Sadly im another newcomer

[Sunny]

24 yrs old. Male. gonna 25 in feb. found porn around age 7. got addicted at 13. been a problem ever since. believer in Christ for 2 years now. Porn is poison. still struggling. no real groups in my town so i googled anything related to this and found this site. thought i should join.

interested in doing challenges and having accontability for once to other people. in a new phase of my life that sadly has me around the internet everyday unsupervised so this is gonna be tough.

[Sonomette]

Hi Sunny

I'm pretty new here too, and I am the wife (SO) of someone who has problems with things of an explicit nature.
This site is great, and while there is a lot to learn here, I think the biggest thing you'll find right away is that you are not alone in this struggle.
Everyone here deals with the same issues, and everyone here struggles. You'll find both the addicts and the significant others here, and everyone is very supportive and helpful. After all, we're in this together.
Thank you for joining, and please know you've done a wonderful thing for yourself by coming here.

S.

[Rowlf]

Hi Sunny,

Welcome to TTF.

You're right - P is poison and with that as a fantastic starting point you're in the right place for help in doing something about it.

You mention that you'll be around the internet a lot, so I'd strongly recommend getting yourself a plan together. What will you do if/when something triggers to you use P? Get yourself prepared now. Consider ALL of the triggers you know about right now, and do an action plan. There's a form on the site to help.

It's important to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT - find new ways to get away from the P long enough to come back to your senses. That's usually not that long. Get up, go for walk, reboot the computer, etc, etc.

Read the stickies and some of the journals on the site. This can really help to see how others are changing and becoming free of this addiction.

Good luck - you can do this. Take it one day at a time.

[Sunny]

Well the software stuff doesnt work. Im not a hacker per say but I definitely work with computers way too much to know not only how to get around software but even if I had software I still have a way to access P in some way or another. They have parental controls at the library which I managed to get around with ease to download whatever I wanted onto my gig drive and take home since I didnt have internet there which was good because I lived alone.

I have gone through the entire house top to bottom and through every Cd-R I have to get rid of my P. It got real bad several times when on a kick to find P I went back through my trash to look through the hundreds of discs I had that maybe I forgot about a folder on. Im a graphic designer and musician so Cd-Rs were used mainly for the work entailed in those ventures but I would also download P if I had the chance.

This computer isnt mine either. Im staying with family friends at the moment because Im in a living situation transition thanks to the economy. Im a residential/commercial painter and business has been slow so no rent means no home. Im working 2 small part time jobs plus the little work that comes through painting at the moment just to have gas in my car.

In any event, as far as triggers go Im definitely going to look into that. I know there are some things that trigger and other times it just comes randomly or the slightest thing will send me on a little stroll through P-ville. We have a pool table here so hopefully I find the discipline enough to get up and go play with that for a while.

I guess....I guess that when I pray about this...I have in reality told God that I want to wake up tomorrow and never want to look at it again. I ask God to switch it off. I know its silly...some people get delivered like that. Others do not. Some of us are meant to build that discipline which is a noble thing...and that I would say is what makes the phrase "a day at a time" the most hopeful albeit frustratingly annoying quote associated with recovery.

I try to have a sense of humor about this. When you have drug addicts or drunks you can at least say "Oh man those guys must have been to some wild parties, I bet they can tell some pretty crazy stories". When it comes to PAs I joke that were just some lonely losers with nothing interesting to say that sit home on the computer when no ones around.

I only mean it as a joke. I know all of us PAs are not well and need help. This is serious. It destroys homes, marriages, society etc. Because of that I wish people in society would take it more seriously even if we dont get liver failure or run the risk of overdose from it. I think to be an addendum to those Above the Influence commercials, there should be organizations in the mainstream culture advocating recovery from PA. Maybe it would encourage people to seek help more.

Its one thing if youre a drunk, drug addict or even an over eater or under eater. You can readily see the signs. PA is something that if you know how to cover your tracks you can engage in without anyone knowing at all. Thats what makes this so dangerous...

[Daniel]

Sunny,

You should start a journal and let the TTF Membership see more of your story if you're willing -you already have a great start here in your intro.

Yes, wouldn't it be great to have God in His sovereignty just reach in and tweak our minds a little and everything goes away?

But then we would not know how to cope, or as you rightly point out, build discipline and good habits; or even better, learn to rely on Him.

Continue!,

Daniel

[Sunny]

Journal what now? Where do I start that at?

In any event this is a very quick story of mine but its just the headlines...

Found porn young around 7. I still remember images and sentences from that magazine I found. My mom thinks I have falsified memories of finding it in her room but I really dont see that being the case.

Always hated God. Totally antichristian.
PA at 13. Goth/social reject by nature rather than choice. Graduated. Got into hardcore punk music after high school. Had girlfriends who hated my P use. In 2007 I got into horrorcore rap music. Started working for *removed* Records. Their music is being blamed for the Farmville VA murders. I knew one of the victims actually. *removed*. Law and Order based an episode on it.

October 1st in 2008 i was in new mexico living with Sicktanick and Razakel of *removed* Records working for their label. If i wasnt working on their projects I was downloading porn.

I was supposed to be there for 3 weeks but was only there for 3 days when at 4:30 in the morning I had a revelation of God after doing research on christianity after watching Zeigeist.

"Go home". I heard it clear as day. I knew it was God. I told Sick and Raz I had to leave. Gave my life to Christ putting faith in God that morning on I-40 crying like a little baby.

Struggling with porn still. Hating the way that over time you need more messed up stuff to get your fix. Its a drug that way Im convinced.

Thats just the basics. Theres so much I wont include for the sake of time. I know this story sounds a bit outlandish but its all true...sadly in a way but glorious as well because it shows just how much God loves us to save a wretch like me who was chief among the chiefs of sinners.

This cant beat us...lets do this...

[Sonomette]

Sunny,

The journals can be found on the forum page. If you scroll down, you'll see a section called "recovery journals".

You can start a thread in there, and reply to your own thread as new thoughts strike you, during your struggles, and as progress (or even relapses, although I hope you don't have many of those!) occurs.

Saying your feelings or thinking is one thing, but I have found that journalling helps me a lot. Something about having to focus on a thought to make a coherent sentence works for me. Seeing what I had written days ago and comparing it to how I am now is really interesting too. I'm sure you'll find it helpful. :)

While you're in there, you can get a sense of what other people who are struggling with PA are going through by reading their journals, and you can get an idea of what SOs go through by reading the journals that they have posted. It's interesting, but often heartbreaking, stuff. I know that it's opened my eyes a lot.

At any rate, I am glad you're here. We truly are all in this together.

S.

[want2bebetter]

Hi Sonny, you're right, this is going to be tough. But it's something you can do and should do. I'm with you man. As you say...

This cant beat us...lets do this...