My Story

[chasman62]

Apologies in advance for the length of this post. I hope that some of you will read it and that it will provide me with an entry into what seems to be a very positive place for people like me.

I am 47 years old, I will be 48 next week. To all intents and purposes I lead a happy successful life. I have a wonderful wife, two great kids, a good career, friends, money etc. I appear in public as the model of a solid and responsible husband, father, friend and colleague. The truth, however, is very different. Behind that facade lies a dark world full of lies, secrets and shame. Of behavior that has nearly cost me everything that I should hold dearest in the world. Of a compulsive obsession that has led me to the brink of a complete breakdown, and almost made me take a path from which there could be no hope of return.

All of you here know in general terms what that obsession is. For most of my adult life I have been 'addicted' (I am still not sure that is really the correct term but I struggle to find another one) to seeking out and looking at p, and in conjunction with that I have been since adolescence a compulsive mber. The story is a long and familiar one. Too long and too familiar to most of you I am sure. Lies, deceit, withdrawal from activities...being caught...promising to stop...trying to stop...failing to stop. Rationalizing that it was normal, that my wife didnt understand me, that I needed sexual release and on and on and on.

Until last year, however, the pattern hadnt really changed for 13-14 years. Yes I had risked my job sometimes and yes my marriage was suffering but I had kept this (in my mind) under control and I thought it actually helped me deal with stress and so on. Yes I had spent money on it, but I could afford it, and so it really wasnt a problem. That all changed when I discovered sexcams. I was like an alcoholic who all his life went into bars where they only served beer, and then one day walked into a bar where they served scotch. One taste and boom. I was totally and completely hooked. Here was a place full of people like me, reinforcing that this was not only ok but great fun. A 'community'. Here were women who were live and in person and they loved this too. I went from being a 'stable' pa and compulsive mb into what i consider a virtual 'sa'.

I had virtual sex with many women, I spent thousands of dollars, I withdraw almost completely from my other life. I came up with any excuse to avoid doing things. It took over my existence almost completely. Then the inevitable happened. I became obsessed with one of the models. I bought her gifts, sent her money (again thousands of dollars), sexchatted with her at work, at home, in my car......and then made plans to meet her.

My wife became increasingly suspicious and eventually started looking into things. She found hundreds of text messages, and a couple of incriminating e-mails. By now of course, trying to manage all the chat accounts, credit cards, phone bills and keep everything hidden was almost impossible. If I wasnt online looking at p I was obsessing about being discovered. She confronted me and I lied. I told her yes I had met a 'friend' on the internet but that was all it was and I promised I would end it. I cancelled the 'business' trip and that was that. But of course it wasnt. I was still doing p and I reconnected with the woman and made new plans to meet her at a different time.

My wife remained suspicious and then this past Monday, a day that changed my life forever, I got careless for the last time. I left my secret gmail account open on the computer and she saw it. Not everything but enough.

It took me a little while but then I knew I had to confess everything and so I did. The truth about p, mb, sexcams, this woman.....on and on and on. This week has been the hardest of my life and I am on here to ask for your help and support in helping me recover from this. I also hope that maybe in time I can serve as an example to the younger pa's on here about where this can lead you...how it can erode your conscience, your very essence until you dont really know who you are anymore.

I have made a commitment to myself and my wife that I will beat this and be the husband she deserves. I know it will be difficult but I am committed to doing it. She has been nothing but supportive (and she has already joined this forum) and I consider myself blessed that she is still with me. I started counselling this week, although I dont know really what kind of therapy to get. We have talked about all these painful things openly and honestly. Together we put internet filters on all the computers at home last night, it was a surprisingly powerful experience.

I do not feel the euphoria that some describe after making the pledge to quit. I am wracked with guilt and remorse and I cant sleep or function properly at all. I hope that will start to recede at some point.

I guess that is about all for now. If you have read this far thank you....posting this is really more about me getting this out at this point than asking for any specific help or advice.

[artguy34]

Welcome to TTF chasman62,

Many of us have been where you are today. I still know that feeling you described very well...

I do not feel the euphoria that some describe after making the pledge to quit. I am wracked with guilt and remorse and I cant sleep or function properly at all. I hope that will start to recede at some point.

Yea, that first week when the damm broke, I felt sick, disgusted and guilt ridden among other things. I also used these feelings to help me fight my addiction and avoid any relapses early on. So keep these memories fresh in your head, because when your conscious starts to tell you that "Just one peek is not going to hurt" just picture the hurt and pain your wife has suffered through this and realize that relapse is NOT an option!

You've made a big step towards healing, but this road is tough and you will encounter many obsticles. Work hard, be honest with your wife and you will see the difference in yourself.

