Making some changes

[Bryan]

Hi everyone.

My name is Frank, no I'm just kidding, as you can see my name is Bryan. I am a recovering addict and I am in need of the help and support of this forum. Badly. I'm very grateful to have found this place and know that it will be a big help in getting me through the struggles of this disease. Thank you all for being here and creating such a wonderful, and more importantly, safe place on the internet.

I am powerless over P and M, and have been trying to recover now for almost 2 years. I am married, and will most likely be a father by the end of the week (my wife is due on Sunday). I've had mixed progress in my recovery, many ups and downs, but lately I feel like I've been moving backwards some. Yesterday I had my worst relapse since hitting bottom back in September of 2008.

I am trying to move past the shame of acting out and embrace the choices I can make to help myself. Finding all of you is a good step in that direction.

I look forward to getting to know all of you better and hope to return all the love and support I know I will find on these boards.

>:D<

Bryan

[Crisodian]

Bryan,
Welcome to TTF. First, congratz on the new little one (coming soon)! Children are a wonderful gift. I am the SO (wife) of a PA, who is active here at TTF, and has been clean for almost a year now. I also am an addict that has been in long term recovery.

There are great resources here for finding and making a plan that will work for you to help keep you focused on the goal of becoming P free. I encourage you to start a journal in the Recovery Journals section to help keep track of your progress on the road to recovery.

Does your wife know of your addiction?

It sounds like you need to be committed to the road to recovery, now more than ever, with a new little one on the way. Good for you for taking the steps to make that happen for yourself AND your family.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Bryan]

RE: Crisodian

Thank you for the welcome. And thanks for the congratulations, we are very excited about the baby. I completely agree that children are a gift. I'm glad to be here to help me connect with positive action and change so I don't have to be as afraid about my addiction interfering with my ability to be a good father.

I will start a recovery journal, I think that will be a great tool for me and something valuable to reference when I'm tempted online.

To answer your question, yes my wife does know about the addiction. She was the one who finally made me face it, it was before we were married.

If you have a moment to read, this is a brief synopsis of my story-

During our relationship I had made a promise to stop using P and M, not because she demanded it but because she told me how it made her feel and how she was trying to overcome those feelings. I told her not to worry, that I could give it up (thinking at the time that I actually could)... I lasted maybe a few months but then the acting out started again. First at work, viewing P and eventually even sneaking away to the bathroom to M, and then at home whenever she was somewhere else. I never let her know that I had/and was actively breaking my promise. My life was full of shame and confusion and I would try desperately to justify my actions and my rationalizations to myself were getting more and more outlandish by the day. I acted out this way progressively worse and worse for a few months until finally she caught me and I confessed everything.

It took a lot of time to rebuild trust and to mend our relationship, but she has stuck it out with me, and for that I love her more than anything and am eternally grateful. We got married in January of 2009 and she has been an active part of my recovery since I started. She has been doing a lot of her own recovery too dealing with a SA.

But I'm here now because despite some of my best efforts I've recently started using P at work again, and I don't want to be stuck in that cycle. I want to rediscover my recovery and do my best to recommit to the things I know work. Like love, sharing, honesty, integrity, humility, and forgiveness.

Thanks again for the support. :)>-

[Charly22]

Love your Avatar....I do believe that is Megaman.....from back in the day, loved playing that game over and over with my husband!

I encourage you to share this website with your wife....when you feel comfortable doing so. Does she know of your latest relapse?

But kudos to you for recognizing what is happening and taking steps to squash this awful addiction. Glad you are here.

[Valente Fitness]

I know from experience that the pregnancy is the start of a difficult time that provides plenty of triggers. It's very smart of you to turn to this board for support.

[Rowlf]

Hey Bryan,

Welcome to TTF.

I encourage you to get an action plan together NOW. Life is going to get hectic and busy real soon now. That can easily equate to stress and stress leads straight to acting out without some good preparation.

Make a list of your triggers. Next to each of them put an alternative action. It used to be P. That door is closed. What are you going to do instead? Call someone? Go for a walk? Move away from the computer? - Get some planning done.

I've been close to acting out at work. If you're there right now you need to make some changes NOW!

You can do it. There are many of us who have been in your situation and have made the change. You've got added incentive with your imminent new arrival.

What changes are you going to make today?

Remember the goal is to stay clean today. You can do it!

[maggie]

Bryan, I appreciate your statement that you are powerless over this.

