed you to is a great description of how SOs view P and why we feel it's infidelity. We don't believe the word cheated needs to be in quotes. We were cheated on.

Incidentally, if you read the thread, you'll see that I said that my H no longer believed his P use was cheating, even though he taught me why it was. Well. my H is the one who wrote that last post yesterday. He sees now that his "fantasy" was reality, and that the reality gutted me. I think that's the first step you need to take toward recovery - acknowledging that P is real, and the damage it does to you, the women in the P, and the woman you claim to love, is all real too.