Take the time to read many journals by both SO and PA members. It will help to open your eyes to many things, even what your wife may be going through.

Healing yourself is only half the journey, supporting your wife in her healing is the other half. But the rewards of healing are great! And healing CAN happen if you believe!

I wish you luck on your road to recovery!

AG

[Kathy]

Just a test to see if i can post here.

[Kathy]

Hello…my name is Kathy and I’m ‘Chasman’s’ wife. We’ve been married for almost 22 years and on Monday, August 16th , 2010 I’ve suggested to him to ‘finally’ pack his bags and explain to our two children what he’s been up to and why he will be leaving! I truly was at my wits end after I was able to get into his ‘secret’ email. The trust I had for him had truly gone down the toilet….

This is my third attempt to try to post on this site. It’s nearly 12:45 a.m. now, and what I recently typed 45 minutes ago, has ‘vanished’ – so now it’s type ‘again’, copy and paste via word. I truly wanted to give up on this, but Chas has asked me to stick with it…

Anyway, after learning on Monday, that my husband’s lies didn’t stop, I went crazy. Took a bike ride – contemplated at a lake site as to what to do next, got on my bike and carried on again for another 13.5 miles. I really didn’t want to go back home. I am disgusted – I truly can’t stand the site of him anymore. Hearing his voice made me cringe…wasn’t sure what the truth is/was coming out of his mouth on that Monday evening. When he couldn’t show me his ‘secret business’ credit card statement for the past few months, I knew this was the final last straw for us; even though I didn’t want it to be true.

I learned how he met a woman (if that’s what you want to call her) via playing internet poker and they were just friends. If you were just friends, why the many texts between these hours and if he was just friends, why the secret emails??? But I was told “it’s over.” I asked again for the credit card statement…still he couldn’t do it. Why??? I’m sure you all are familiar with this story…payments to the ‘sites’ and payments to this one woman in particular. Poker my ass. I was ready to get sick…then I was told how he made arrangements to meet her – that’s when I lost it. My hair was looking like a brillo pad minus the pink soap, words that I’ve never said bursted out of my mouth, and my adrenaline was racing . Yes, I, Kathy, was not a calm 5’1” ever trusting naïve wife anymore. If it wasn’t for the fact that our son’s golf clubs had recently been put away, I might have taken a swing to him with one of his clubs, but instead, he got to experience a very tall glass of ice water thrown at him. He is sooo lucky…

So why am I here? I do love my 6’4” Chas that I met 23 years ago, I want him and his trust back to ME…I hope that I can help him with many hugs, kisses and listen to him during his ‘withdrawal’ times…so far, it’s day 5 and we are both counting UP!

Thanks for any advice that you can provide to me…cheers to you all. Kathy

[TrueBlue]

Just wanted to welcome you both to the community. It's not a fun place to HAVE to be, but it's a great place to find yourself as you are counting UP like Kathy says.

One huge thing that I have learned since my "discovery" is that even if you think you have talked openly and honestly about things, the discussion is probably not over. My hubby expected me to talk it out and then not need to talk about it anymore, which kind of dropped me into an even lower funk.

Here at TTF, we are all fighting the same thing, so again, welcome!

TrueBlue

[chasman62]

Thanks for the welcome TB. I have already spent a lot of time on here reading about other peoples experiences and it has helped a lot. Finally a productive use for the internet!

I have committed myself to complete and total disclosure and Kathy and I have shared a lot of painful things in the last few days. Today we went through all the statements from my secret credit card for the past year. We are, I think, suffering somewhat from the paradox that someone else described on here. With every detail that I provide to her I get stronger in my commitment and feel better about myself as a person capable of being truthful and honest. But every time we go through those discussions or disclosures she feels (understandably) greater depths of pain and betrayal and anger.

I think she will need all the wisdom and experience of the SOs on here who have experienced the same things. I know she has already reached out to a couple of ladies on here and I think that will be very important.

Again, many thanks for your welcome.

Chas

[Charly22]

I'd like to respond to Kathy's post......

You have every right to feel and react exactly as you are. And every right to demand that he be completely honest and transparent with you right now. You take as much time as you need. If you need to detach, and allow yourself to get through these negative feelings, then he needs to make room for you to do that. And if he truly loves you, and truly understands that he will need to spend the rest of his life making sure he never makes you feel this way again, then he will be patient, he will wait, happily, and be thankful you are still willing to hold his hand.

In the meantime, I hope you can start your own journal, a place to vent and let those feelings out.....without worrying about how it might hurt him or his recovery.

You're a brave woman......

And your husband is a brave man......

Good luck on this new path....