finally joined

[conquer]

I have been looking at porn in one form or another for about 20years. Of course when I started it was just so great and care free and I had no idea it could become so damaging and addictive. During the last 2-3 years I have been using P on a regular basis about 1 or twice a week, sometimes for 6hours or so in marathon time wasting sessions. It always has the same effect, which is to make me feel terrible about myself, life in general and I become withdrawn and moody with my family.
The reason I use p, is because I am feeling anxious or frustrated at something, it makes it all go away while I am in porn ecstacy to be the replaced by 2-3 days of self loathing and a promise I that I will never use porn again, which is then broken about a week later.
Each time I really believe I am never going to use porn again. I know how bad it makes me feel, I know how bad it is -for my confidence my well being, my relationships, I know it is a complete waste of time, I know I could get caught and perhaps lose by family. I also understand it is an addiction and so each time I use porn, I am strengthing the addiction as opposed to weakening it. I do not want to be someone who secretly wastes hours damaging myself when ever I get a little stressed.
There are so many reasons to stop, so why can I not stop ? Porn can creep up on me now with little notice, it is almost as if part of me is pretending it is not there, then WHAM, out it comes, "just one more time", "just 10mins so see what it is like". And then 6hours later I am back to where I was before.
I have been away for a wonderful 2 week holiday with my family. I did not think of porn at all, I thought this was great and wonderful.
Then the evening we come home, without any premeditation I am viewing porn late into the night. Where did that come from ? How has this thing got such a grip on me ? What scares me is that I can believe I am doing well and not really interested in porn, then it comes from nowhere and I am back where I started.
This is why I have joined and will try to contribute to the forum to see if I can give up for more than a week. At the moment I am on 5 days so this is okay for me, but I have often managed this length of time before. Hitting more than 1 week, will be my first goal.

[JenMac]

Welcome Conquer! You have found your way to a wonderful place! TTF is very supportive and is a great place to receive guidance and encouragement as you begin your journey to a Pfree life.
I hope for the very best for you!
Not sure if you have an SO or not but this is also a great place for them to be as well. IF you have shared your struggles with your SO, then they can also find support here at TTF.
My H and I have been here for a few months now and can honestly say that this place has been a Godsend for us. It gives us the encouragement we need, it gives us lots of food for thought and discussion and it helps us when we feel like we are encouraging others.
Wishing you all the best as you move along in your recovery, Conquer! Keep coming back!
Jenn

[TrueBlue]

Welcome to TTF!

One thing that I would definitely reccommend is starting a journal in the recovery journal section and making a battle plan.

My hubby is a PA, and he said the worst thing was that it wasn't even enjoyable in the end, but he would find himself doing it whenever he got the opportunity. So his battle plan is built mostly on avoiding opportunity, through an internet filter, and limiting computer usage, particularly when he is alone. Other people have different triggers, and they are more successful when they have decided how they are going to handle them before they happen.

Keep coming back, there are a lot of kind and knowledgable people here who would love to help, support, encourage, and educate.

Like Jenn said, this site has been such a huge factor in saving my marriage (to BlueHubby, who is also on this site).

I wish you strength,
TrueBlue

[OpenEyes]

Wellcome to TTF,

I would suggest looking over the articles section and the resources of this site. They give a pretty good insight as to general thinking in the mind of a PA and a survey or two that puts it in black and white where your weaknesses are and how porn is affecting you. You will need to be honest with yourself.

Honesty is a huge factor in beating this. Also, knowing how porn is affecting you. The survey starts the mind in that direction, may I suggest that you also make a list of why you want P out of your life? It may help you see it as the monster it really is, not just a bad addiction but the negativity it brings as well.

These are just some thoughts.

[conquer]

thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I shall start a journal. I am already struggling and can feel the need to use porn but I am on here instead which is good

[fedupwithit]

As a fellow newbie, I wish you luck! Reading these forums it's incredible to see how many supportive people there are out there and also how serious an issue this is.

[gideon]

new guy here too -- what you describe so well is very familiar to me: the feeling you've beaten it and then it comes back. One trick I'm trying: trying to remember how absolutely horrible I felt after the lest relapse. I'm hoping this keeps me away. good luck!