First Post Here

[onefunkmonk]

I have been going through a really rough month and a half now. I left my SO for another girl to satisfy my lust and then 2 weeks later I realized what a mistake I had made and begged her to take me back. This was in late June so it has a been a while since.

I went off P and MB for close to 2 weeks and then went on a binge for a week or so. I have been off of it for 42 hours now and one of the main reasons I am writing here is to not go back. I have yet to understand how to not MB at all. The urge is there and it almost hurts not to. Since my SO knew what I was going through she helped me MB once and it was a welcome thing, although an exception since we haven't seen each other since. What I mean is that it was through skype since I am 2500 miles away from her now. I am 21 and I have huge hormonal drives and since I am not with anyone it makes it that much more difficult to keep things in check.

Assuming we get back together and keeping in mind this is a long distance relationship for the time being, is it ok to use skype for us to satisfy our urges? Maybe after a certain point it gets easier to not think so much about this, but I have such a strong drive now I can barely hold back. I ask mainly if that is a healthy sexual thing to do. She is a bit of a PA herself so I think we are going to try to get through this together.

[Benedict]

Absolutely fine IMO. Phone sex or skype sex with your SO is part of your sexual relationship. I see zero problem with it. But it depends on your goals re PA. Some here aim to drop MB as well as PA, others not. In my case, my SO is quite happy for me to MB with her, and we see it as part of our sexual relationship. completely different to zoning out alone on P. Best wishes and good luck, Benedict.

[FoolishMind]

I concurr with Benedict, so nothing to add there, other than welcome to TTF.

What I really want to say is I ABSOLUTELY LOVE YOU NICKNAME!

ONEFUNKMONK! LOVE IT! make sure you find a good avatar to go with it.

FM

[OpenEyes]

Hi OneFunkMonk,

I am a PA and have been figthing this demon for 3 months now. So I can feel your pain in many aspects of this.

I, too, had a long distance relationship with my SO and can identify with that as well.

Some things that are different are that my SO does not indulge in P at all, and my stopping P was due to her "catching me" and my lying about it, and the pain it caused. Since your SO is a partner in this, at least in part, you have a very different dynamic involved that I can only speculate on.

Is it okay to M with your SO on the other end of the phone (or Skype)? To me, this is a no for a few reasons. Most PAs are very visual, so when you are listening to her, are you seeing her? Or are you visualizing her? Are you imagining her doing things you have seen in P? This is objectifying her, even if it is her voice and in the end further isolates you from her emotionally, IMO. If you are using a webcam to see each other, focusing on only her, and she you, and you are BOTH into this, it is still risky, IMO, but is okay.

You are on this site due to P being a problem. You really need to identify WHY it is a problem, what you hope to get out of quitting and what it is in you that you dislike, how P may have affected that and how getting rid of P may help rebuild yourself in that area.

Is your SO going to join this site and is she thinking that P is a problem as well? Does she see it distorting her views and making her emotions harder to access? It would be great to have you both on this site and giving your shared stories. This would also be another way to connect in a healthy manner with input from others going through this PA. Something to think about.

As for your s¤# drive, at your age, yep it is high, even deminished as it probably is with P, and no, if you get rid of P and M, it will probably result in night emmissions, which to some are not right and a sign of a problem, when it means that you are actually healthy. Focusing on healthy, physical ativities may really help relieve some of this "need" and help you mentally, physically and emotionally if you can think about your problems, growth as you work out or do yard work, ect. The same activities may also help your SO.

I also want to welcome you to TTF and hope you find the support, information and ability to share your problems here.

Stay Strong, know you are not alone.

[Daniel]

is it ok to use skype for us to satisfy our urges? ... I have such a strong drive now I can barely hold back.

onefunkmonk,

I would like to add a point to consider: is your sex drive high because it is high or we PAs made it high through indulging in P, thoughts, actions, etc.?

[Note Point #2 HERE]

One of the bigger tasks in recovery is trying to slow down the Big Giant Machine that our sex drive has become, due to all the fuel we've added to the thing.

Certainly there are variations in people's sex drive etc. But "having a high sex drive" is a well-known element of the PA, thus I caution you on taking the high sex drive as a brute given and building your activity around it.

One path to consider would be how to begin to bring your sex drive/sexual activity back to something like normal. The "normal" of right now is probably not really normal, afterall, we are here having this conversation(!).

In other words, to continue to feed the urges may not be the best course. Self-control is a hard but necessary thing to learn.

You need to proceed in this situation the best way you know how. I offer these points only for your information, to give you the best chance of long-term success.

Daniel