Finally telling someone

[TheLlama]

Hi, I'm new here.
I have been struggling with PA for years. I'm 29, and have been looking at P since about 11-12 years old. It started with my brother's magazines, when I came back from school each day, then BBS's, then the Internet.

It's been very much a secret thing for me; I've never told anyone how much I look at P (even my wonderful GF, who knows I do it, but doesn't know HOW much). Until now.

I have tried to stop by myself, but like so many others whose stories I have read on this site, I can barely go a couple of days, then I have a big binge, and start over again.

In the last couple of months, I have started to be able to hear my inner voice, which was guiding me to P, as I sit down at my computer; previously it was subconscious. From this, I have been able to start to work out my triggers.

I had a binge today; afterwards, I decided to Google for some advice on how to break it, and I stumbled on this site. I didn't expect to tell people about it today, but I think it's the best thing to happen to me for a long time.

I deleted my stash. All 140GB of it. It was hard, but not as hard as I thought it would be. As a reward, I took myself to the local Thai massage place, had them walk on my back for 1/2 hour. I felt more calm & clear-headed than I have been for a long time.

I hope that by bringing this out into the open, I will be able to break it once and for all.

[StarPuppy]

Welcome to TTF, its glad to see that you have come in and decided you want help instead of walking away :)

Great to see that you took that first step in removing P from your hard drive and coming in here.

May i suggest that you:

1) Start a journal in the Recovery journey section

2) Weigh the pros and cons of quitting P

3) Come back everyday if possible and each time you have a urge, come in here and post all your thoughts..vents your urges away

Good luck o:-)

[TheLlama]

Thanks for the welcome, StarPuppy.
I realise that I have a lot of work to do; I'm not very good at expressing myself; never have been a writer, but I cannot let this stop me from posting in my journal every day. I must do it. This is #1 priority.

[StarPuppy]

I too am never good at expressing myself but in due time you will find out that as more you voice out your thoughts, you become better o:-)

[artguy34]

Welcome to TTF Llama,

May I suggest that you spend some time reading journals from PA's and SO's before you worry about what to write. Learning from others here can help you express what you truly wish to say.

You took a first big step in seeking help for recovery. Now it's time you arm yourself with some valuable insight from others who have been where you are today.

Good Luck in your journey, and if you have any questions, please feel free to ask away. We're all here to heal!

AG