A sad hello

[tinypieces]

Hi everyone!
I am another newbie, but have been visiting this site as a guest on and off over the last few months, trying to make sense of what is going on in my home.
I am the SO of a PA, although he is in complete denial, and trying to raise the issue causes a lot of arguments/tension in our house.
When I got involved with my partner I thought that I knew he had a casual interest in P, but have since discovered that he has been really quite clever in hiding the evidence of his extensive usage.
Over the past 3 years I have fought, thrown out the P I found (hundreds of hours of burnt dvds, purchased dvds, files on the computer.)
I have installed a P blocker on our computer.
He has it stashed everywhere though, and it seems every time I am in the shower/go to bed early/ out of the house he is looking at it.
I am just about to have a baby, and his P usage seems to escalate from when I find I am pregnant until I am recovered and finished feeding bubby, and have lost the excess weight. :(
I guess that is partly due to the fact that when I am pregnant/nursing/overweight I feel so low about my body anyhow I dont have enough fight in me to address it, but healthy, fit me is furious and hurt and sad and wants to leave and not look back.
I have given him ultimatium after ultimatium. He knows exactly how I feel about P, and how his watching it makes me feel about our relationship.
I find evidence of porn use at least every 8 weeks, when he forgets to hide his tracks, but am sure he uses it far more frequently.
I guess the question I would really like answered is how do I get him to acknowledge that the P issue is destroying our relationship??
I feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall!!!
Thanks for reading!

[Crisodian]

tinypieces,
Welcome to TTF. Your story is heartwrenching. I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you are having especially being pregnant. I am the SO of a PA in recovery.

Getting a PA to acknowledge they have a problem can be more than frustrating. It sounds like you have given your H ultimatums and yet they fall on deaf ears. I wish there were a magic bullet I could tell you to use that would get your PA to admit he has a problem and seek help. Sadly, there isn't.

My first suggestion to you, even though you have verbally expressed your views on P and his behavior, is to put your feelings, emotions and how P makes you feel down on paper and give it to him. Write him a letter with your feelings, expectaions and, if you feel it is appropriate, your ultimatums. That has worked for some of the SOs here.

For me and my H, I gave him the ultimatum and made darn sure he understood I was willing to make good on my promise to take our children and leave him to his P.

The sad and challening part of any addiction is that until the addict is willing to admit they have a problem and seek help for that problem, all of our begging, pleading, screaming, crying, fighting and stress fall on deaf ears.

You now have a new life you have to take into consideration here. Do you have somewhere you can go, even for a short time, to maybe give him a wake up call that you are serious about him quitting P? I would recommend, if you haven't, read some of the journals in the partner's section. Charly22's come immediately to mind. Sometimes it takes drastic measures for us to get through to our PAs.

Even if you don't get through to your PA, come here and journal and find support and healing for youself. Remember, PA is his problem and his addiction. What PA does to us as SOs is just as, if not more, damaging. Make sure you work on healing for you.


Find a path to peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

Welcome TinyPieces!
I am glad you have found your way here to TTF!
I am so sorry for the sad situation you find yourself in.
I have been married to my H for over 30 years and we have been dealing with this discovery for the last 5 months.
The first thing you need to know, if you don't already, is that you did not Cause this, you cannot Control it and you cannot Cure it! He has to want to fix this or it just won't happen.
You asked the question "How do I get him to realize this is destroying our relationship?" I would ask you, how do you feel about this being in your home, your relationship? Is this something you can live with or put up with? If so, then you learn to accept it, I guess. If not, then how will you be truly fulfilled within a relationship where this is happening, where he is putting this addiction ahead of your feelings, ahead of respect for you and your relationship. He is likely so deep into this that he will need a real wakeup call to enable him to step out of it long enough to be able to come to any true understanding of what this is doing to you, to himself and to your relationship.
You said you had given many ultimatums, not sure what those were or if they were followed through with. I know within myself what I can live with and what I cannot, so my H knew very early on that this would not be part of the life I chose to live. I was unsure if our marriage would make it through intact because of this discovery, let alone if the behaviour were to continue. There are still times we question if we will be able to come out of this the other side.
You have to decide what it is you are able to live with. You are the only one who is living in your shoes and knows your whole life circumstances. I do not have small children, I am in a situation where I am able to take care of myself if I need to. No one knows the situation in relation to someone else, so it has to be your decision. All I am saying is sometimes it takes making a decision for ourselves and being prepared to follow through with it. I know for me that just felt right, my mental health and self respect depended on it!
I am so sorry for your heartache! You have come to the right place!
Jenn

[Kathy]

I, too, am new to this site and learning very slowly how to use TTF. I am very sad to learn of your heartache...I was absolutely crushed 8 days ago and wasn't quite sure what I was going to do...leave my husband because of him meeting someone on line? Even though he hasn't met her physically, there was a chance it was going to happen until I 'thank God' was able to get into one of his e-mail accts that had saw alot more info than i had wished to see. It wasn't just her - there were many p sites. I was and am still sick about it. That broke the camels back...my husband 'chasman62' begged/crying me not to leave...I do believe he was sincere this time - "it's therapy or out", I told him. He 'finally' agreed to go - he admitted his problem to me - again, I thought I was going to be sick! But I do love him - I've been saying for years that I want my Chas back...enough of these constant lies...

