My story.

[the big lebowski]

dI am obviously an addict. I have been split from my wife and my son for 2 weeks now and, but mostly because of my anger problems. I have chronic pain and I don't sleep well my wife is extremely depressed and even before I met her. For years we went through some tough times and now we have a son. My wife watches porn too but no where as much as I do. When she left I realized how much porn was on the computer and that I want to stop. Our split has made me realize I need help, I stopped looking at porn for about a week and then I went to a sex chat room because I'm so lonely, it's honestly the first time that I have done that. And I was approached by several people and engaged with them in online sex. I mean what kind of person cheats on their wife when she left no matter what the reason if he really loves her. I feel horrible about what I did and I don't want to be like this anymore but I can't help myself. I don't know if my porn addiction was also a factor in our breakup but that doesn't matter I'm want to be done with it. I don't think porn as a rule is evil or that it necessarily degrades women. I don't want to see or have anything to do with porn or online sex anymore and possibly never again. Until I learn to control myself which maybe never. But I want too be in her arms again have the wonderful feeling we used to share when we made love. I want hold my son again and not have to feel guilty that I'm setting a bad example and have more time for him because I'm spending so much time looking for that perfect porn which I will never find. Because I already had it in the flesh and drove my lovely wife away from me.

[the big lebowski]

.I realize when I wrote my first post it seemed like I was trying to downplay my problem. I'm not should have explained that my anger and pain would probably wouldn't have been so bad if wasn't look at/for porn all the time and it definitely affected my life negatively. I just don't want everyone to think that porn is necessarily altogether bad. But it has affectly my life for the worse which is why I'm here and that I had a perfectly tolerant wife when it came to that type of stuff but it still was a factor but not because of the normal reasons. I still feel I can't look at women or even teenage girls without feeling guilty because of what I expose myself too all the time. And I was never like that before my addiction to porn.

[mell]

BL,

Welcome to TTF!

If you are an addict, P is bad. There is no sidestepping this. Im not trying to be rude, thats just the way it is.

Please look at some of the recovery journals here. I think you will find people with very similar struggles.

Also, please try to tone down your descriptions as they may act as a trigger to some.

This is a great start for P recovery. Good luck in your journey.

-Mell

[the big lebowski]

Thank you Mel and you're right P is bad period especially for someone like me. I'm sorry about my description being too graphic I will tone it down from now on. I never have talked about this with someone before I was nervous telling these things to a bunch or strangers but I need help and I though I should be honest. Thank you for setting me straight. Please I hope I havent offended anyone by what I have said but I'm very depressed right now and I'm trying to pull my life back together. I'm not a bad person just messed up and I will try to conform to the rules as best I can. :((

[Daniel]

TBL,

Welcome to TTF and welcome to the beginning of what I sincerely hope is an immensely fulfilling recovery from P/S addiction.

Do not worry about the "too much information" as it seems to me you understand the site etiquette now.

You may share anything you feel is important for your recovery, but bear in mind that explicit detail regarding activities, approaches, actress names, etc., should be left out so as not to cause someone to ponder to no good.



Some free advice!:

• Consider why you want to free from PA/SA
• Consider what you will do to insure that you can stay free - what concrete steps will you take to stay away
• Get free for you!; obviously you want Wife and Son back with you, as important as they are they cannot be the only reason you want out -you have to want it for you first

It sounds as though being alone and under stress is certainly a trigger, triggering you into the behaviors you want to stop. So there is your first repair: What am I going to do the next time I'm overwhelmed with loneliness/boredom/stress or a hundred other possible emotions...?

Generate a plan

I understand you think it is theoretically possible that P is not inherently bad. Take a look at this post:

The P Downside: By The Numbers

It's possible that you're thinking "S between loving/committed partners" is not bad or that there is some redeeming value somewhere in P...

But the human carnage that is completely and on-purpose hidden from the viewer/consumer of P is nearly indescribable.

Nevertheless, realizing you have a problem with it, that it can and will destroy everything in your life that has value, is the first big step in recovery. And the step you have taken.

Continue!,

Daniel

[mell]

BL,

You are in a good place. As Daniel said, The fact that you sought help is a good first step.

You are absolutely right - you are not a bad person. None of us are. We all have addiction problems, to one extent or another.

The thing that has helped me most is starting a journal and just writing whatever comes out. It may not flow or make sense to some, but it helps me to get it out. Others who read the journal will add comments / suggestions which can be extremely helpful.

Mell