Glad to find all of you

[lostsoul]

Hi everyone and thank you all for posting here. I know I'm not the first to say how supportive it feels, knowing I'm not alone - isolation is so awful! #:-s

[maggie]

Lost soul,

" Isolation " is what this entire thing is about. What is more abnormal than a person that chooses to hide out all alone in his room?


The PAs have stepped out of the darkness and are working at gaining control of this addiction, and the SOs have stepped out from under the dark cloud that porn has caused in their lives, by posting here about the forbidden topic.

The isolation of p.

The PA doesn't want to talk to others about his problem, friends at work or guys at the gym, since guys are suppose to be strong and in control, not controlled by a girlie image.

The SO can't talk to her friends of family about it, since they would most likely judge her partner and wonder what is wrong with him.

The secrecy, the shame and the stigma of it all, keeps it well hidden.

[lostsoul]

:-<First, thanks to Maggie for her response. My major issue is about all the things P destroys, starting with trust. I think and find, as an SO, I can 'trust' my partner in some ways, but not in others. Unfortunately, it's the 'other forms' of trust that really matter to me. Material items can be replaced, but feelings, mutuality and intimacy, cannot, in my experience be rebuilt easily. I've been trying to come to terms with life as it really is for about three years. At present I'm trying not to torture myself with the 'how much more is there?' question. I'm just shattered, fragmented and as I haven't slept for two nights, not feeling articulate. Anyone out there got something to share about how to stop this question running about in my head?

[JenMac]

Hi LostSoul!
First of all, let me welcome you to TTF! I am glad you are here! I can hear the distress in your words!
This is a wonderful, caring place with lots of people who are or have been experiencing exactly what you are feeling. That does not take away the pain but it does help to make us feel less alone!
I am sorry that you have found yourself in this position and are struggling to come to terms with it over such a great length of time.
I wonder where your H is in all of this, what stage is he at? Has he committed to quit or is he still using? Does he understand your feelings of despair or is he unable to go beyond himself? All of these things will influence how you feel and how you are able to move on.
It is suggested that we write a letter to our spouse to express how this has affected/damaged us as their partner. I found that very helpful to me to organize my thoughts and very good to be able to get some of it off my chest. It was also good for my H to read my words. They seem to have a way of sinking in a little more when they are written.
Also, for me, I have always found that if I write something down, I am more able to let it go even if only for a little while. Just last night I started a little book where I will jot down all those little thoughts and feelings that I wrestle with. It is a way to just clear my mind so that I can move on to something more productive.
LostSoul! You have come to the right place! Keep coming back! Let the comfort and support of others make you feel less alone!
Jenn

[Sonomette]

Hi, and welcome!

I'm so glad you found your way here. The isolation is indeed awful.
This site is wonderful-- I wouldn't wish this on anyone, but I'm so glad to know that other people are going through it too. (I hope that makes sense)
It's great to be able to see this through the eyes of the PA too. I never realized how hard they struggle.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you much better! Glad you're here!

[lostsoul]

Hi All

many thanks again (Bashful blush). I've just posted a what-I-did-last-night and I hope it will give you some idea of where he and I are in this mess. I am of the opinion he has been lying all of his life and has gotten away with it. I may be (how can I know?) the first person to make him accountable for his PA. I've been doing this for three years, knowing there had to be other people involved. He always denied this and I used to wonder if I was so madly in love with him it was making me jealous and crazy. Well, folks, I guess we all know that we are not crazy, just intelligent, intuitive and honest. Recently I got the hard evidence and confronted him. After an initial lie, lasting about five minutes, he 'fessed-up and the rest as they say, is history. I know this has moved things to another level and I am prepared to leave. I have the support of my family and friends. WHat they know is that there are problems and my partner is not dealing with them. People who know me, know I don't suffer fools gladly and if there's a problem I'll do something about it.I'm reading about Betrayal Bonds just now and it's a huge help.

Being new, I hope I am staying within the boundaries of posting (Gulp) Please let me know asap if I am being inappropriate.

[maggie]

Lost soul,

Trust is vital in an intimate relationship where you give your heart and soul to another and put their needs above your own.

But is it possible to truly love a person that you do not trust ? Oxymoronic.

Been married a very long time, to a man I thought was wonderful. P changed all that.

He has been trying to rebuild trust, he is sorry, he is suffering... which I don't like to see... but really, I can love him as the person I knew who was kind and good, but I doubt that I could ever love and trust him in the way that is necessary in a committed relationship.

He destroyed that. And for a sick reason. I don't wish illness on anyone but if I had found out that he had suffered abuse as a child, or had a cruel and abusive mother... I could forgive and accept his bad behavior.

Not the case. He even admits that he got selfish. It felt good for a few minutes and he liked doing it. Sort of sounds like a 4 year old kid.