We went for our first session the day after he confessed to me (we were very lucky to get the appt that quick...)and it went well - well if you call that well. Chas opened up to the counselor (I was numb pretty much the whole time) - he wants to be free of this addiction/mess that he got into and I did believe him then and STILL DO. In as much it's so hard for me to comprehend that secret lifestyle of his - I know we are both committed to staying together, moving forward and keep counting up the days of healthier freedom (? right words?)...

Anyway, please read his journal...and I truly hope that your husband will admit his problem to you and seek professional help. Yes, it's a shocker to hearing it but I am so happy that I've finally learned how to post, I'm sure I'll be learning more. Today I had posted a statement how I had a great start today - I smiled at myself in the gym mirrors (I haven't done that for years) but in the afternoon, Chas had told me something about what his mum went through with his dad's cheating and I just got so teary eyed. I know it's good for Chas to open up and tell me things - I need to try to understand this addiction and ask questions, and I still get teary eyed. I will for awhile - I'm just looking forward to the day I have his trust and never being doubtful too...all takes time.

I'll be thinking of you...Kathy

[tinypieces]

To Crisodian, Jenn and Kathy,
Thankyou girls for your warm responses.
What a lot of heartache there is here.
I feel both awfully sad and relieved to find a place where there are women who understand where I am coming from. So much of society seems to accept p. I am horrified and revolted by it. As I get older and my children get older I feel even more horrified by what is out there, and just want to bundle them up and raise them in the country somewhere... without computer access or other ppl!
I hate what p does to relationships/marriages/individuals.

At the moment it is very hard for me to feel sympathy for pa's, but I guess part of that is just because mine is yet to acknowledge that his hobbies are not 'normal'!
Kathy, I did read your hubbys journal, and thought it was beautiful. It gives me such hope in my own relationship, hope that my partner can accept his problem and work to overcome it.

Late one night I did sit up writing out my feelings in the form of a letter to my partner. I cant give it to him yet, because in the re reading it seems so harsh, and my emotions so conflicting.
I am finding the whole thing just out of control and exhausting.

I also feel foolish and embarrassed by my own responses to his addiction. He doesnt really believe that I feel the way I feel. He sees me wanting him toquit p as a way of controlling/ manipulating him.
I thought I would share what I wrote with you though... just putting all of this out there is helping. Makes me feel a little less crazy!
There are other things I haven't mentioned too, like a txt message found on his phone to what appears to be an internet girl, charges on our credit cards to web cam girl providers (both things have been denied despite the evidence,he doesnt know how someone got our credit card details??? ) And countless other crazy denials and promises to stop only to discover more use the minute I begin to relax. :(
I just need to concentrate on this baby coming now, and try to not let the p thing consume me. Easier said then done. :P
Thankyou again!


A letter to my partner.....

I love you.

You are a beautiful man. Generous friend. Wonderful father.

I love your warmth. I love your kindness. I love your enthusiasm, your confidence, your body, your spirit......

But.......

right now I want to leave. I want to run screaming. I want to never, ever be with any man ever again. I want to feel confident, and safe, and beautiful, and worthy. I used to feel that way. You used to make me feel that way.

Before p.

Before I realised the hold it has over you.

I tried. I tried to understand it. I tried to laugh it off. I watched it with you sometimes, hating it but loving you.

I tried to believe you when you said it was really me that you wanted, and only me. I lay in bed missing you, crying, holding your baby in my womb while you sat up all night looking at women who looked the opposite of me.

I tried to convince myself that i was no big deal while I checked your computer history. Revisited all of the pages you looked at. Watched all of your saved movies....

I tried not to notice when you bought a move into our lovemaking that I had seen previously in one of your dvds. I tried not to feel sick when I realised you were having sx with the fantasy in your head instead of making love to the woman in your bed.

I tried to convince myself that I was imagining things. Tried telling myself I was being unreasonably suspicious. Tried to believe your lies.
It is a pity really, that I know your beautiful face so well.....

I tried to feel sxy when I approached you in expensive underwear. Tried harder not to feel foolish and awkward. Tried not to think of my imperfect body and imperfect sexual responses to your touch.

