I'm new...and not feeling good

[NewHope10]

Hi. I came across this site the other day while looking for some help. My husband is a PA.

We've been married for just over three years and knew one another for 1.5 years before that.

When we met - I knew he looked at P. Foolish me didn't realize just how bad that could get and to what extent. I sure know now.

As I started to become aware of the seriousness of it, I talked to him about it. To make a long story short, this happened frequently. He would stop for a while and then backslide.

A couple of years ago he told me that he would stop - and that he would get help. Oh...I should mention that he has never been forthright about it. I have always "caught" him.

Another important thing to mention is that he never followed through on his promise.

So...another two years goes by and lo and behold, the other day I discovered that for over thhe last year - he's been at it again! So...I confronted him with it (yet again).

This time - I told him that I refuse to spend the rest of my life like this, and if I have the choice, then I'd rather live alone. I told him its either P or me.

I've never said that to him before but, quite frankly...I'm fed up! I'm angry and yes...he knows it. I used to crawl up in a little ball and feel so sorry for myself. I would cry and cry and think "woe is me". Not this time though. I think its because I am so angry!!!

He said he's going to seek help. He phoned into a meeting yesterday. But its gonna take a lot more than that - and its going to mean a commitment to it for the long term. Not just something to appease me for a while. I've decided this is the last time I will allow our home to get caught up in this darkness.

I've got a lot of reading to do on this site - and I thank you for being here.

One thing I want to ask is - could I ask him to tell me everything he's been up to? I mean - I suspect some other things and my mind is driving me crazy not knowing. I don't even know why I wuld actually believe anything he says as he has been sneaky and deceiving me and betraying my trust - and he's brought this dark cloud into our home and into our marriage once again.

Anyway - I'm typing this on my lunch break and its time for me to head back. Thanks for listening.

[Crisodian]

NH,

Welcome to TTF! I am the SO of a PA who has been in recovery almost a year.

I encourage you to read in the Partner's forum, especially the journals section and you will quickly find you are not alone in everything you are feeling and what you are going through. I also encourage you to start a journal for yourself to give yourself a space to vent, rant, celebrate, ask for input, or whatever you need to help yourself heal.

Regarding your "can I ask him to tell me everything" question. There are several opinions on this but I will share mine. If you need to know everything so you can heal, then yes, you have a right to ask him to come clean. Completely clean.

With my husband, in order for me to agree to walk this path of recovery with him, I required him to be 100% honest, 100% transparent, 100% of the time. It was non-negotiable. I also asked him to show me everything. In order for me to heal and get my head around how deep his addiction was, I need to "see" what he had been doing. All of it. Like you, I had done this dance before with my H a few times, and this last time was the final straw. I needed full disclosure for me to be able to accept what he had done and move forward.

Now, that being said, that was what I needed. What you or other SOs need is for you to determine. :)

But, you DO have a right to ask for what you need and you DO have a right to set the ground-rules for what you will and will not accept in your marriage and in your home.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[NewHope10]

Thank you so much, Crisodian. I really appreciate you sharing that with me.

He has been so dishonest with me - I probably wouldn't believe a word he says. I mean...if he was the one to come to me and confess (for lack of a bette word) - then maybe I'd believe him. But - because I've always caught him...my trust is gone.

What has been going through my mind today is this: if I'm the one who caught him...does he even want to quit and truly get help? Who knows how long it would have continued if I hadn't caught him. But - I guess that's neither here nor there, right? Everything happens for a reason - and in its own time.

I guess I'm thankful to have caught him now (again) after over a year of using...and not another ten years down the road.

I learned a lot the last time we went through this - so I'm kind of "epuipped" in some respects. The other of my "insanities" have returned in a blink of an eye (one example of this is madly going on my "detective" hunts). I hate this part. Been there and done that sooooo many times before and I cannot stand that I want to do it again! And every time I feel the urge I curse him in my mind! Ya...I know he's not "making" me crazily snoop - but because of the discovery of what he's been doing the compulsion to snoop is back!

I know...I have control of only my own thoughts and actions - and how I respond to things. The logical side of me knows this...but right now I cannot even fathum being logical!

Oh...how I found out this time around is our computer went "kaput" - and he has a laptop from a prior job, so we started using that on the weekend. On Monday morning - I became very curious and "something" told me to look on the computer. Well...he did a very good job of deleting cookies and temp int files...but he didn't think about another place I look, and so I looked there and voila...P everywhere. It sickened me - and it still does. I waited for him to wake up for an hour and then I confronted him.

I guess I could go on and on - but I will look into the journals that you mentioned. Sounds as though I have. Some writing to do.

Thanks again for your welcome!

[maggie]

Welcome Need Hope,

This is a strange and intimidating site to be on, but it works miracles.

