Hey Guys -> My story

[exteberria]

Hey Guys,
I'm 22, and am currently in my fourth year at University. I live with a bunch of students in a flat.
I'm come to this web site, in a much better situation then probably when I was in my teens. I lived in a small country-orientated town, and I didn't have many good times in high school. And watching internet p was a bit of novelty at first for being a teenager, but it soon became something else. This was amongst my considerable struggles with anxiety and self esteem issues. I guess I was probably using it at least 4 times a week, and that carried on until I turned 19, when I moved out of home and into a student flat.

After moving out, I got internet in my room, and quickly was having the same problems, for some reason when I was bored I would go and use p. I'm not a religious person, but I've always felt guilty as hell for looking at p, and I also have two sisters as well. I couldn't justify my usage, and it contributed to some of own psychological health issues, including that fact that I had big problems with confidence around girls, and probably people in general. After only a couple of months living in that flat, I decided to cut my internet, and that really changed everything for me. I could still access what I needed to from my Uni, but obviously didn't have access to the wider web. But, I would still access internet p when I went back to my parents place, via my narrow justifications.

A lot has changed in my life, a lot of very good things, and I can say that I am far away from anxiety and depression issues. I don’t have access to internet in my room now. But, something I realised last year, was that I really do not want p in my life. In terms of me my personality, my beliefs, my direction, I do not want p to get in way of where I am going in life. P isn’t a daily thing in my life, it’s barely a monthly thing, but there is still at least 3 to 4 times a year that I use it, and it usually involves using it at my parents place, something which makes me sick with guilt.
I’ve recently had an urge to get back into p, via ridiculous justifications in my head, and I’ve already used it 4 or 5 times this year, including at my parents place. So I come to this web site to turn my back on it altogether. I know what p is:

it’s a cycle: you use it once -> you want more -> you use it again -> you want more.

I have a lot of problems with what p is, I can’t stand what it does to the women involved in it, and the fact that it always seems to involve women from poor countries. Plus in the past, it’s complicated my relationships.

I realise this post is long, but I just wanted to give an overview of where I am coming from.
My goals are: to get p out of my life, and particularly, do not use it at my parents place. I also what to re-enforce in my mind that p is just a cycle, you can’t JUST you is once. You use it once, you’ll be using it again, and again....

Thanks.

[Ostenn]

Hey man, welcome to the forums.
I'm a new member here, and your age.

P is destructive and highly addictive, and like most addictions, its cyclic and simply insatiable to satisfy.

It sounds like you've made some quality decisions in the last 3 years, and it also sounds like you probably wont have much troubles completely banishing P from your life. 4 or 5 times in this entire year is, in my thought-process, an amazing achievement.
But that's my thought-process.

If I was you, I would remove Pornography completely from your life.
If you don't, that 4-5 times could degrade to 4-5 times a week, easily, in time.

A good philosophy of life is never to walk the same road twice.
It sounds like you have conquered this addiction before.
Do not ever let yourself walk that painful path again.

Addiction is like walking into potholes in a road to a destination greater than yourself. You see the pothole, but you walk into it anyway and fall over. If your fortunate, you'll get up and continue reaching and striving for that destiny. If your unfortunate, your leg will break, and it will take much more effort to reach that destiny.

Don't walk into those potholes, you've done it before.

Peace.

[exteberria]

Thankyou for your post.

Your so right, I want this out of my life. I don't want those visits to my parents house ruined by p. I know what I want in life, and that doesn't involve p.

I have to remind myself that just like eating a Big Mac Meal every day attacks your health, p does exactly the same thing. Pyschologically and physically.
Something I have done before, is write out, that I can control my emotions and my desires, and my chemicals inside me. I can control those chemicals when I feel anger, and from now on, I want to control those chemicals when I want p. Because I know what p is, it's a cycle, use it once, and you'll use it again, and again, again..