My Name Is Matt

[MyNameIsMatt]

I’m afraid this will be tl;dr, but I just really need to talk to someone right now, or maybe just get this off my back. I appreciate it in advance if you spent the time reading it.

Hello, my name is Matt and I am a porn addict. I’ve probably been using porn, in one form or another on and off, but mostly on, for somewhere around 20 years. It started with department store catalogs, and by the time I was 18, I was hitting the liquor store once or twice a week for porn magazines.

I went to college in the city, and right down the street was a porn shop. One day I got the nerve up to walk in, and so began my movie collection. I’ve had girlfriends since before I could drive, and never considered my interest in porn anything dangerous. I always considered myself just a horny teen. I remember sneaking down to the basement many times to see what was playing on cable, always listening intently for parents footsteps above my head.

Up until I moved out on my own, porn never really was a big thing in my life. It was fun and exciting, but never consumed my thoughts or was the focal point of my day.

When I moved out on my own, that all changed.

Right before I left home, I heard on the radio one day about video chat sites. I’ve always wanted to go to a strip club but never had the nerve to walk in. Upon hearing that these video chat sites were more or less a strip club in the privacy of your own home, I was instantly drawn to the idea.

I moved out, and without the worry of someone walking in, I was there after work every day. On weekends I’d find myself in front of my computer by 10PM and the sun was up before I’d log off.

Between the cam girls and streaming porn, my pleasure with porn had unknowingly turning into an addiction. I see this know, but even a month ago I thought I had it all under control. I could quit at any time, and I don’t have “a problem.”

The first week after my wife moved into my place she found a stash of my old porn. Now in all honesty I had totally forgotten about it. When I moved from my parents I tossed them all in a bag, threw that bag in a closest, and forgot all about them. By that time I was on the internet for my porn all the time and had no need for those mags. Why I bothered to take them with me or didn’t throw them out, I don’t know. Out of sight, out of mind is what I thought.

During the first years of our marriage I still masturbated regularly, despite the “newly wed” sex we were having. I never thought about why, or even questioned my actions. While I hid it from her, it was more from Catholic shame than guilt I think. In hindsight, I can see that something was wrong with that, but at the time I wrote it off on living adjustments and ‘it wasn’t hurting anyone.”

One day she caught me. We argued. We fought. She asked me to stop and I told her I would. I did for a while, but for some reason I fell back into it. Lately I’ve been able to acknowledge that boredom and anger/frustration/unhappiness are triggers for me, so that very well may have been the reason for my first slip.

She caught me a few more times and the same pattern endured. I’d be porn free for weeks, months, but I always fell back into it.

Around two years ago, she caught me with some cam girls. That was a pretty serious fight. There was talk of divorce, suicide, and I started to see that maybe I do I have a problem with porn. While I’ve not used cam sites since then, I maintained my streaming video porn account, and again, shortly after that fight I started masturbating again. Why? I don’t know. I’ve blamed it on stupidity, carelessness with our relationship, but I’d use again thinking “just this last time,” or “one more week and that’s it.” That never was the case though, even though by now I had guilt. Not for the porn, but for always lying to my wife about my use.

She’s always known that I was still using, and I always denied it, telling myself “NO MORE!” which again would last for a short time, but something would always send me back.

A little over three weeks ago now, after a fight in which she called me out on using and I denied, I took our dog for a walk waiting for her too cool off. I come home and she’s crying. She brings me to her computer, and somehow she managed to find my streaming video account. There on her screen was my list of favorite movies, favorite scenes, favorite stars.

After yet another painful argument I agreed to get better. I got some books on the topic. I’ve located a therapist, but have yet had the courage to call. After reading a few different porn addiction sites, I decided to join here. Despite all these steps, which are firsts in my attempts to quit porn, I actually want to quit now.

We bought a house last summer. We got a dog. Over the past year, we’ve finally, after six years of marriage, started to be a family. I don’t want to lose that. I don’t want to waste a week of every month fighting over this. I don’t want to see her in pain anymore, and I don’t want to be the source of that pain. I don’t want to wonder anymore if someday, she’s just going to get up and leave. I’m really proud of our little family, have dreams of growing it with her, and don’t want to jeopardize that anymore.

I’ve been clean for over sixteen days now, but I set Sept 1 as my start date. I am committed making this work this time. Thanks to the books, I’ve pointed out to my wife the triggers I have. Feeling alone, being bored, feeling angry. I’ve never been one to think “god I am so stressed I could use an *fix* right now,” so initially I discounted that as a reason. I guess though it is a bit of a stress reliever, even if stress isn’t the thought in my mind as I being. I’ve been open to her about certain things she does that trigger me. I spend less time in front of the computer. I’ve put some pictures of us and her on the wall in front of me, and it actually helps quite a bit. When my mind would go into porn mode, it was like tunnel vision. Now when I see her resting above my monitor, it’s a reminder to say no and discourages me from following through.

I could probably go on more. A lot more. Maybe I will, later.

Thanks for reading.

--matt

[gideon]

Welcome Matt. I'm new here too, so not in a position to give much advice, but I've found this site very helpful. Keeping a journal has forced me to explore my relationship with P, sometimes very painfully. It's good to record the pain to remind you later when your mind starts rationalizing and saying it's ok to relapse. It seems you have one thing going for you--your wife knows. Maybe she can become a partner in your recovery. she may even wish to join the site. It's a tough road ahead but well worth it.
good luck
Gideon

[Crisodian]

Matt,
Welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery for a year now. You've come to a great place to get support on your road to recovery.

Gideon gave you some great advice already. If you haven't had a chance, you should read in the Recovery Journals section and start your own journal. Your wife may also benefit from the support of the SOs here at TTF as well. It will help you both to know neither of you is alone.

Find Peace,
~C~

[chasman62]

Matt:

You will find many of us on here who have trod in your footsteps..almost exactly in my case... and who are committed to recovery and living a life free from pa and sa.

Welcome to this site. It is truly a fabulous resource full of people who are genuinely concerned about helping recovering addicts like you.

I look forward to reading your journal and encourage you to read the journals of the PAs and their SOs.

Finally, I would encourage you to talk to your wife about joining the site here too. My wife did and I know it has helped her tremendously.

Remember. The path to recovery is a simple one but not an easy one.

Chas

[mell]

Matt,

Welcome to TTF!

Your struggles are very similar to mine. I stay clean for a while, then try to fight the addiction through will power alone. That is a recipe for failure!

Unfortunately, in an addiction situation, 'wanting to quit', even for the right reasons, is not enough.

I suggest you look into:
SA Sexahaulics Anonymous or
SAA Sex Addicts Anonymous

Both are 12 step support groups whose members are recovering addicts.

I've been to therapists in the past myself. IMO, unless they specialize in S and P addictions, they may not be much help.

There is a ton of help available right here.

Keep coming back and best of luck in your journey.

-Mell