I'm on strike two

[65Ford]

First, a big thank you to all. While awaiting my membership approval, I've been reading through post after post, with the incredibly reassuring realization that at last, I am not alone. This seemingly simple notion has given me more hope than I've had in some time.

That said, here's my story. I know there are commonalities in fact and theme with pretty much everyone's story here, but it is my hope that by actually stating mine, my recovery can truly begin.

I'm 40. Married to a beautiful woman. Two wonderful little children.

I was "caught" about three years ago. Why my wife didn't throw me out, I have no idea. It was a dark day indeed. Yet strangely not unexpected. I somehow knew I would slip up eventually, and had gotten to the point whenever she got on the computer, I would worry she would uncover something. Finally, she did. After that I was able to quit for a while, and while there were occasional moments of tenseness between us, we were basically so busy the matter dropped.

And I started again. Got better at hiding it. I got rid of a lot of my "stash", but not all. And inevitably, I got caught again last week. Strike two. I'm under no disillusion that this time she means it. Once more, and life as I know it is over and done. Only this time I realize I can't do it alone, and that's why I'm here, and grateful to be so.

The very next day (after a rough night), the stash was boxed up and tossed in the Dumpster. It's a start. This is Day 5 P free. Getting rid of the stash will help, but having relapsed before, I know this isn't going to be easy. So I thank you all in advance for your encouragement and support, and I hope that I can reciprocate in some way! I do plan on starting a journal as well, where I'm sure more of my struggles will emerge.

[Brewer]

I'm new to this site and understand what you must be going through. Hold to it and you will recover in time.

Brewer

Time heals all wounds...

[QueenofHearts]

You've come to the right place, there is a wealth of support and reading material for you to start your process of recovery.

You have to be sure that this is really what you want, and that you are 100% into saving your marriage and family.

It could also be a good idea for your wife (SO) to be a part of this site too. As an SO myself, it has really helped me reading other people's stories, and knowing that my pain is not unlike many others.

Starting a journal is a good idea, it gets your thoughts and feelings out in front of you, and it also gives us a way to support you and give you encouragement.

You are doing the right thing, and if you put all your energy into your recovery and finding out why you looked to P...many things will be uncovered. A lot of people on here used P as a crutch or form of dealing with underlying issues. All I can suggest is communicate with your wife, make her aware of your progress...and focus on looking deep into yourself.

Best wishes.

[65Ford]

Thanks, Queenofhearts. Asking my wife to join in is a possibility. I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that just yet. I think I need to give her a better answer first than "I don't know" to form a catalyst for a conversation.

That said, I have attempted to reassure her that this isn't her fault, that she didn't drive me to it. I'm not sure she believes it yet.

[QueenofHearts]

Well the fact that YOU are here, that is a first step.

Many PA's on this site have answers to "why" and many don't. Finding that answer can be difficult....I still don't have any answers from KOH as to "why" he engaged in P.

You will find reading PA journals that many of them sought additional help elsewhere in various forms ie: therapy, SA meetings, etc. I'm not sure of the depth of your PA or how bad it really is, only you have those answers but it might be worth looking into couples counselling or individual counselling to look inside yourself and do some work.

Your SO will be hurt for a long time, it won't be easy. You will have days where you feel so happy and free from P, but your SO is really down and angry because of what's happened. Just be strong and give her the best support you can.

Another thing you will read on PA journals is what triggers your desire to watch P. They vary from person to person, but knowing your triggers can also assist your recovery process by avoid them or taking control over the triggers.

Turn this into a new day, a new life, and a new you. Not hiding behind your secrets and habits will enhance your life and your self esteem.

I'm glad that you made it here. :)

[Life-lies-trust]

65Ford,
As an SO I will tell you that it will take a lot of time for your wife to get past the idea of she did something to drive you to it or the idea that all men do P. Depending on her outlook will depend on how she handles this. The first thing I will tell you STOP the lies. Only tell her the truth and if you are not sure what it is tell her that you are not sure what the truth is.

Then find at least one real person that you can talk to and contact when you are having problems. This can help you keep grounded. As you will discover in the journals of the PA those who have someone that they can talk to seem to have few relapses.

Take care of your self and show your wife that she is beautiful and you love her.