New member to TTF but not to MB and PA

[HopefulsRock]

Hello to the TTF members... I am new to this site but definitely not new to its content. I am over 50 and been married over 30 years to my amazing wife (Hopeful) and its because of her strength and devotion that I am on the road to recovery from my addiction to MB and P. I've always been a guy that could do anything myself and would never ask or hire someone to do something for me, so it's very hard for me to admit that I could not kick this habit myself. I thought about quitting years ago because I always felt bad afterwords but then I would convince myself that everyone does it and it's perfectly normal and besides it's not hurting anybody... WOW was I wrong! I've been clean for 172 days but I'm still learning the different ways I have damaged my relationship with my wife especially but right on down the line my kids, family, friends, co-workers, etc. and God. I am not a real religious guy but I've always tried to do the right thing and be a stand up kind of guy and I was actually going to give up my addiction for lent this year but was afraid that I wouldn't follow through and therefore couldn't face God or myself... I now realize that I was in denial that I even had a problem!
I want to say this, "I am very confident that my addiction is cured and there will be no relapse... However the healing process has just begun". I am now trying to actually become that stand up guy I thought I was so that my wife (Hopeful) can heal the wounds I've given to her. So, (Hopeful's Rock) is what I am striving to be but I'm not there - yet!

~ Rock

[Mefree]

HR,

First off, Welcome to TTF, and a huge congrats on 172 days!! That is a major accomplishment, and a testiment to your dedication to recovery. I'm also the kind of guy that would rather do anything himself, so it was a challenge for me as well to ask for help in kicking the addiction. Heck, it still is!

I'm sure you've already done this in one form or another, but maybe you could consider posting your triggers and action plans in your journal? Overconfidence is the bane of many at this stage; vigilance toward your areas of vulnerability is a constant must.

I should also say I don't believe addictions can be cured. A common misconception is that an addiction can be tossed out the window after several months of recovery, but this slowly but surely can lead relapses far down the line. Unlike a curable biological disease, addictions are phsycological, and are prone to being much sneakier. Having said that, your commitment to recovery has already been shown, and it's obvious you're on your guard for any signs.
Keep it up, read around the site for the invaluable information (SO journals provide very deep insight) and post again soon!

[Sonomette]

I am now trying to actually become that stand up guy I thought I was so that my wife (Hopeful) can heal the wounds I've given to her. So, (Hopeful's Rock) is what I am striving to be but I'm not there - yet!

AWWW!!! That's such a sweet thing to say!:D Hopeful is a sweetheart, and I'm so glad you want to be her rock.

I'd tell you about the benefits of the site-- but heck, you've been around longer than I have... so I'll just say this: Welcome! I'm glad you're here!!

S

[HopefulsRock]

Mefree, thanks for the welcome and encouragement. Your statement, "I should also say I don't believe addictions can be cured", opened my eyes just a little bit more and I thank you! Although I do feel confident, I believe that I struggle with my own ego and some occasional denial still pops up. This site has provided some amazing insight to this whole problem and the life struggles that go along with it and even though as I read there are some very sad stories unfolding I find myself anxious to get back to it. I believe it's because of the uplifting recovery stories and the common goal we all seem to share.
...not going anywhere ~Rock

[Max181]

Hi Rock - I was looking for someone close to my own age (over 50) and felt good to find someone that sound like they have been down a similar road. Your efforts are encouraging to me. Thanks for posting it does help others as well!