New and Looking for Support

[IamLost]

Well, I guess this day has been coming for over 12 years. I’m 23 and first started looking at internet P when I was 11. I started looking at P at a time when all it took to access sites was click the button saying you were 18, and suddenly a young boy’s eyes were opened to his wildest dreams. That mixed with file sharing programs, and a little bit of careful history erasing, and I was able to look at everything for minutes, then an hour, then 3 hours at a time without my parents finding out for years.

During that time I ended up diving into the most disgusting, vile, awful sites out there. I didn’t know any better, and I was hooked. I searched profiles on the original AOL, then MSN years later, then Yahoo. Many times when I found a new low I was disgusted with myself and tried to stop. The longest I think I have ever made it is 1 month.

I have been lucky enough to have a couple successful relationships, but none in the past 3 years. It has even gotten to the point now where my head is so screwed up, that I have had trouble in the bedroom, but then when I’m alone all it takes is one picture on an image search to set me off on a binge.

I have just started trying to quit again and it has been 36 hours. I have permanently deleted my collection, and canceled my subscriptions and online profiles that I have on various sites over the last hour.

I am on here, because I need support. I need help. I am ashamed of how far I have sank.

I also have a couple of issues that limit how much real life help I can seek out. I am in the military, and am stationed in a foreign country where English is not the primary language. So finding a therapist would prove difficult. There is a psychologist available on post, but I am in a support battalion and he is in a company in the same battalion meaning he works down the hall from me. I feel 100% uncomfortable seeing him, especially after I have heard rumors that the files of other patients have on occasion gotten out. I also live alone, which I have gathered from reading on this site is not always a good thing, but the housing arrangement here does not allow that to change.

Finally, since I am abroad my family, and friends from a few months ago are thousands of miles away. I know that some people here will suggest going out and meeting other friends, and I have, but none that I am anywhere close to being able to let into my problem.

Anyway, at this moment I am once again highly devoted to getting this out of my life for good. I know AA has sponsors, and if this community can help guide me along this journey that I have failed at countless times….

Thank You,

I Am Lost

[OpenEyes]

Number one, it sucks that you let yourself get this low. Number two, you have made your choice to get better. That is a huge step. Number three, you will be dealing with some very conflicting issues. In the military, you are trained to set aside your feelings, but in your case of getting better, and getting to a point of reconnecting with yourself, the world and possible realtionships, you will need to feel. This is gonna be real tough on you. Do not let yourself get talked down. Be strong and know that all the P in the world does not matter one little bit compared to being able to look into your SO's eyes, and hearing she loves you, and knowing you treat her right, with respect and understanding. In order to get to that point, will take a lot of soul searching, self analysis and someone to ask you some very tough questions.

If you do not feel good about going to the batallion therapist, then seek some online counseling. Get a program on you PC that will stop you from getting to the "bad" sites. Make a complicated password, then place it someone away from the PC. You can still get in, if you are willing to get up, go get it, and then type it in. BUT, the entire time you are doing it, you have to think about what you are doing. It may help.

A lot of the resources on this site are extremely useful, especially the recommended readings. I just got some in the mail and am finding a lot out about myself, and possible history, through a clinical standpoint. Self analysis helps.

There are many references to "triggers" on the site. What sets you off. I have made the analogy go a bit further. I do not want to simply avoid my triggers, I need to difuse the bomb. The bomb will always exist, but if I know myself well enough, I may finally find the arming mechanism, and be able to difuse it. The explosive is made, it will always exist, but the chances of going off will be minimalized. That is my goal. It may be possible, it may not be, but, I am just beginning my own therapy, so I really do not know for sure.

Keep reading on this site. Especially the SO journals. If anything will give you motivation, then reading the effects of PA on the SOs will certainly motivate you to stopping. You have to do this for yourself, and it sound slike you made that decision, now follow some of the suggestions here, make an action plan, learn your triggers, get yourself some help and keep us informed how you are doing. You have support here.