As a man, husband, and soon to be father; being powerless is not going to allow you to enjoy and sustain a happy and fulfilling family life.

You are smart enough to recognize that this profitable and sick industry has you and millions of others hooked. Kick em out! Their enticement tactics, the photo-shopped- completely unrealistic images, and the propoganda of the porn industry.

This is not what you want for you, your wife or your child.

Try to read the advice that is posted here by men who have struggled with this demon and have conquered it. Not easy, but is there anything really worthwhile or truly valuable in this life ever easy ?

OBTW..Congratulations...Joy

[maggie]

CityFool,

You've made so many meaningful statements in your post to Bryan. I hope he and many other posters here develop your understanding of the impact of all of this.

Especially liked the idea of putting the password to a world of evil behind a photo of something innocent and pure.

Is this a survival technique in life? Look at, understand and appreciate what you have and what you may forfeit if you make poor choices.

[Bryan]

Thank you everyone for the support. I really appreciate it!

I really need this place. I really need help in overcoming this addiction and letting go of my will that I can do this my way, by myself. I wound up acting out again today during the morning. I wish I hadn't, but I am starting to realize more about why I do. The problem is, no matter how much self-exploration I do and no matter how much I learn, I always repeat the same mistakes. I cannot trust myself on the internet, yet I cannot realistically find a way to cut it out. I act out at work, not at home, which poses extra challenges about installing blocking software. And because I often need to use certain search engines for work purposes, I cannot block the place that I have found the most easy way to find P on the net.

But I am not quitting or throwing in the towel. I do make mistakes, and that is a part of life. But I am not slave to them, I always have the choice. When I choose P I am choosing something unhealthy for me and for my life. I am choosing it because at the time of the choice my brain is so overwhelmed by an emotion that I can't think straight and put the temptation on the same level as the life I want to keep. Learning how to handle these emotional limitations will help me keep perspective when faced with a choice, and perspective helps me make healthier choices.

Thank you to Charly22, yes it is Megaman and I'm glad you know and love him too, he is one of my favorite characters. Thanks for the help.. my wife has asked me not to share too much about my relapses with her right now so she can focus on her well-being for the baby... it is difficult because sometimes it can feel like I am lying to her, but she wants me to know she loves me and as long as I am working to continue to fight my addiction then she trusts that even if mistakes happen that it will be ok. I have let her know about this site though, and told her I'm coming here.

Valente Fitness - the pregnancy has been very hard already just with all the changes, I cannot even comprehend how it will be once the baby is born.. I know it will be challenging, and I am a bit scared of it being more so than I am capable of... but I know that part of life is not always being prepared for what comes our way and finding a way to deal anyway, so that is why I am here. Thanks for the help, I think this is a smart place to be too.

Rowlf - great name and great character :) Thanks for the welcome. The action plan is a great idea, I definitely need one at work. I'm starting to write down a list of all the emotional crap in my head and connect it to the behaviors I have. Making an inventory of my actions to see myself for who I am and use it to help let go of the things that keep me in this cycle. I really appreciate all the support and the great ideas.

CityFool - Frank, I mean David, :) thank you. I want to be a great man for my wife and my son, I will try hard to do this well. I do think filters and safety locks are important, I also think I am very good at going around them, but I will look into figuring out if I can add K9 to my work computer. I need to do something different, that's for sure! Thanks.

Maggie - thank you for the congrats and for the words of support. I am trying to see the industry for what it is, and more so, trying to remember to care about that when I do. One of the problems is I'm attracted and tempted by this stuff even though I do see it for the abusive and manipulative stuff it is, and yet I still have the chemical attachment to it. But you are right, perspective matters and seeing P for what it really is and what it really does to me and to so many others is important for me to stay sober. Thank you for your post.

Fighting this addiction is a full-time job, I think it's time I developed a healthy and hearty work-ethic! Thanks again to everyone.

[Bryan]

And we have not had the baby yet. It's our first and we found it is a boy. He's over his due date which was on Sunday, the 22nd. It is very hard to be patient and wait for him to arrive... seems to make things frustrating and unpredictable and more anxiety.

Find it makes it harder on me at work because I have more emotions and less desire to be here, good fuel for my addictive behaviors.

But really, that may be real and difficult, but it does not give me any reason to act out because I always have the choice. Life is unpredictable, and I need to learn how to handle that without turning to P.

So, no baby yet, but still very soon. I'm a mix of excitement and terror, but trying to be patient.