My first post

[KingofHearts]

This is strange; since a week ago when my girlfriend QueenofHearts forced me to face up to this terrible problem, and since then linked me to this site, I've been desperate to get on here and take a proactive approach to dealing with it. I need to make this right. It's been several hard days waiting to get on here, and now I am, I'm actually finding it hard to know where to begin. Well, I'm just going to start talking and see where this goes...

I'm a PA. Before last week, I'd never admitted to myself that I even had a problem. My incredibly insightful SO figured it out though, and she was devastated.

We don't live together. On the contrary, we live thousands of miles apart, and yet she's waited for me to find a way to be there. She's done so much for me over the time we've been together. Certainly more than I deserve. Now she wonders why she should continue to wait for me, and I don't feel I have the right to tell her she should. All she has ever offered me is love, and all I have done is hurt and betrayed her.

My entire outlook on P has changed since last week. I know that it is the common attitude that it isn't harmful. Now I know it is. It's terrible and destructive. I may have never touched another woman, but in my mind, I have been unfaithful. I have betrayed her, so many times. I just wish I'd realised sooner what a disgusting and heinous betrayal it was. My SO says she wishes that she'd known what I was like before we got together so she could've walked away right then and never been hurt. I know it's selfish of me to think this, but I just wish I'd been a better person from the start so I would have never hurt her.

I can't bear the thought of losing her. The idea of living out my life without her fills me with abject dread. On the night she discovered what I was doing, I honestly, genuinely felt like I wanted to die. I felt like she would be better off without me making her life worse, especially considering all the other stress she has on her plate right now, and I would be out of the picture...

I can't go back to being that person. The person who would deceive her and deceive myself. I need to be the person she needs me to be, the person she deserves. Perhaps the hardest thing about all this for me is that although I genuinely feel that she is the most beautiful person I have ever known, and that none of these... people involved in P could ever match up to her, there is no way she can believe that. Logically, I can't refute what she is saying. She should have been enough. I should never have had eyes for anyone else. So now all I've done is re-enforced her low opinion of herself, borne out through my actions and the actions of every other guy who has hurt her the same way in the past.

I'm sure there are a million and one other things I want to say. I imagine I'll need to use TTF a lot over the coming months. I can not fail in becoming the person I need to be. I can not betray her again.

Never again.

[FoolishMind]

Dearest KingofHearts,

Firstly I applaude your openess in your first post on TTF. I also applaude your persistence and patience in waiting until your TTF account was authorised, many would have given up straight away. Great things are worth waiting for!

As you would have seen over the few days you have been perusing through the site, you are not alone, and your story wont be that much different from many on here, including myself.

We can and ponder for so long on the "what ifs" the "if only's" but as we all know, it will not change the "now".

You have made a huge positive step by simply acknowledging you are a PA. So thats step 1 done and dusted, we have acknowledged there is a problem. Next step, Lets find a solution!

Each and every member here who is actively taking control of their lives has differing tactics and strategies that work for them, but many of us over the years have agreed on some core values, and key methods to make immediate impact on yourself and in turn your relationship.

First and foremost, let your partner know, this is your problem, and in no way shape or form is it her fault. You will solve this problem primarily for you...for you to the be the man that you want to be. With that, you will have solve the one gripe that your partner has with you, and she will love you ten times more. Easier said than done I know, but It can be done, and many have.

Start a journal, really open up, and try to comment and work things out, why are you the way you are, why do you think the way you do, what strategies have you read on this site that you will be implementing. This journal is for you, not for anyone else, if others want to comment great, but you need to keep reading it back, as if you follow this through, reading back on your opening entries will really allow you to see the progress you are making.

Last but not least, Be true to yourself. The moment you make excuses, or you cannot be honest with yourself, will be the day you fall. Dont let that happen, and again, I would encourage you to rummage through the forums for a plethora of knowledge that you can use to make sure you make this journey as easy as possible.

Your partner will have a seperate journey herself, one in which she will need to fully understand and research into PA, as she has her own healing to do. But mark my words, do this right, and you will turn this very negative patch into a very rewarding one.

Be excited about it, your about to re shape your life and be the man and partner that you want to be!

I look forward to following your journey.

FM

[Desert Ghost]

greetings KingofHearts, welcome to TTF and as FoolishMind has said that there is a wealth of information here. I am a PA and have found that it is also helpful to seek out professional help (Therapist, etc.) and to get into a Twelve Step Program (SAA or SLAA). An to strengthen you spiritual self as well.

An yes you have made a good first step acknowledging that you are a PA. An open HONEST communication with your SO is a must. You will find that some members here say that you shouldn't say anything to you SO. While that is lying via omission and it is lying that put most of us here is the first place. An if you look at the SO journals, they all generally complain that they are tired of our lies.

[QueenofHearts]

I want you to be the person I thought you were.

I want you to have a healthy sxuality.

I want to have an unshakeable trust in you.

I want to know every part of your personality, and not fear it.

I want control over my life back.

I want you to have control over your life.

I want to experience love without feeling this way.

[KingofHearts]

I want all of those things too, my love. I know we can have them. I have no doubt in my mind. Some might be harder than others. Restoring your trust in me could well be my life's work, but you need it, and I need you to have it. I won't give in, and I won't let you down.