My shame

[Just Me]

Hello.

I admitted to myself about a month ago. I swore it off, deleted every link, deleted every file.

A week later I had a larger folder with porn than the one I had just deleted. A week after that, I deleted everything again. I lasted a little longer before the urge hit. This time I told myself I'd only view specific porn girls. Needless to say, that lasted all of a couple of days.

This past Sunday, I couldn't sleep. I stayed awake staring at my wife while she slept. Hating myself because we had just come back from vacation, and all I wanted to do while we were away is come back to my computer and watch porn.

... Yesterday, I deleted everything again. I'm going to make it longer than a week this time. I'm closing in on 17 years of marriage, I'm not going to throw it away. Not because of porn.

It is going to be hard - real hard, especially because my wife works nights and I have a sleeping disorder and refuse to take medication because I have a child I need to be there for.

I'll make it.

Just Me.

[dave]

Welcome to this site - your story sounds alot like mine - only I am a few decades on in this addiction - I admire your honesty and attempt at willpower. In my case I needed to get some solid help.

First I confided in a close trusted friend, then I started attendin SAA. From there I found a great counsellor. Now after over 2 years my life and marriage are so much better. I suffered a tough withdrawl but with the supports I used, I made it through to a life that is so much more free - so much better.

You can do it !

Dave

[Benedict]

Just Me, welcome. You have come to the right place. Lots of resources, ideas, and support. See the various stickies and docs on this site for some suggestions for getting started. Getting rid of the stash is an important first step and you have done that. But you know how easy it is to create a new one. So its really important to have a plan and a set of strategies for when those urges hit. Some of the journals have examples of plans and strategies - you could look at mine for example.

Its also important to really think through the problems P is causing you and the benefits for YOU of quitting. Really motivate yourself to quit for you. And then identify the triggers that lead you to p and write down and implement strategies for responding differently to them. Identifying where and when the urges are strongest is very helpful - these are the areas to address as a priority with the strategies. eg. Figure out things you can do while you are awake at night that don't involve a computer.

And starting a journal here really helps. If nothing else, knowing that you will have to confess here if you slip is a great motivator. and there is no point in having the journal if you are not honest in it.


Good luck.

[Charly22]

As a SO, it was very painful to read those short few words you have just written. Specifically - "Hating myself because we had just come back from vacation, and all I wanted to do while we were away is come back to my computer and watch porn". But very promising that you were able to recognize the problem with that. I've spent too many years witnessing this same thing unfold with my husband. It is heartbreaking, knowing that in thier mind they long to be "somewhere" else. Yet struggling with the fact that it is not even a real person, yet has to feel the same, as if there were a physical affair going on. It feels the same, if not worse.

Is your wife aware of what this has become? I can tell you truly love her.....

My advice.....a filter on the computer..... K9 is a good one, you can download it for free. And if you are open with your wife about this situation, she could set the password for you. I believe this will be your first tool needed........the filter, it is extremely important in my opinion.

I commend you for finding this website, for the ability to recognize what is going, and for putting love first, above all else!

[Just Me]

5 days strong.

Yesterday I almost broke down but was able to push through.

Basically, I am just limiting my possibilities for exposure... I make sure to go to bed before my wife heads to work, so there is less temptation. I also just make sure my computers are all off.

So far what I am doing works for me.

I appreciate the support.

[Life-lies-trust]

You could also have your wife take the power cord for the computers until you feel better about your sobriety. Just an idea.

[Desert Ghost]

Greetings, Just Me here is another suggestion is with the help of you wife install K-9 blocking software on your computer and she is the only one with the password for the program.

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

JustMe-

Have you considered being honest with your wife and then getting counselling and attending a support group? Also, unless you need the internet for work, which I would argue that you probably don't need it at night, do you have to have a computer?

I know this is a short and rather simplistic reply to your initial post. But, the short and simplistic answer is that when you are ready to give up P, you will. And when you are ready to give up P, you will do everything in your power to give it up. Until then, I am sure that you will try and fail and try again and wonder why it doesn't work. It won't work until you decide to quit. Its that simple and that hard.

Please consider that although telling your wife is difficult and risky, its far riskier to let her stumble across your habit and get her heart broken. Either way, she will know at some point. So, take the path of honesty, or just keep lying and hope she keeps trusting you. The hardest thing about telling your wife is that then you really have to decide to give it up for good, or go back to it and know that you would rather break your wife's heart than give up P.

I wish you well in your journey and hope that you do give up P for good for your own sake first, and for the sake of your marriage. My husband gave it up, but only after he hit rock bottom. Take other people's examples here, it doesn't have to happen to you.

[Just Me]

All -

Thanks for the support. Seven days strong... too soon to feel real good about myself, but the journey of one thousand miles begins with a single step.

To answer some questions asked -

1) I do need internet for work. I am a network engineer, on-call 24/7 for the most part.

2) Wife does not know.

3) I have gone to counselling. Porn addiction is related to another issue (or three), that is beyond the scope of this forum.

I have a question, though. During this "cold turkey" phase, has anyone experienced a loss of sexual desire? It almost feels like I flicked an on/off switch when I gave up the pornography...

[Desert Ghost]

Just Me, the lack of desire will pass with time. But, you have to remember that depending on the depth of your "P" use you used up a lot of you s3xual energies and desires, so now that you have started the "cold turkey" treatment. You will find that your energy levels will begin to increase (now that you are not applying all your energy to "P") and as they do the desire will return.