Hello TTF

[Ostenn]

Hello guys & girls,
My name is Ostenn, and I have been suffering from P addiction since I was a pre-teenager.
For along time I didnt realise I had a problem, but only in the last 6 months I have discovered that, I, do have a problem.
I'm 22 years old now, but I was once an innocent individual, unaware of the dangers of P, not only on an individual level, but also on a social level.

For me, my journey has spiraled me into sadness (I wont use the term 'depression' mainly because this sadness dissipates after a few days), many times. Spiraled me into a control-less weak individual.
This sadness isn't caused by normal MA and P use, I personally believe that P, with moderation, can be used in a healthy manner.
But like any person addicted to a substance - I abused P.

I abused P so much, that sexual acts I was originally disgusted with - I am now strangely aroused by.
Always seeking the next biggest thrill - I am now a P addict.

But inherently - I know even though I have MA to these disgusting acts. I'm not a disgusting person, nor am I abnormal.

I'm simply a pre-teenage innocent victim to the sess-pit that is the internet. (Im 22 now, but this is retrospective).

For I never saw the backstage of the P productions. The girls abused, taken advantage of, threatened and most likely beaten.
Sexual exploitation is not glamorous, nor was it obvious to me.

I'm not attracted to these disgusting acts naturally, I currently have a girlfriend, and i have had many relationships in my time.
This addiction runs deeper than simple attraction. It is escapism, it was dealing with my parents divorce, it was a time-occupying habitual act.

No longer.

I have been looking for all of you for so long,
Thank you.

Ostenn.

[Mac]

Ostenn. Welcome to the TTF site. You have just taken a big step at giving yourself a chance at regaining control of your life. What you take from this site is totally up to you. The information, guidance and support that you dearly need is all here for the taking. My advice, grab all you can get your hands on.

I enjoyed reading your post and you obviously have some good insite into this nasty business. However I just can't agree with you when you say you beleive that P in moderation can be used in a healthy way.
I think pretty well every PA on this site probably thought the same thing at one point and look at where we all are today. The problem is that the P available today IMO takes away our ability to remain objective and continue to be able to really see and understand what we are seeing, hense being turned on by something that we are disgusted with. There is just so much hidden in what we are watching that we really can't see until we are P free. Then it comes and just blows you away just how much we couldn't see as users.

Again, welcome to the site, you have come to a really good place.

All the best
Mac

[Ostenn]

Thanks for the replies guys, I do appreciate it.

From the perspective of the addict, tasting anything will always bring forth the desire to fall back into habitual ways.
But I imagine there are an abundent amount of men who arent addicted to P, and use it to compliment there sexual lifestyles with SO's.
Eitherway, I cannot use P in moderation, so I guess I'll have to completely rid myself of it.
Its wierd because I simply cannot MA without P. It'll take some time before im able to, i suppose.

Ostenn.

[JenMac]

Hi Ostenn,
Welcome to TTF! I'm glad you found your way here to help you overcome your addiction!
Just a quick comment on part of your post:
You said-

"But I imagine there are an abundent amount of men who arent addicted to P, and use it to compliment there sexual lifestyles with SO's.'
While there may be many men who use P and are not addicted to it (as of yet), I take exception to the use of the word 'compliment' as in complimenting their sexual activities with their SOs. I don't believe there are many SOs, here or otherwise, who would feel that the use of P by their partners 'compliments' anything in relationship to themselves, let alone their s*x lives.
Not meaning to offend, just offering my thoughts from my perspective...
Wishing you all the best as you begin to move away from this all consuming compulsion in your life!
Jenn

[Ostenn]

Hey Jenn,
Sorry, this needs clarification,
"But I imagine there are an abundant amount of men who aren't addicted to P, and use it to compliment there sexual lifestyles with SO's.'

I meant, there are an abundant amount men who have perfectly healthy relationships with there counterparts and occasionally delve into P in their lonesome..

Although I think there would be cases of P 'complimenting' a couples sexual relationship, considering healthy couples, the numbers would be far from abundant.

In a healthy relationship we carry a spiritual bond to our counterpart and sexual intercourse is a spiritual act of interconnection. An affirmation of oneness.
What im trying to say is, in a spiritual relationship, you shouldnt need to compliment your sexuality with your SO, with P.

Hope this clarifies my stance.
I believe P in moderation to the moderate user who is aware of the dangers and has the perceptive awareness to see P for what it is, -- Is OK.
Its not always a spiral into the abyss, many men have self control and don't follow a path of desensitisation.

Unfortunately in todays society, P is available to our most vulnerable people, pre-teens, teens and young adults.
We have been on the front line of this battle ground, we are tech-savvy, we have influential minds and theres honestly not much that can stop a young mind figuring out how to bypass an internet filter..
I grew up with desentisation to P - starting as young as my sex drive started, now i'm afraid because it has become so ingrained in my sexuality.

I'm impotent at times with my girlfriend and suffer from erectile dysfunction, Everything must be right in order for me to orgasm, otherwise, i simply cannot do it. If i need to goto the toliet, pass wind, orgasmed within 5 hours of the sexual intercourse, I simply cannot climax.
I'm 22 years old and I have mild ED.
It brings me to tears.

We are told that masturbating is okay and is healthy, but I was never taught about the dangers of PA, that sex could be addictive and break relationships.
The internet and computers are getting exponentially faster, its really a grave concern.

I've gone on abit of a tangent sorry, but thanks for your encouraging words.
Ostenn.

PS has anyone had any experience with hypnotherapy? I was thinking of taking a couple of sessions to try to break my bad cycles.
Thanks.

[JenMac]

Thank you Ostenn for clarifying!
While reading your post I am overwhelmed with a sadness for where this addiction has left you. It is a glaring example of the sickness of this hidden society! It makes me worry for the future of our young people!
But you are here! You have recognized your addiction and are taking steps to learn to overcome it. It is a difficult road but if you are committed, you can do it! It will take a lot of hard work and perseverance. I commend you for taking the time to make a plan and for joining this site. You will get a lot of support and education from TTF. You will learn as you go and what you believe now, you may not think the same of, a few months down the road. It takes time to clear the brain and to come to understanding what it is that you have in fact been participating in. Educate yourself! Read up on those anti-p sites and realize how your views of women and s*x may have been skewed.
Good luck Ostenn!
Jenn