PA - Its like a deep root that has taken hold

[Troys Help]

Good evening,

Thanks to the moderator who approved my membership.

As I think back, I have been a porn/sex addict for years. Even before the internet came to be I was always going to the video stores renting porn on VHS. At one time I had over 50 tapes...I prayed for devine guidance and bundles them and threw them out. I had a very difficult time after throwing them out I fell into a bit of a relapse because I threw out my favorite pornstars as if I were throwing away the actual person. I am an IT expert by trade I have a great career and I am a leader in virtually all aspects in my life...but this porn addiction is like a deep root that has taken hold. For me if I can skip masterbation for two days straight is a victory for me and I savor that victory because I know the next time it will be harder for me to go say three days...and it indeed has been difficult...I work hard at fixing this and I feel like shyt when I give in. Its a cycle that never seems to end and I just can't talk to people I know about this which can make things worse because I do not expect for them to have the understanding and compassion for what I am dealing with. I see a woman in a store or even on TV seems to trigger this demon in my head to look at porn and masterbate to it...I am tired of it. I am aware of what actions to take when the urge hits me but truth be known, 95% of the time I am not srong enough to "white knucke" through this urge. And it happens over and over again...Installing software to block porn may help but I will prolly uninstall it the next day.lol

As mentioned, I have been a porn/sex addict for many years and this root in my head is almost like a giant redwood tree. And as big and towering redwoods are, in time they still can be cut down by hatchet, ax and saw.....this is what sustains me to reachout to others that are in the same situation.

This is the only part of my life I feel ashamed of and mostly feel I have no control or the little control I do have soon fades. My mental armour melts like snow when the urge really hits me. Thats why I am trying hard not to be by myself with my laptop in the basement...this is my man cave and this is also satan's workshop and satan has visited very often and i am tired of it.

I love my wife dearly and she is very good looking to me! But this porn is like crack cocaine and it has interfered with me having a good sex life because I am almost desensitized. during the very few moments I leave porn alone say for 5 days or so my sexual appetite for her is through the roof! If I can get on a rehab plan from the TTF forum and hear the advice from others that have been here I think I may have a fighting chance to at least be in firm control if not quit this altogether.

I will work hard to make this happen. I want my normal life back.

Thanks :-<

Troy's Help

[Crisodian]

Troy,
Welcome to TTF. I am the SO(wife) of a PA in recovery for a year now. I encourage you to read in the Recovery Journals forum, where you will find a wealth of information and guidance from other PAs battling with this addiction. I also encourage you to start your own journal while on your journey to recovery.

You may also want to check out the Partner's Forum to read how this addiction impacts the partners and wives.

Welcome again and find a path to peace,
~C~

[Daniel]

Welcome Troy,

You are in the right place. I would encourage you to start your own journal in that section.

As your story begins to take shape our many active members and move alongside you in the journey.

Daniel

[mell]

Troy,

Welcome to TTF! You are in a good place.

Recovery is available, but you have to work for it.

We have some things in common. My professional life is a shining success. My personal life is a traffic jam.

As the members before me have advised, check out the journals and start your own. For me, writing in my journal is a huge help. Just getting it out and receiving the support of others is amazing.

Best of luck. Keep coming back.

-Mell

[Troys Help]

Thanks so much to all of you. I will take your advice and work hard to deal with this issue. Thanks to all of you who have replied.

I am on my way : )

TH