OpenEyes

Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor. ~Dr. Alexis Carrel

[maggie]

Lost,

Yes, you are lost like thousands of other PAs. But, you have a way out, since you have realized it is controlling you and you want to stop and gain control back control.

This gives you a good start. You realize that it is controlling your mind and your choices.

How to kick this monster out of your head.... A therapist would be good, assuming the therapist you chose is competent and knowledgable in p addiction, and that is not always the case!

Better, you have this site which not only contains real struggling porn addicts, men your age, younger and older, who have opened up and admitted all of their problems and just how they conquered them.... one step at a time. If you read their journals, you'll learn what helped them succeed and you'll learn the triggers that pulled them back down.

As Open Eyes has written, you will see how the guys here have identified the triggers that cause them to relapse and how many devise a plan of action to avoid it happening again.

"The hide the password " trick sounds so simple, right ? Don't equate it with an alcoholic hiding his brew; we all know he would go find the hidden bottle very quickly!

The addiction to porn is different, in that it is such a game of the mind control. While you are getting dressed and locking up the apt to go outside ( it helps if it's winter and freezing out !) and looking for your car, which has the hidden psswrd, your mind suddenly gets distracted and the urge lessens and you have an opportunity to focus on something else and let it go.

That's just one of the actions the successful pa's here have taken.

An organized list of what to do to replace the thoughts of p with is necessary. Keeping photos or items that remind you of the good people or good things in your life around, have them visible to think about when the p monster sneaks into your mind, and having someone to call about something... it doesn't have to be p.

Although in the beginning you may give in.... don't ever give up.

Good luck and keep posting...that helps your mind & soul too.

[Daniel]

Lost,

OpenEyes & maggieliz have provided some good advice, please follow it.

As I read their posts, a few things came to mind.

It has been proven that distraction is the best method for getting rid of a sudden urge to do something; any urge. In the case of PA, we know the urges will come.

Your resolve started 36 hours ago but the urges will be back with a vengeance. Your mind will not have accumulated enough victory in that time (or ever perhaps) to withstand a frontal assault. Therefore have a short list of alternative activities you can do at the drop of a hat. These would preferably take you outside, or to another room, or simply physically away from the source of the temptation/urge.

With some good diversionary activities and the willpower to carry them out, you give yourself some time to re-orient your thinking, your responses, your outlook, attitude, thoughts, your free time. Your goal here is to literally change the way you are thinking; to close down those old ways permanently and begin building new ways to think, so as to not leave a vacuum.

[there is a thread here somewhere dealing with the brain chemistry and physio-chemical aspects of addictions. It is very interesting and very relevant for us PAs. To see that the thoughts basically translate into chemicals, and how to get them re-wired to work properly with the right stimulii, vs. metric tons of wrong stimulii]

Short term success trick No. 1: use diversions in an emergency.

Long term success trick No. 1: change your thinking (and I'll save you the suspense by stating plainly that this "trick" will be worked on probably for the rest of your life, never completely letting your hand off the lid so to speak).

You should expect to change up your daily/weekly rituals and habit Big Time. As I've said before, "if you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got."

These changes could be inserted under the heading of "guard rails" that help you not go over the edge.

Internet filters. A whole other topic with its own thread here at TTF. You should find one for sure. Alone in your own place with a PC "thousands of miles from home" and friends and family? Recipe for disaster if it were me.

Make it hard to fail is the general idea here. Also, as maggie suggested, putting the filter password away where it can't be easily reached; take the battery out of your laptop and put it somewhere hard to get to...; go online only for what must be done then get out.

Is there an old trusted friend in your near-past or far past who you could tell? Opening up to a real live non-virtual person is unbelievably comforting and reassuring. Something to think about.

Start your own Journal. Many folks here are able and willing to help you and can do so more effectively if we know where you're coming from and what you're dealing with etc.

Welcome again,

Daniel

PS: if you are interested in an online course to help the "thinking part" of the problem you can PM me.

