Old to the Suffering, New To The Cure

[nightfall]

Hi everyone.
I found this forum late last night as a result of desperation.
I am a porn addict.
I think I am a sex addict as well.
It has been tremendously hard to kick. That is... until my wife uncovered my activity.
I know this is a familiar story, I have seen it repeated many times now through my readings online about this subject.
I have been using masturbation since i was about 11 or 12 and accidentally ran into the first porn of my life soon after. It has been 30 years now and all my life has been marked by low self worth, depression, and withdrawal from others on the level of true honesty and intimacy.
How I ever made it this far... i just dont know.
I have considered and discarded the idea of suicide many times as a solution to my suffering. I have tried to quit before, countless times, with only frustration and shame as the fruit.
I was confronted by this before by my SO and always said it wasnt a problem. this is because I have been so hooked to it as my escape, that I couldnt admit what I already felt was true: that I am sick.
I have not viewed porn now for about a month. it has been a a couple of weeks since i masturbated. I tricked my self into thinking that was ok somehow and quickly found myself fantasizing... more of the same.
What drives me to no go back is my love for my wife.
She is having an incredibly hard time with this and it is complicated by the fact that I also had a phone affair with an old girl freind last summer. The causes of me turning to an actual human being are a point of argument between us but we both agree that was wrong.
The complexity of the situation doesnt end there.
I have dug myself a hole of infidelity thru porn and online relations that has proved to be too large for me to climb out of alone.
She hates me most of the time (it seems) and even when things seem to get a little back on track with us, I find myself tearing it apart through my paranoia of her and a friendship with a male she has.
In short I am a mess and I find ways to blame her for it somehow.
I am glad I found this forum. I really need a healing perspective on this.
She doesnt trust me at all. I dont trust her half the time either and I dont know if I can trust myself.
My addiction has caused many issues for me in terms of thinking and has left me with an inability to be honest with her.
Ok so now I am blaming the addiction.... I feel like I cant trust my own thinking either.
HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[dave]

Welcome here. I came here in similar shoes to you over 2 years ago.
It was tough at first but miraculously I have stayed clean and moved on into quality recovery. I hope you hang around this site. There is a wealth of experience in how to build a new life.
Dave

[Bryan]

Hi Nightfall,

I'm new here too. Welcome, and I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you feel. I know all too well how bad it feels to not be able to trust yourself, and to feel the reality of knowing your thoughts have been poisoned. How can you make yourself better when you feel crazy, and when regular sane methods of helping one's self can't be maintained because your instincts always push you to self sabotage? At least that's the way I often feel about it. I've never considered myself crazy, but after learning about and paying attention to the struggle of this addiction, I now know that part of my mind IS sick, and needs help.

And thankfully, there is help. There is hope. There is a way out of the madness. It takes a hell of a lot of work, and a lot of honesty and a lot of letting go of old ideas... not just about porn and sex, but ideas about ourselves and our value, our ability, our fellow man, and our choices... and if you can commit to the work then you will get through it.

No one has to do this alone. There are plenty of us here who are in the same boat fighting against the same current. We can get further when we row together, we can do better when we trust each other.

I'm glad you're here. I haven't been here very long but I know that this is a good place. Good luck to you, and keep in touch. You have friends here.

-Bryan

[nightfall]

So far i have only been here a few days and have gotten good real words. i very much appreciate it. I need someone who isnt gonna tell me "Its ok, you're a guy" or some such dribble. (haha)

I am in the best mood i have been in within the last 72 hours. I am just very very glad that there is a way to heal. without it i would have starved from loss of hope.