What has become of me?

[downthedrains]

Newbie here. I confess. I need help. Here is my story (bulleted to keep it short).


a. I am a 29 yr normal guy. I've also been watching P since 16yr old.
b. It's clear I am addicted to P, but I don't think I ever believed I was until 24 yrs old. So while fully aware of my addiction I haven't really made any effort to quit it, not with much success anyway.
c. Off late (3 yrs) I think I am accutely addicted to P (anywhere between 1-4 hrs on weekday, and 6 on wkends) to the point I am becoming insensitive to it and still can't quit.
d. I do realize P has slowly destroyed my life
- I've not had one meaningful relationship with any girl. I don't have love in my heart for any one girl and I don't think I will ever love a girl.
- I view all girls as Sl*ts or just view them as objects of sex. All normal girls on the street, on the train, at work, etc everywhere. My mind is obsessed with dirty thoughts.
- I try to leave work early so that I could be home with my computer.
- I've grown attached to my huge P collection on disk. It's ridiculous. I keep accumulating more and more stuff, and I do not realize for what, or why.
e. I've often thought masturbation and P as a stress reliever, and that it helps relieve all the harmonal buildup.
f. None of my friends (of which I have very few now) know about this addiction. Infact I have no one to confide in.
g. I have been diagonsed with other health stuff in life, totally unrelated to P. and in comparison to that health concern, my P addiction feels belittled. However, PA is no less of a disease to me, and to feel well once again, I need to attack all these problems.
h. I need some guidance, some suggestion, some tips from all of you to how to resist that P urge. By minutes, by hrs, by days. I've been reading stuff online to overcome this, but reading is hardly the same as talking to someone who is willing to help. and Forum is the next best thing to a real person.
i. I do believe I will get well, but not without help. So please help me, any words or courage or how to measure progress or how to overcome impulses, or some good book to read on this.

[fedupwithit]

I am the same age as you and signed up here 3 days ago. For me, so far, reading people's stuff on here, posting forum messages, reading articles, it's a good first step and I think we both have to realize the accomplishment in taking that step. I am new to this, but 3 days in, I can say that because of this site I am feeling the most optimistic about over coming this addiction than I ever have.

[Crisodian]

downthedrains,
Welcome to TTF. I am the SO (wife) of a PA in recovery for almost a year now.

A couple of suggestions to get you started on the right path. Start a journal in the Recovery Journal's section. Read the information in the articles section here. It will help you identify a plan for yourself to get started on the road to recovery. Be open and honest with yourself about why you want to quit P and what your goals are and plan, plan, plan.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Mefree]

Downthedrains,

Welcome to TTF. I, too, am a single PA and have been in recovery approaching a year now. For starters, congratulations on taking the big first step! I hope you realize how monumentally important it is, and how much it can change your life. But now you're on the next step: follow through.

Being single and accountable to only myself, follow through was (and is) the hardest part of my recovery. After all, who is hurt by just another look? I don't have any responsibilites to any SOs, so in the end, what's the harm?
What I just wrote is a rationalization! And there are millions of them. And they can ruin recovery faster than the most debilitating urge.

The solution: Start a journal! Use your journal to list why you want (need) to be free of P. Use pros and cons, anything. Then make an action plan for when urges take hold. Go jogging, pop in a movie, call someone. Refer to these lists whenever and urge strikes and especially when you start thinking up rationalizations to relapse. You're an addict, you've admitted that. That is groundbreaking. Now comes the responsibility! If you avoid the traps- tame the brain- then you'll learn to shrug off urges and destructive thoughts like they don't even matter.

Because they don't matter. Living a clean life does, with all the rewards and relationships that come with it.

Good luck on your journey!

[mell]

Down the drains,

Welcome! The first step is realizing you have a problem and admitting it to yourself. Support is the key to recovery.

The posts in these forums contain a wealth of knowledge. As you read them and browse the many recovery journals, you will find people who have similar circumstances and are willing to help.

There are other resources too. My advise is to find a local support group. Most are some form of 12 step group based on the principles of the AA recovery program. Attend some meetings, talk to some members. It is intimidating at first, I was nervous when I went to my first meeting, but it is so worth it.

Best of luck to you. Hope to see you here regularly.

[Christopher205]

Reading your post reflects very strongly my own situation. I too hope this is a place where I'll get advice and strength.

[gideon]

Way to go. As a newbie I'm trying to focus on how I feel today -- the deep understanding how horrible P addiction is and how much I want to recover. I hope I can go back to these posts to remind me when the urges and rationalizations creep back into my mind. I guess that's why journals are important. Good luck - I'm with you on this long trip.

[downthedrains]

Thanks all for you suggestion.
I. I do want to list down all the things that I can think of why I want to Quit P, so i thought why not start here, so that anyone else in my situation can also benefit and pick of some of the my desire to quit P.


II. I also thought of listing down what I should do when I do get the urges, or get those creepy thoughts in my mind. By trying to stay sober for ONE day, I realized I have too many images in mind of P. I apparently know more about P actoresses than movie stars, or some other subject. I have more cravings of P since I am tyring to quit it.
But as the post have mentioned this, will only go away as I gain inner strength, confidence and will power to get rid of this addiction.

So here are my motivating lists to quit (not in any particular priority order).
a) I want to save all the countless hrs I spend on P. I want to do something fruitful with those hours. Money saved is a bonus.
b) I want to be able to develop a normal relationship with a girl, where I can respect her.
c) I want to avoid the feeling of guilt, the one I get after finishing off on P.
d) during my idle time, i want to be able to devote my mind to think about other things such as puzzles, problems, and higher ground in life.
e) I want to overcome this constant feeling of horniness to feel more normal like other people. It's may be because I haven't had a partner in some time.
f) So far this addiction has only caused damage to myself, not to the people who are associated with me. I want to avoid that situation in every single which way.
g) Finally improve my confidence, love and health in my life.


Any other motivating thoughts you guys can add? I think I'll keep coming back to this post and reading your suggestion and comments and when I have an urge, I'll remind myself to get some courage from so many of you out there.

[mell]

One thing I have done, at the suggestion of others in recovery is to pray for anybody I see and think about lustfully.

The principle is: I have violated that person in my mind, by thinking lustful thoughts about them.

It has been a big help for me, and has allowed me to check my thoughts at an early stage.

[Sonomette]

A belated welcome, DTD, and I'm glad you're here!

I'm the SO of a PA, who (surprise, surprise) seemed to think a lot like you. This website has been incredibly helpful for the both of us. The information has been good-- the support and the people have been amazing!

It sounds like you have come to some pretty unpleasant realities about P and how it's affected you, and you've also listed off some benefits to getting it out of your life. That's great, and it sounds as though you've been doing a lot of thinking about this issue.

I hope you decide to start a journal, so you can see the change in yourself and your progress.

I wish you nothing but success,

S