Here I am

[fedupwithit]

I've finally had it with this addiction and I'm reaching out through this website and community. I want to start by telling my story.
I am nearly 30 years old and I am sure I have a problem. I've tried many times to stop this addiction to P, when writing down my schedule in my day planner I often would but a little symbol or initials for a task that meant "don't MB to P today". I'd keep it cryptic so that if someone came across my schedule, they wouldn't know what it meant. Well, there are hundreds of these notes and a very few percentage of those were actually achieved.

I would say I indulge between one and four times per day. Sometimes these are brief, sometimes they are marathons that keep me beating away into the wee hours of the morning going down that spiral of unending lust.
My reasons for wanting to stop are several, firstly, the fact that I can't control it is reason enough, but I have many other reasons. I know it has affected my relationships, my sex drive is decreased and my girlfriend often blames my lack of sexual interest on herself. I feel awful, as it makes her feel bad and given that I live with her, I also feel awful that I live so much of my life hiding something from her. Amazingly, I have never been caught, but there have been countless close calls. Another huge factor in all of this is that I am self employed, I often work from home, alone, during the day, on a computer. It's a perfect recipe for disaster. I put off serious work, I jeopardize contracts, I under perform... given everything it's a miracle that I am able to make a living doing what I do, but I certainly pay for it. If I have a contract that should take a week, I'll probably end up having to work 18 hour days the last two days because I've spent the first three wrecklessly indulging in P. Even during those 18 hour days, I am a click away from my addiction and I'll probably indulge at least a few times. My craft, the services I provide, are related to my art. I am a filmmaker with a degree of success and to me, the art of cinema is integral to my life. It's a source of immense meaning for me. Of course my art suffers hugely too, time I could and should spend working on my passion are spent starring at images of women. Instead of creating new images, which I would say is my calling, I absorb predictable (normally) images ad naseum. So as someone who works in the film and television industry, and is responsible for securing all my own contracts and creating and initiating my own work, P addiction has been incredibly detrimental. I would even go as far as to say it has been the cause of my blowing one of my biggest opportunities as a filmmaker that had hollywood knocking at my door and my being unable to rise to the occasion as I was in the midst of rising to another calling I couldn't control. I also find, and it's hard to articulate this, that excessive MB is exhausting and it creates a feeling of indifference towards the world. If I've gone on a bender, I usually don't want to do anything for hours, if not a day or two. I've also gone down the dark path of deeper and more and more vulgar and twisted P. Although my routine typically consists of what by almost all standards would be considered extremely tame, I also sometimes indulge in some pretty strange fetishes that have me wondering what's wrong with my brain (although Freud would be forgiving, or at least curious). Nothing illegal or anything, but not the kind of imagery I'd say contributes to a happy healthy existence.
I can't say when this exactly started. Fundamentally speaking, I am not opposed to P (although I hypocritically believe it's degrading and sexist 90% of the tim) or MB and if I was someone who felt like I could control it, I wouldn't be here. But for me, I don't think P will work. I don't think I can use it sparingly. I don't think I can control myself with it. It's all or nothing when it comes to P and given the damage it's done, and the huge potential for more damage (work, art, career, relationships, family, psychology) I want to stop and I want to stop NOW. There was a time when I looked at P, I had a couple of magazines as a teenager and into my twenties, but the internet opened things wide up. If I am incredibly busy, or don't have access to P, I don't go into withdrawl or anything, in fact I usually feel great! I am little concerned that MB without P might replace MB with P, but given my ability to manage without it, I think I'll be okay. I don't think I am addicted to having orgasms, I think I am addicted to the big P.
So I want to keep a journal here. I want to try and beat this and I want to share the process.

Thanks for listening, I intend to check in whenever I can.

P.S. I wrote this yesterday and I am over 24 hours "sober" at the moment. So far so good...

[mell]

Fedup, you made a good decision in coming here. I think the key to recovery is support from other addicts.

