It's Never Too Late

[marshman]

Hi. I am a porn addict. Porn always has been a major part of my life. I am 54 years old and started using porn when I was 16. I am a member of a dysfunctional family. My mother had a bipolar mood disorder (she died in 1995) and I am diagnosed as having a variation of bipolar called cyclothymic disorder. My parents divorced when I was 11 or 12 years old and we (I have a brother and sister) had an abusive stepfather. My father is also mentally ill (disassociative disorder). My father remarried and I also have a half-brother and a half-sister. I no longer see my family for a variety of reasons which would take to long to explain. I have been married for 24 years. My wife knows I use porn. She understands why I use it and tolerates it but I am now having problems functioning sexually. I have hit rock bottom. I get sick when I think about my life and the time I have wasted using porn. Porn is a drug. I need to stop. I can't do it myself.

[Desert Ghost]

Hi. I am a porn addict. Porn always has been a major part of my life. I am 54 years old and started using porn when I was 16. I am a member of a dysfunctional family. My mother had a bipolar mood disorder (she died in 1995) and I am diagnosed as having a variation of bipolar called cyclothymic disorder. My parents divorced when I was 11 or 12 years old and we (I have a brother and sister) had an abusive stepfather. My father is also mentally ill (disassociative disorder). My father remarried and I also have a half-brother and a half-sister. I no longer see my family for a variety of reasons which would take to long to explain. I have been married for 24 years. My wife knows I use porn. She understands why I use it and tolerates it but I am now having problems functioning sexually. I have hit rock bottom. I get sick when I think about my life and the time I have wasted using porn. Porn is a drug. I need to stop. I can't do it myself.

I am a PA who is 53 years old and I understand dysfunctional family life myself. let me start off by saying that you have made the right first step in admitting that your life is out of control and that you need help because you can not do this alone.

You should find some professional help as well as being here, also find a local Sex Addict Anonymous group (twelve step program). An if you are already following a spiritual pathway work to strength it. An keep come back here because you with find that members are willing to share their experiences and advice. It would be of benefit to you to start to read the recovery journals of the PAs and your wife can start her own journal in the SO section. She will need support as well as you do.

[marshman]

Thank you for your reply. I am sitting here really tempted to look at porn. This is one of the rare mornings when I am able to recognize that I have a choice. Most of the time I feel like my mind blocks out all other options. How long have you been sober?
Many years ago I went 37 days without using porn. Now if I go 5-7 days without porn it seems like a lifetime. I am so terrified when I think about not having porn in my life. I can't picture my life without it. I call my self a christian but I don't feel like one. Do any senior members on this site offer to be mentors or accountability partners to other members?

[QueenofHearts]

Hi Marshman,

If you follow this link:

Finding a sponsor/sponsee

It contains a list of sponsors and sponsees on TTF.

Maybe it would be a good idea to install K9 on your computer in case you find the urge to look at P. Also, what hobbies or interests do you have that you could busy yourself with?

Hang in there, it's a tough battle but not an unbeatable one. :)

[marshman]

Hi Marshman,

If you follow this link:

Finding a sponsor/sponsee

It contains a list of sponsors and sponsees on TTF.

Maybe it would be a good idea to install K9 on your computer in case you find the urge to look at P. Also, what hobbies or interests do you have that you could busy yourself with?

Hang in there, it's a tough battle but not an unbeatable one. :)

I am going to sign up for a sponsor. I tried the K-9 web filter and it was helpful. I was still able to access some porn. I like to play sudoku and listen to music. When I find a sponsor, I am going to install accountability software and have a report of my web activity sent to my sponsor's e-mail address. Thank you for your support.

[Charly22]

"She understands why I use it and tolerates it"

It sounds like your wife is a pretty understanding and open minded person...and I was just wondering what if your wife could be that accountability partner?

[Rowlf]

and I was just wondering what if your wife could be that accountability partner?

That's not a bad idea!

My partner is great a picking up when my mood shifts and asking me about it before it gets too bad.

I would say from my experience that it would be good to have someone else outside the relationship as well....

2 heads definitely better than one!

If we could have beaten this thing alone, we would have done. Admiting that we can't and asking for the support we need is a major change that frees us from our own prison.

Have a clean day today.