[IamLost]

Daniel, maggieliz, and OpenEyes thank you. I really don't have the words to say how much grateful I am to have others at my side for the first time after years of failures and dealing with this in silence.

I have started a journal now here: My Recovery Journal:

Daniel, I would be highly interested in the online course to help the thinking part of the problem as you called it. I haven't figured this site out just yet so I'm not sure how to PM you about that.

To anyone, suggestions on good internet filters?

Does anyone know of PA therapists who do sessions over the internet?

Finally, I know that there are dozens of talks about triggers and different ways to deal with them on this site. I know I will eventually work out my own, but could someone point me in the direction of readings that are a solid start for dealing with and discovering my own?

[Charly22]

A good internet filter is K9. You can download it for free. I like Daniel's idea of carefully deciding in someone to trust about talking about this, and maybe allowing them to set the password for you. Even if you have to set the password you can still follow Daniel's and others advice about making it a complicated one and making it a challenge to find it. At least the K9 filter can do it's job, and remind you before you ever see anything, that hey, this is a dangerous area.

Good luck to you.

Not an easy thing you are attempting. But don't give up. You deserve to live your life to the fullest!

[dave42]

Welcome, Iamlost:

Congratulations for seeking help and coming here. We want to support you. Here is a thought. I belong to Sex Addicts Anonymous, which is full of guys (and a few women) who are struggling with porn and other forms of sexual acting out. They have a fantastic telemeeting program. People call in from all over the world. I suggest you try these meetings.

Pro: you can call in throughout the day because there are a number of telemeetings.
You can get support over the phone and not feel so, so isolated, which I think you are feeling right now (hang in there, buddy!!). You can share your thoughts, fears, struggles in total secret.

Con: the phone meetings can be annoying sometimes due to some static or background noise. Also, at SAA meetings you usually start by saying, "Hi, I'm Dave, and I'm a sex addict" and that is really, really hard to do the first 1-5 times (now it's like nothing for me to say this, but at first it was super tough.) however, you could just listen in or not say that if you want. Google Sex Addicts Anonymous and look for telemeetings. or go here: Sex Addicts Anonymous ® — Meetings | Electronic Meetings

[Benedict]

Not at all an easy thing. I am struggling too. The hardest times are those evenings alone, and mood is low. You really need to figure out some strategies that work for these times - and DO THEM. Maybe involve accountability to a person or group, or activities that are really important to you, or physical exercise or whatever. But I know thats where I have been failing. Lots of good examples to inspire you here. Let us know regularly how you are going. Tell us about any relapses and don't let them get you down... learn from them if they occur and modify strategies as a result. Remember all the reasons you want to be PF; and get straight back to applying all your improved strategies. what did that song say, I get knocked down, I get up again,....Good luck, Benedict.

[dlogue]

I have been addicted to porn for about 25 years am married with small child. i need help where can i start?

[dave42]

Hi Dlogue:

I just sent you a private message welcoming you, but in case you didn't get it...Welcome! We are glad you got yourself here. That took courage! Congratulations on making the choice to get your life straightened out.

We want to help you! So, first thing is the read the sticky notes on this part of the website. They offer a lot.

Also, think of all the great reasons you want to get your life in order. Of course, because you are married and have a small child, you have so much to work towards! Imagine a life in which you can really enjoy your wife and kid without constantly thinking about porn. You can do it! The first few days are very tough. Then the first month is still tough but easier. Finally, with time, discipline and a growing sense of serenity, you'll gain more and more time and, although it's never easy, you'll find the cravings will lessen. You must stay vigilant, though, for life. This is a tricky addiction, so you have to be very, very committed.

Anyway, the first thing is to make a plan. If you didn't get my private message, please let me know, and I can help you make a plan. It should be highly structured--this is no time for half-hearted measures. You need some specific plans to get some time under your belt.

We have all been trapped and unable to quit. But now you are here, and you can lean on us and feel the power of this group. We really KNOW how hard it is to stop.

May you find peace, my friend!!

Dave