First time posting

[Brewer]

Hello everyone and thanks to the admins / site creators for doing this helpful web site. I'm a long time PA. It kind of sucks cause I really never knew how bad I was until I got married. I've been viewing porn since I was in my mid teens. It got worse when the internet started and I've been hooked since. I would view porn mostly when I was feeling lonely and depressed. It was always a good thing to take my mind off of daily stresses. After time I bought a web cam and started to use that more - it got to the point where I would look forward to it when I got home. Then it all came crashing down on me - I stopped doing web cam thankfully 3 weeks before I got married and quit looking at porn about 5 days after. Unfortunately in my family anxiety and a mild case of OCD runs through our genes. Literally I woke up one night freaking out thinking - what if someone recorded me on web cam? How could I do this to my new wife, who I love very dearly? Like I said I never knew how deep I was in it until that revelation! I have never cheated - never met up with or asked for face to face meets with any of these girls I cammed with. It was all for the sake of satisfying myself. I'm not a bad person and never been in trouble. I never turned down my then fiancée and our love has always been great. But I've been doing this way before I met here and I tried to stop many times but always sunk back. I still have these mini freak outs about being recorded but have not seen anything in the 5+ years I was doing it. I hope it never happens as I and my family would be devastated. Ok so that's my story up to now, sorry if it was long. To this date it's been 2 + weeks since I viewed porn and the web camming is history. I haven't told my wife as I want to go about this on my own for now...

Thanks.

Brewer

[QueenofHearts]

Brewer,

Welcome to TTF, you will really find this forum and website incredibly useful for your recovery.

You aren't a bad person because of this situation, however you need to understand that you haven't been completely honest with your wife about what you have really been up to, or what you were doing behind the scenes. From an SO point of view, honesty is key in a relationship. If I know I've been lied to or had things hidden from me purposefully, it really deteriorates my feelings for them and makes it virtually impossible for me to remain with a non trustworthy person.

You are on the path of change, which is great....and you have acknowledged that P has been, and is a problem in your life. Now you need to delve deep and evaluate why you needed P in the first place. Most often than not, P was used as a coping mechanism, or an outlet to avoid different life situations or feelings.

It might be a good idea to install K9 or another internet filtering program which would help deter you from viewing P on the internet. I do suggest that you let your wife in on your struggle, chances are she will find out anyway, and to move forward and work on yourself...coming clean and being honest is the first step.

Congrats on being 2+ weeks P free, you are already on the right track...it's time to do a bit of soul searching. If you are looking for a sponsor there are many people on here that would love to help, including myself. Keep up the progress!

Peace.

[65Ford]

Brewer - Anxiety. You hit it on the head there. You know, I actually used to think, God forbid I get killed on the way home from work in a car accident or something, and when going through my belongings she finds my "stash." Throwing that stash in the Dumpster took care of that. It's only one worry abated, but it's a start. I hope we can both find answers!

[Brewer]

4 + weeks now and not even an urge to look at P! And I must addmit alot has been accomplished around the house too...:D

[Rowlf]

Hi Brewer,

Sound's like you're going great guns there! Well done!

One thing to think of now, with your successes mounting up, is how you are going to do things differently next time stress and anxiety mount up in life....

I'm in a similar situation, in that I've been with my partner for just 18 months having had a long term p habit. Fortunately I stopped before I met her, but I also know that the temptation to go back to that method of 'stress control' - of numbing out and basically giving into despair, is still in my system.

If you have a read of the journals around the site, you can see a lot of us working with this situation.

It's worth putting some really good structures in place to cement the change you're making. I've got people that know about this and that I phone if I need help. What do you need to do?

Have a great day today!