First time posting

[Hopeful]

This is my first post and I must say it isn't easy because I am a very private person and my only confident is my PA. I have looked at alot of sites and have come to respect TTF and their members. I have been married 31 years and this is devastating. In March I finally figured out what was going on. I really had come to believe it was an affair at work because I never knew of or thought of P & MB.
He has always acted disgusted by it in front of me and that "that guy" is a pig. All these years of feeling second best and seeing the anger and hate in his eyes has me wondering how I am ever gonna really trust him.
This is just a short summary of how I am feeling today. All I can think of this morning is how many times I have been told how lucky I am to be married to a man like him. I would sit there and think "if you only knew what he really was like". What a joke, he's the lucky one.
He says he hasn't done any of that since the night I confronted him and I want to believe him so much but there are days that I just don't believe anything he says.
On the upside, we do have more good days than bad, but that's when we don't leave the house and I'm not worrying about everything he's looking at.

[Charly22]

Thank you for sharing your hard story with us. For the longest time, I kept this to myself, didn't talk to anyone about it, and that was very damaging to my soul. That is the worst thing we can do is keep it to ourselves. We need to share and let it out, and just taking that first step of talking about it can bring some long needed clarity.

And thats the beauty of this website, we can let all that out. We can read and review and learn and get insight from others going through the same thing.

Its alot to work through, but glad you have decided to share with us......I hope you continue to do so...

[hopefulwife]

Im glad you decided to share here. TTF has helped me so much. I know what its like to carry around this and not be able to talk about it. Being here has alowed me to talk and deal with all my feelings without feeling as though Im airing my dirty laundry. My husband outside of this problem has always been liked and respected. He never looked at other women while we were out and I never thought I would be here. You are not alone anymore. My you find the support you need here while you are going through this trying time.

I suggest starting a journal. It was a helpful thing for me to be able to tell my story share my feelings hopes and fears.

By the way, I like your name.:)

Peace

[Crisodian]

Hopeful,
A very warm welcome to TTF. As you can already see, our members are helpful and supporting. I, too, would encourage you to start a journal for yourself in the Partner's Forum as a place to call your own.

We're happy you decided to share your story with us here. You will find many of us share a lot in common as the SOs of a PA. You are not alone.

Find a path to peace,
~C~

[Hopeful]

Thank you so much for the support. It really does feel good to let a few things out and have someone else give their insight to it. I have been living with this for so long and really have no one I can discuss it with. I will think about the journal because I have read quite a few of them and they do seem to help the SO's.
I really appreciate your kind words. Just knowing that someone else knows how I feel and took the time to give me advice makes today feel so much better.
Thanks Charly22, hopefulwife & Crisodian. Today has been a big step for me

[maggie]

Welcome Hopeful,

You're right. The unusual nature of pornography addiction, forces both the user and the SO into secrecy and hiding.

The PA doesn't want anyone to know what he is doing for many reasons, but wanting to continue using is definitely at the top of the list.

The SO doesn't want to tell family or friends, because they may judge or label the addict, or question what is wrong with the SO to have allowed something like that to occur in her relationship.

No one wants to own up to this addiction.. it is just too unacceptable for many reasons. I have this fear that if our families found out, the nieces and cousins would be warned to stay away from Uncle X. I know that I'd keep my teenage daughters away from any male relative that was into pornography.

Posting here and being able to talk with so many good people who are struggling with the same problem has saved my sanity.

I didn't understand if your H was using for many years or just started using p recently. You found out in March, but how long was this going on and did you have any suspicions about it?

I had never checked my H's web history or files; I completely trusted him and thought he was good to the core. I am shocked and very sad. He was...was a good man before he got sucked into the void of p.

[Hopeful]

Thank you maggieliz. According to my H, it has been MB for a long time but the P started 3 years ago.....when the kids got him his own laptop.

I have known there was something terribly wrong for many years, tried everything....lost 20 pounds, makeup everyday, new clothes, new perfume....you name it I tried it (I've seen we all have).

When I'd ask him what was wrong or if he still loved me, he acted just like so many other PA's, attacking me for even thinking such a thing and eventually convincing me that I was the one with a problem.

I have always had great gut instincts but for some reason my H could twist it around in my head and leave me feeling guilty for even doubting him.

This last year & a half has been horrible. I was actually preparing for him to come home one day and tell me he had found someone else, then I found the porn on his computer. I know exactlly how you feel about being shocked and sad. I waited a few days to see if it happened again & of course it did.

I confronted him that evening and its been like living in a nightmare ever since. My H was a good man too. No one would ever believe this and I really don't want anyone thinking about him the way I do.

He has been Fred Stoekers books and installed Convenant Eyes but I am still so insecure that I have a hard time with just simple things....checkout lines with magazines, watching tv....(thank goodness for the Turner Classics Movie channel).

I really didn't expect to write this much, and I did it without crying.....Thank you maggieliz and I am so sorry that you and so many other women are feeling the same
pain and hurt.

[JenMac]

HI Hopeful,
I am glad you have found TTF! I find our circumstances somewhat the same in that we have both been married over 30 years. I discovered P on my husband's work computer in March also. My H has told me the timeline of his use of internet P and it was somewhat shortlived but all consuming never the less.
We have found great support here on TTF. We also find it helpful as a stepping stone to discussion from what we read here. We are trying to move ahead with our life together, some days are easier than others. For months I seemed to be paralyzed, seemed unable to do anything but focus on this all consuming mess. I thought we had the perfect marriage, the perfect life. The kids were grown and independent, now was the time for just us to concentrate on ourselves. So the discovery of this blindsided me in a big way!
I am feeling stronger overall the last few weeks. I still have bad times, times when I slide back in my thoughts, times when I question many things, times when I can't seem to move ahead. I can see my H making positive changes, working at understanding and being attentive to my needs, working at creating a better understanding of what this has done to skew his thoughts and feelings. That is what helps to keep me going I think. That and the thought that I don't want to get stuck here being bitter, feeling weak and dependent, feeling needy and vulnerable. That is not how I see myself and that is not where I want to be! I told my H that if I was not enough for him then perhaps he was not enough for me. I did not mean that in a callous way, I meant it for me, I believe it's true. I deserve someone who is committed to me as I am committed to him. That is what I require for myself to feel safe.
Hopeful, I have only skimmed your entries as I have just returned from holiday. I am glad to see you got so many answers from SOs here. So many wise people to share experiences with. We can learn so much from each other. Such a wonderful discovery, I felt, when I found TTF because I couldn't share this with close friends and family. This is a place to get my feelings out and to have the support of people in similar situations. I hope you find comfort here!
Thinking of you...
Jenn

[Hopeful]

Hi Jenn,

You have put into words so many things I've been feeling and your H seems to be reacting in the same manner as mine. This is one reason I am hopeful that my marriage will get better, and it has actually but there is always that doubt.

I realize it takes alot to trust again and some days are really a struggle....but reading everyones battle with this makes me feel normal and hopeful.

I sympathize with you and am sorry you are going through this. I would have never expected this after 30 years.

I know what you mean about being bitter. I think that is why I decided to finally join TTF. It has only been 2 days since I posted and I can't believe how all of your concerns and kindness have made me feel. This has been so nice for me. I almost felt a little normal today.

I hope you had a great Holiday.