Your story is sad. He had used p before you married him, and you didn't realize his level of involvement and the powerful addictive side of it. That is completely understandable. Who knew how controlling and deep this whole thing is ?

Spend some time reading the journals here, but also look at the latest research in neuro-science studies, where brain imaging has shown that porn addiction and the chemicals that the brain releases in response to the using, have the same affect and reactions as ' externally ' injected drugs or chemical. Scary.. yes, but reveals the physical part of this addiction. Men really struggle with this.

It's not fair that you should be forced into the role of carrying out ' detective hunts ' just to stay connected with your partner. The very purpose of marriage is to create an unbreakable, intimate and trustworthy bond between two people. Porn ruins that.

His sneaking and your having to snoop is just not right.

Please remember... p is his problem. It is an escape , and a twisted way to look at and to act out against women. His use of porn wasn't caused by anything you did or didn't do. He has a problem.

Take a few hours this weekend to spend time with a good friend. Enjoy the beauty of life in nature and be thankful that you are a good and kind woman. You will gain strength from a few hours of soul restoration... And you will need to be strong to deal with the battle that is going to take place.

If I read your post correctly, he has been involved for about 3 to 4 years. Do you know if he had any young teen exposure to porn or was it limited to the last 4 years.
I don't know for sure, but it seems that things be corrected and he could heal more quickly if he wasn't involved too long.

[NewHope10]

Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement, Maggie!

My apologies if I did not communicate it well...

My husband and I have been married for three years. He started looking at P when he was 13. He came across his father's P and that's when it all started.

He's told me that he's struggled with it since then (30 years). But - he's never gotten help.

He also told me its his "escape". I can understand that - but there are more healthier avenues to "escape". But - I guess we all gravitate to what we "know" and are used to.

I am not feeling all that optimistic about him - because things haven't changed.

I will spend some time reading on this site this weekend - that's for sure. I still have so many questions - and I suspect I will find some answers here.

Have a good day.

[maggie]

Need Hope,

My H was involved for about three years. Because we had been married 25+yrs, I saw some really distinctive changes in his behavior and sadly, these changes were in the way he began treating me....ouch that really hurts.

I don't know how as a newly wed, and you're basically still a newly wed, would ever get any clues as to her partner's p use by his behavior.

I know that my H began to avoid me in many ways. Absolutely no eye contact, he began going to bed by 8 pm, no sharing of funny stories anymore, and he didn't want to rent the beach house we had been renting every summer for over a decade. He didn't want to go away with me, because he'd have to leave his stash at home... ouch again. He chose those to be alone with those pictures rather than me...

But, it doesn't seem likely that you would have been able to recognize behavorial changes in your relationship, since he was already a user when you met him.

I won't pretend to know if that scenario is much worse. Who knows ? I couldn't have been anymore shocked and hurt than I was, and although my H was new to p use, he became very sick, quickly.

He changed. He gave up golf and walking, which he loved and I encouraged him to do.
He gave up reading and he always had a few good novels going. Oh yea, almost forgot... he gave me up too..

Your H has a huge struggle ahead of him and you will feel every nuance of it all.

Sorry to be so direct, but after you read some of the posts here, you will see this.

Positive news: Honestly, if you have never been with your H when he was free of this burden, and it is a burden for them to always sneak, lie and hide, then you are in for some great years, once he is free from this pollution. You'll probably find a man that is more of everything you loved in him.

Once he is free of his shame and guilt and becomes more open and real, you will understand what PAs and SOs mean when they say that the " fog of porn " has been lifted.

Have Hope but remember this is his problem. He needs to own it.

[lostsoul]

Dear Need Hope
there's not much I can add to your welcom other than to tell you this is a wonderful place to vent and get rid of the fear, disgust and disappointment I believe we SOs carry. Like you I discovered my partner's addiction in a gradual way, only learning of the affairs recently. We all have our own resposnses and recations to these discoveries. Mine has been to know I have reached my limit. For me, this is no longer about his addiction, it is about my getting well. This is of course much easier to say than to do. At present, I'm trying to bring my 'hunting season' to a close. I know where to look and what to look for. The question I ask myself is, what benefit is there to me from policing his internet use? It comes down to control for me. My trying to control what he does. Ha! I cannot think on a more futile persuit. I tell myself he is a grown-up and it's not my responsibility to monitor him. My responsibility is to myself and that's the method I use - guess it's a form of cognition and self interest. I am learning to put my own needs first. In my more sarcastic moments, I tell myself that's what he's been doing all of his life. I try to be my own therapist, I read as much as I can cope with and encourage him to do the same. I have chosen not to sleep with him and I find I am more rested , have less aches in my body and can generally assert meself more effectively. Reading other SOs postings really helps me end the isolation. We are not alone and I am so very thankful to everyone here.

Finding my way back to being me...slowly!