Just another struggling PA

[spartacusrex]

Hello all.

I'm new here to TTF.

I've been struggling with PA for about 3 years now. My story is pretty typical. I started looking at P every once in a while, and pretty soon started doing it every day or even two or three times a day. At first I felt disgusted looking at it, but I quickly got over that. What I didn't get over was the feeling afterwards. I feel dirty and gross.

I realize I've gotten into a cycle. I look at P, then I say afterward I won't ever do it again. The next day, if I'm not strong, I'll give in and do it again. I might last a few days. I've even lasted a week before. But then I always end up doing it again. And MB always takes me back to P. On one of those "clean" stretches, I'll MB without P, and it doesn't make me feel that good. So pretty soon I'm back to P so that I can feel the same high.

I'm tired of the cycle. I want to be clean, for good. I want to forget the images in my head. I want to be able to have a GF without feeling guilty. I don't want to hide anything anymore.

That's why I signed up here. I need somewhere to talk to others, somewhere to go when I feel like giving in. And someone to yell at me if I give in :(

I'm going to start a journal, where I can talk about my daily struggles. I'll post back to this thread when I've got it going.

Thank you all for your support and encouragement.

[spartacusrex]

I forgot to mention one other thing. I seem to have a problem thinking that I can "wean" myself off of P. I think, maybe if I just watch it less and less frequently, I'll be able to stop eventually. But I know for a fact that that never works. I just end up doing it every day again.

This time its cold turkey for me. I'm not going to try weaning myself off it. I've got to give it up for good.

No more P!

[spartacusrex]

OK, I've got a recovery journal started. I'm really beginning to feel much better. I feel like I am finally going to be free of this addiction. :)

Climbing the mountain - my journal

[Alika]

Welcome aboard.

OpenEyes, my husband, joined TTF a while ago, and so did I. It is invaluable to both of us, and I hope you will benefit from it as much as he is, as we both are.

There is an abundance of helpful and enlightening information on this site, especially I'd suggest you start reading the other PA recovery journals to get an impression of what works and just as important: what doesn't work. Don't hesitate to ask any and all questions, and especially when you're down or facing urges, I would suggest logging onto TTF and ask for support and advise.

Best of luck in your battle against P.

- Alika