I am at the flame.

[want2bebetter]

Hi all! My name is Rob, or call me ‘W2BB’ or ‘Better’, or whatever you like. I’m in my 20s, from USA, single and always have been, I like reading, listening to music and poems, jogging and lifting weights. I’m an addict. And I suppose I’m still new enough to post here, even though I didn’t do so initially.

This is the sixth day since I decided to get clean. Unlike past periods of sobriety, this time I’ve been keeping a journal. But over these last days I’ve lost a bit of the sense of urgency and desperation that brought me here, perhaps because I’m a bit manic and I’ve been feeling good, perhaps also because there’s a voice inside me saying ‘You, an addict? That’s a bit of an over-reaction, no? Just come enjoy. Take a break. Any time.’ Well, I’m not going to listen to that voice. I’m laying everything down right here so that it’s clear where I stand. I want porn out of my life. I will not stoop to it again, I will not compromise with it, I will not succumb to the fears that push me into its embrace.

- Firstly, I declare upon it war without quarter.

- Secondly, I rally what is left of my soul, and I prepare for combat, for ambush, for deception, for frustration, for trial. I am at the flame.

- Thirdly, I ask of God, if I be wounded in the battle, that He carry me through.

And I am afraid. Beyond words can say, beyond tears could express, beyond screams, I am inarticulately terrified. It is only now that I comprehend that courage is not possible without fear. I comprehend that courage is rare. That it is difficult. That in every moment and always will remain the doubt that I might not find it in me. Minute by minute, triumph by triumph, wound by wound, I will have to carry on the fight anyway, not knowing whether ultimately I will win -- knowing only which side is right, and which is wrong, and for that reason alone to carry on, to seek for courage, and by endurance to conquer.

I want this really badly. I want to be better.

[Sonomette]

I've seen you around here plenty, Rob, and it's nice to finally get to welcome you!

I know that you're already familiar with much of TTF, so all I can really say is keep up the good work, keep on posting, and enjoy!

S.

[JenMac]

Way to go Rob! Declaring war on the enemy, that is a great place to start! For that is what it truly is! A war against an enemy that lives in secrecy amongst it's victims! And while you may be declaring to win the war within yourself, for many of us, we will be waging war on it within society at large, if only in our own small way!

Cheering you on Rob!

Jenn

[want2bebetter]

Hi Jenn, your support means a lot to me. I think I know what you know by "waging war on it within society at large" -- I'd love to join that fight eventually -- but for me initially the focus has to be on my own problem.

Do you know, are there any places in the forums on the "war in society at large"? Meaning I guess the fight against it with technology, laws, addiction education, morals or whatever.

[JenMac]

Rob!
I don't know of any specific forums here about that but others here may, not sure.
For me I have been doing some reading on AntiP sites and there is definately a movement out there! Not as big as the industry itself though, it seems!
You are right though, your first focus must be on you and your recovery.
Wishing you well!
Jenn