Several years ago, I owned a business and it allowed me to have a lot of unaccounted time. I made the decision to give it up and go back to working for someone else to get rid of the time. It may be something you want to consider - it was a tough choice, but one that I had to make for myself.

I appreciate your comments about wasting time. I write as a hobby. I started a novel a few months ago. I recently went through a bad spell and a relapse. One thing that really bothers me (besides the obvious hurt I have caused to my family) is all the time I have lost. If I had been right minded, I would have probably finished the first draft of my novel by now. Instead, I am lugging along.

Keep coming back and keep posting.

Hoping your journey is a success.

Mell

[fedupwithit]

Thanks for the kind words Mell. So far so good, but it's incredible the amount of times a day my mind wanders and I find myself coming up with justifications. Fortunately I've been able to control myself. Man, it's weird to actively be trying to control this. It's already harder than I thought but I can say that being able to write things on here and read other peoples stories and advice has been helpful already. In the past, I'd just cave in and forget about my problem and not feel any accountability. Also, I HAVE been thinking about changing my career a little. It's tough as I love my work, when I am travelling the world and getting paid for it, it feels like I have the best job in the world. When I am sitting in my home office unable to control myself, it feels like the worst.

[JenMac]

Welcome to TTF Fedupwithit!
I like your username!
YOu have come to a great place to get lots of support and tips on how to rid yourself of this allconsuming addiction! There are many people here, who like yourself, are fighting this battle!
They will have many suggestions and words of wisdom for you in how you can best fight this.
You have already made the first step just by recognizing and accepting that you have a problem. Make yourself a plan. List your triggers as you discover what they are. Write, write, write! Clear your mind of the fog in which you have been living. Educate yourself about the industry which you have been supporting. Install a filter on your computer. These are just a few of the strategies in use here.
The most important though is just to listen and learn. Take others' experience and use it to your advantage. It is worth the fight!
All the best!
Jenn

[gideon]

Fed up -- I feel just like you. Entitled, outwardly successful, thought I was too smart to let this get me. But suffering my personal hell. Just wasted 3 free days when I could have done something productive doing you know what. It's gotta stop. It's going to be hard but I'm going to do it. Join me bro.

[downthedrains]

Fedup,
It appears all of us suffering with this addiction have so much in common. You've echoed so many of my problems
- not being able to work and often underperform cuz of the endless hrs that we spend with P.
- destroying relationships. in your case its your gf, but in my case, i've lost my social ability. and many many other common things which I am not going to repeat.


I think the first step to realize is that time to stop this addiction is NOW!!! AS i type this sentence, i am deleting 300gb of dirty vids on my computer. Right now I am so addicted that I feel like that deleting these videos is stupidity cuz I'll want to see them in another 2 hrs, but I think there is no better place to start other than delete the videos. So here is to you the first step, another fellow addict.

[fedupwithit]

Downthedrains,

Thanks for the comments - sounds like a pretty significant first step. Congratulations. Being new here, coming to terms with all this stuff, it's kinda surreal. Shoot me a PM any time you wish. And if I can make a light-hearted joke, I don't think you'll be able to download another 300 gigs in 2 hrs.! I did my deleting a few days ago.

[fedupwithit]

Happy to say I've stayed sober since joining this site.

[Sonomette]

Congrats! That's great to hear!

I know it's a bit belated, but I wanted to take a moment to welcome you as well. You're doing a good thing for yourself-- and for your gf, although I'm not certain that she knows it-- by coming here.

If she does know about your P problems, she's more than welcome to join the site too. I am the SO of a PA, and have found it incredibly helpful to know that neither he nor I are alone in this struggle.

Things around here move pretty quickly, so I didn't notice: did you start a journal yet?

[fedupwithit]

Thanks for the words Sonomette,

My gf does not know about my problems and I've been thinking about telling her. I can already say that I'd rather approach her and tell her about my issues (and add that I've joined this group and have already made some progress) than have her "catch" me, although I am doing my best never to have anything to be caught over again.

I think a journal would be good. Each day has been a bit of an adventure with new challenges and I am sure writing about it would be a good thing.

Many thanks again.