I tried changing things in the bedroom. I accepted things I wasn't comfortable with doing to make you happy. I tried pretending to enjoy what we were doing. I tried convincing myself that every woman 'fakes it' sometimes.

I tried starving myself and manically exercising to lose the pregnancy weight as quickly as possible. I tried not to over react when I would return from the gym to find you had spent the time I was gone looking at p.

I tried other thing too.

I tried to punish you. I tried withholding affection, sx, intimacy.

I tried looking at you with revulsion and disgust. I tried to hate you.

I tried to catch you out at every turn. I tried checking your phone and computer, our bedroom, shed and car for 'evidence'. I often found it.

I tried talking. And crying. And yelling.

I tried silence.

I tried planning for a life without you in it.

I tried picturing the children's faces as I tell them we won't be together anymore.

I am so tired of triying.

I wish you could see that p is destroying our relationship.

I wish you realised that when I ask you questions about your p I more often then not already know the truth.

I wish the lies didn't roll so easily off your tongue.

I wish you could carry some of the burden of my heavy heart.

I wish you wouldn't get so angry and defensive when I try to talk to you about p.

I wish you wouldn't jump to psdefence. I wish you would fight for me as passionatley as you fight for your right to view porn.

I wish I could go back in time and not fall in love with you, not start a life with you.

I love you but I don't trust you.

I can't leave the house without feeling sick about what you might be doing when I am gone.

I can't be naked around you anymore. We used to be so free. Our sx has no 'light' in it now that has been marred by countless faces and bodies and acts that have nothing to do with me/ us.

I can't plan for our future. There is no joy in that for me anymore. I dont want to talk about house extentions or holidays or business plans.

I can't marry you next year. I cant stand in front of all of the people that we know and love and commit to you forever. I can't hear you say 'forsaking all others' when I know that to be a lie.

I can't enjoy preparing for the new baby we are about to bring into this relationship. I can't help thinking about healing from a c section in hospital while you mb to images of perfect naked childless 18 year olds.


But I can't disapoint you either.

I can't walk away from you, can't hurt you.

I can't do that to our children, or to our families.

Not yet.

I feel hopeless and afraid. Weak and of no value. Out of my mind. Ugly. Ashamed. Old. Used. Exhausted. Sad. Depleted. Desperate.

[chasman62]

Tinypieces:

I just want to say that I read your letter to your partner and it is one of the most powerful things I have yet seen on this website. I hope it can be put somewhere prominent here, because I believe that every PA who visits here should read it. I am not ashamed to say that I wept when I read it, at your anguish, at what this s$%t called p does to relationships, and how it destroys the most sacred bonds that hold our society together.

I am not going to give you any advice, I am not qualified to from where I am. All I can do is send my heartfelt support and wish the very best for you and your new baby.

May you draw from the strength and wisdom of the other SOs on here to reach the right decision for you.

[Crisodian]

tinypieces,
It's perfect. I hope you send it. Harsh is the point. It's a wake up call for what his addiction is doing to you and his family.

You are not alone in how you feel and you have every right to feel as you do.

Find peace,
~C~

[JenMac]

HI Tiny Pieces!
Wow! You have captured what so many of us feel so very well. I agree with Crisodian, you should send it! These are your true feelings. They are not fabricated to make him feel bad, they are what you feel. There is no getting around that. You have written some powerful truths. Yes they have shock value but that is often what is needed in situations like this. To shock them back into some sort of reality!
Hope you will find some peace in your day today! You and the baby require that!
Jenn

[Charly22]

Your letter, in my opinion, is exactly what it should be. I hope you don't mind, I believe it deserves to be added to the "best of ttf" thread....I want to copy it there.

It's as though it came from my very own heart....it's exactly how I have felt, and still do. It appears that you are aware now, and if not, I hope you will be, that all those crazy thoughts of questioning our own judegment, trying to be something more so it won't happen, I hope you are aware that none of that was ever necessary. And as wrong as it felt to try to be something we are not, to ignore our instinct to please them, to "try" to believe the lies....that is our weakness is all of this. NO MORE!!!!!!!

I can relate with every last detail in your letter, and I hope you can see now that it never had anything to do with you. Even though your instinct was to be "better" for him....the table needs to turn.....the im-balance isn't coming from you.....it's coming from his p addiction....he needs to tip the scale.

Be proud of who you are.....

I hope you present the letter to him.....

[Charly22]

I'd also like to suggest, that after he reads your letter, you ask him to read other journals here on this site. So, he can see, that it is not just YOU with these feelings. If you have to, print pages that you believe are relevant for him to read. Present him with your pain, as well as every other woman's pain, because of this deceiver they call P.