A sad hello

[tinypieces]

Thankyou all so much for making me feel welcome and understood. I am in tears reading your responses. You all give me such hope.
Charly, I have begun to read your journal, and it breaks my heart. We are on a very similar journey.

At the moment I am trying to muster the courage to send my partner an email. It is hard working out the right time to start the conversation. I hate rocking the boat on a day that we are playing happy families. :(

thankyou all again. What a gift it has been to find this site, and discover that I am not alone.

[Crisodian]

At the moment I am trying to muster the courage to send my partner an email. It is hard working out the right time to start the conversation. I hate rocking the boat on a day that we are playing happy families. :(

Unfortunately, there is never the "right" time, never a "good" time. It's one of those things that has to be done. Kind of like paying bills. You have to make time.

If we postpone the confrontation, it only makes our pain and stress worse as we carry around the burden, even on the days we are playing nice and all seems right in fantasy land.

It's hard. And stressful. No sugary coating there.

You have the power to tell him what P is doing to your life and to you. Take it. It's yours.

Peace and Hugs to you on a difficult day,
~C~
>:D<

[OpenEyes]

Hello tinypieces,

I am a pa, and also will not give you any advice on you, that is for you to work out, and the SOs on this site are far more qualified to help than I. I was very moved by your letter, and it reminds me so much of a similar one sent to me by my wife. I reread it to remind myself of he damage done, and to give myself strength in times of weakness facing stressful situations.

As for your PA, I would like to suggest a strategy that my help. If he will not come to this site himself and take the surveys, and read over the material on the articles page here, like this one:
The online support community for pornography addiction
Defining pornography addiction, what does it really mean?
After taking those two, I knew I was a PA, until those two, I was liing right in my wife's face about my P use. I hate what I was like, what I did to her but, until I realized I was a PA, I defended myself with everything I had, like your PA. Other surveys help to, to reinforce the message that this is widespread and he fits the profile from multiple sources. Here are two others:
Breaking Pornography Addiction
SexHelp.com - Sex Addiction
You cannot make hime admit it, that is when addiction digs in it's heals and protects it self with all sorts of denials
Checklist: 14 types of denial.
Give him the "rope" to hang humself. Let him "prove" to you he is not addicted and take all the surveys. He does not need to answer aloud, if he does, he can lie, silent, he answers only to himself. He will lie to himself, but not as much as he lies to you.

This is just a suggestion, but one I think my help get him over that barrier of ADMITTING that he is an addict. The addiction part is scary, but, once admitted, can be dealt with.

Good luck and know you have friends here.

[Kathy]

Hi TinyPieces...we just got back from taking our daughter to uni/first apartment...yikes, apt. was filthy! Anyway, PLEASE send your letter to your partner...IT IS EVERYTHING that I have felt/feel and WISHED I HAD SENT THE SAME MESSAGE to Chasman62...but then, I never knew about his 'little secret' until this past May/June and then just two weeks ago, as you are probably aware of, I learned about his 'huge dirty secret'. Your letter is so beautifully written - it just says it all...I'm thinking of you...

[BlueAlley]

A letter to my partner.....

I love you.

But.......

Oh, my God, tinypieces. Your letter lays bare the devastation that destroys our hearts and souls. You're a brave truth-teller. I salute you.

[Sleeper]

Hello tinypieces,

I am a pa, and also will not give you any advice on you, that is for you to work out, and the SOs on this site are far more qualified to help than I. I was very moved by your letter, and it reminds me so much of a similar one sent to me by my wife. I reread it to remind myself of he damage done, and to give myself strength in times of weakness facing stressful situations.

[...]

This is just a suggestion, but one I think my help get him over that barrier of ADMITTING that he is an addict. The addiction part is scary, but, once admitted, can be dealt with.

Good luck and know you have friends here.

I'm glad that OpenEyes posted. I'm new here too. I'm a PA trying to work on things. I have been reading a lot on these forums and I get sick inside when I see hate rolling off peoples posts rather then love that I see in tinypieces post.

Remember this is an addition. sometimes we can't admit... even to ourselves, that we are addicted. we need help. Thank you both for showing that we are worth helping.

[elle kay]

I'm glad that OpenEyes posted. I'm new here too. I'm a PA trying to work on things. I have been reading a lot on these forums and I get sick inside when I see hate rolling off peoples posts rather then love that I see in tinypieces post.

Remember this is an addition. sometimes we can't admit... even to ourselves, that we are addicted. we need help. Thank you both for showing that we are worth helping.

its not hate you see . Its broken heartedness and utter despair. Until a PA can face and own that pain that they have caused in their loved one, the relationship can not heal. The addict needs helping , yes, and support from the SO, but for any chance of the relationship mending , the PA has to put the SO's needs first and foremost. For possibly the first time.

[BlueAlley]

I'm new here too. I'm a PA trying to work on things. I have been reading a lot on these forums and I get sick inside when I see hate rolling off peoples posts rather then love that I see in tinypieces post.

Remember this is an addition. sometimes we can't admit... even to ourselves, that we are addicted. we need help. Thank you both for showing that we are worth helping.

Hello, Sleeper, and welcome to TTF.

I'm an SO with a husband who is an SA, a PA and a s*xual anorexic. Internet porn was a perfect addition to his SA troubles. It took about eight years for the porn attraction to develop into a full-blown addiction. Before that, it was his selfishness and absolute disregard for me and our relationship that opened the gate through which he alone walked himself straight into addiction, despite the times I confronted him about his behavior. He was having too much fun to listen to me, so now where did he bring both of us? Here.

Perhaps you can't imagine what it is to be on the receiving end of these hideous realities, and if not, you're fortunate. Elle is right: What you're seeing in a lot of hostile posts is the decomposing garbage that was handed to the SOs by their PA partners. It's devastation. Even though I love my husband enormously, there have been days and nights that I positively wanted to throttle him. The pain he gave me is that deep. I hope you'll consider a point of view other than the addict's.

I agree that all addicts are worth helping when they're ready to help themselves and not before. And now, as you can see by the posts filled with legitimate rage, the SOs need help, too. Unlike the addicts, we didn't get here by ourselves, and we won't get out of it by ourselves.