Just beginning....

[alone1]

Today is my first day here. I have been married to a man for 4 years that is kind, generous, thoughtful and I love him sincerely. We married when he was in his late 40's, and had never been married before. I have been, and have one grown child.

I found it odd that as warm, personable and loveable as he is, that he'd never been married or had any long-term relationship. At my age (50's) I was thankful to find such a good man.

He spent 12 years as a serious drug/alcohol addict. He has been recovered/not using for 12 years now...so I also assumed addiction was not a part of his life anymore.

I've been feeling really lonely for the last couple years. I understoond that adjustment to a marriage/sexual/intimate relationship would take time..so I've been nothing but patient. Right from the start he could not become aroused without P, and could not finish without M. He acknowledged that he'd been doing that a long time....decades. I stupidly thought he would "adjust" to having a real person to relate to.

Two weeks ago, it came up in our counseling session...and now I feel my world has spiraled out of control. He became highly defensive, hostile, accusing of me, trying to deflect the entire conversation back to my faults. All the symptoms: selfishness, objectifying sex, withdrawal, moodiness....it's all there.

He's so volatile our counselor was even afraid to step very far into this. She recommended a book for us to read together, to begin a conversation.

Today I feel so sad, so lonely, so alone. I know I have to get help for me...I'm on the brink of tears every five minutes.

Why is it we, in our idealism, cannot see the signs when they are blaring right in front of us? It NEVER occured to me there was even such a thing as p/m addiction. My greatest fear is of course, that this addiction he will choose over me. It's SO much easier than doing the hard work of intimacy.

Sadder, and wiser.

[Charly22]

first off, he may try to blame you and deflect and all the typical stuff. But it is not your fault, this is a problem he has had long before you came along. I know it hurts to hear the one you love be so defensive and try to point a finger and deflect. I am sorry that you have to experience that.

I can relate with EVERYTHING you've written...sit and shake my head and say Ummm hmmm......

But it is not your fault. He is addicted to p/mb. It certainly appears that way. This is a tough issue to conquer, face, deal with. Super hard on you for sure.

I am glad you are here. Please don't keep how this makes you feel inside, please don't think it's got anything to do with you and your ability to satisfy him. This is something only he can address.

I hope you keep coming here....writing your feelings out....learning.....maybe write him a letter...this is a suggestion that everyone here will agree, write a letter if you need to. But please don't let anger and bitterness rule...it makes it worse.

Don't forget about what is good for you, in the fight to try to show him what is good for him.

Has he agreed to read the book?

[alone1]

thank you for your warm welcome...it really does help. Yes, I've come to know this intense agitation/defensiveness/hostility pattern. I have much to learn. But what I know right now is that I need to figure out what I need to do for me. He has agreed to read the book, and I left it up to him to order it today. We'll see. Everything I've read here: the social isolation, the secrecy, all of it makes me want to throw up.

At this juncture I'm not entirely optimistic about his willingness to do the work. So my main question to myself is: "am I willing to accept a totally non-intimate relationship to stay married"

What a horrible question.....:((

[JenMac]

Hi Alone,
You have found a good place to be at this time in your life. I discovered this site when my world came apart about 3 months ago.
It took my H some time before he admitted that he had a problem too. In the beginning I don't think they can admit to/can recognize the seriousness of their problem. To admit that, particularly to us, can open up so many things that they are not ready for. It takes some time for admissions to be made, for understanding of his dependence on this to come to his awareness. I have heard some PAs on here describe it as being in a fog.
In the very beginning I searched out support and information sites on the internet and came across a site called Healthysex.com. This site was very helpful to both my H and myself in helping us to recognize the huge problem that P addiction has become. My H at first resisted the idea of listening to interviews from this site but once he did, I think it made him recognize his problem to some extent and it definitely made him (and me) feel less alone in all of this. It was from the discovery of that initial site that we were able to move on to other places and then made the discovery of this site. This site has been very helpful and informative to both of us.
For myself, I made a decision not to make any hasty decisions in this. I know that I could not stay with my H if he were to continue with what he was doing. He knew that from the beginning. But I have chosen to make no decision at this time. I have to take time to heal myself before I can even think about that. I have to see how we move ahead as a couple.
The first weeks of discovery are dreadful as you know. Just taking care of your basic needs is difficult. So just take care of yourself. Just do the things you need to do for your healing. Warm baths, sitting in the sun, taking a walk etc. Be kind to you! You need it!
Jenn

[alone1]

Thank you sincerely for your oh-so-helpful and kind reply Jenn. Yes, this beginning part is just horrible. It really does help to have some support here, and I so appreciate hearing about the sites/books/articles or other things that have been helpful to others. I think you identified a number of important things. I too..have to resist trying to "do something" about this...but learn and grow myself, and at the same time encourage and insist that he stay with at least the investigative process. He is very slow to process any kind of change, but has surprised me on a number of occasions that given some time to ponder, he gets some great insights into himself. Im hoping every second this may happen here for us.

He's gone silent the last couple days...but I know I'll need to try to keep our communication open about next steps...so he doesn't just retreat into himself which is his pattern.

Thank you once again...so many kind, wise people here!>:D<

[OpenEyes]

Hi Alone1,
I am a PA, please do not let that scare you off. I have been on this site for a couple of months now, and have found it invaluable. I did not realize I am a PA untill I took the questionaires here on this site and another. I, out of my defensiveness to my wife and in defending my PA, took the questionaires to prove her wrong. She did something very smart, told me to keep my answers to myself. She just asked me to be truthful. It was then I finally new I hwas a PA, and had a real problem. Until then, I thought I was pretty normal, and our problems were her problems, not of my making. I turned everything around on her. I see your H is doing things similar to what I did.

So, here is my suggestion, and please do take it as only a suggestion: If he refuses to look directly at this site, do a copy past and copy the surveys, the questionaires and email them to him. Ask him to look them over, answer them truthfully to himself, and IF he thinks he MAY have a problem, then you two both join this site. Let him know there are others here that he may get help from.

I really hope this works out for you. If he does admit it, you two can start on a road to rcovery, but be warned, it is a very rough road at the beginning, but a great trip and destination!

Remember you do have friends here and support from the SO's and some of us, PA's too, if you need it.

[alone1]

Dear OpenEyes;

thank you for your extremely helpful suggestion. You are so correct...this mechanism of intense defensiveness and turning everything around to be my fault...is surely entrenched.

I loved your idea of emailing him the questionnaires and telling him to answer honestly, and that he didn't have to share it with me. That may be a way in. This is so very helpful...thank you a million times!

Alone

[alone1]

I cannot seem to find these questionnaires...or the things you mentioned...can you tell me where they are?

Thank you again!

[OpenEyes]

Hi Alone1,

Here is the link to the second one I took,

The online support community for pornography addiction

I will get the other one, too. But this one is the icing on the cake, the first one is the eye opener (hmmmm could there be a relation to the name, hmmmmm)

[OpenEyes]

Okay this is the EYE OPENER, just five questions:

Some signs of porn addiction can include:

• An inability to stop the behavior (s) and porn use despite previous attempts to do so
• Anger or irritablity if asked to stop
• Hiding or attempting to keep secret all or a part of the porn use
• Continuing the behavior despite obvious consequences – like a relationship or job loss
• Getting lost in the problem porn use - i.e. Spending more time than intended, losing time

This is from Sexual Recovery Institute :: Sexual Addiction Treatment Programs for Individuals and Couples under the porn addiciton tab.

Also, I took this one too, and it sealed the deal:

Breaking Pornography Addiction

I hope these help you!