The Silence is Deafening

[AloneInACrowd]

Hello all,

I'm sorry to say I'll be joining you all in this journey. I've been trolling around the past couple of days while waiting for my account to be approved and I have to say, if I have to be experiencing this, at least I won't be at it alone.

A brief introduction (as I plan to post a more thorough post on the SO Forum): I've been married to my best friend for nearly three years now and we've been together for five. We just had a beautiful little boy in December and up until last week, I felt that I had finally found my reason for existence, my perfect picture. I was in a beautiful place. For the first time in my life, I understood what "family" meant.

And then my world came crumbling down around me when my husband informed me of his PA after being caught. My marriage began crumbling shortly thereafter.

And so here I am, alone in a crowd and overwhelmed by the silence that has replaced the "open" communication of my relationship. So much to say but no idea how to say it. I hope if I stumble around long enough, I'll figure it out.

I know I am among friends and at a time when I feel the most alone in the world, that is very much appreciated.

Ali

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

AloneInACrowd,

I don't think welcome is the right word here, because no one wants to be here. But, this site is wonderful and helpful for people in our situation. I hope you can find healing and compnay at least while you are here.

What is your husband going to do now? if you read for a day on this site, you will know words and saying "I'm sorry" mean nothing. Actions count.... joining this site, a 12 step program, counselling....those are actions that tell you he is serious about quitting. Of course, it takes a PA a while to decide if they are serious or not. I hope your husband is serious. You can't heal if he doesn't.

Post all you want. Start a journal just so you can clarify your own thoughts to yourself. And if you want, your husband can read it too on here so he can see at least some of what you are feeling.

Hugs to you and I wish you well.

[AloneInACrowd]

WifeOfNewLifeMan,

Thank you so much for your post. We have a rough sketch of our plan of action though I admit I feel it's somewhat shaky. However, I hope that as we learn more from here, we can amend and add to it.

- He's actually the one that found TTF and told me about it. His registration was denied so he hasn't been able to post. He's emailed to try to get it resolved but until then, he just keeps reading and reading on here about the experiences of other PAs and SOs.
- He agreed to once-a-week couple's therapy. Now to just find a therapist - hopefully calling our insurance tomorrow..
- We heard through the grapevine about an organization called YouAndMeWe..? I have no idea how helpful it is but we're going to a seminar this weekend on forgiveness. I feel like it's too early for me to actually forgive, but I think anything we can do to spend time together and communicate can help at this point.
- He said he found some software he can put on his computer and phone that alerts me when anything "iffy" is done. He's supposed to put it on soon.
- He's asked me to have weekly meetings (aside from our therapy sessions) where we talk about his progress, temptations, ways of dealing with them, etc. I discovered after our first one that it's going to have to be about me and my feelings as much as it is his progress, but we've agreed that this is a good way to stay connected.

It seems like a lot in print, but I still feel doubtful. No software will alert me as to what is in his mind. If he's lied before, he'll lie again. How long will he be willing to take whatever reparative measures I want before he starts saying, "I got this - I'm cured." and begins sneaking away to the bathroom again? I'm trying not to let this doubt and pain control my life but at this point, I think I need to celebrate the success of still being in the same house as him.. Other, more positive milestones, will have to wait. And I've got some serious soul-searching to do.

I appreciate your words of encouragement and reassurance that I won't overstay my welcome with too many posts. I posted a journal - wasn't really sure what I was "supposed" to do so I just wrote what I thought might help me. I'm looking forward to some perspective from other SOs (and perhaps even some PAs) on this trek of mine. I feel so lost.

My brain keeps saying, "Now that we have a list of interventions and solutions, we need to put them into action." but my heart keeps saying, "Now what?.. there's nothing left.."

[dave42]

Thank you for a reminder of how harmful this addiction is. My friend, I'm so sorry for your pain. I am a sex addict (porn, strip clubs, escorts, online chat rooms) and I've made my partner cry twice lately. We want to support you, and we need to hear again and again the harm we have caused.

God bless you!

Dave

[AloneInACrowd]

Dave,
Thank you for your post. It is encouraging to see that others who suffer with P/SA want to recover.. That helps me believe that my husband might also.
AIAC

[Life-lies-trust]

WifeOfNewLifeMan,

It seems like a lot in print, but I still feel doubtful. No software will alert me as to what is in his mind. If he's lied before, he'll lie again. How long will he be willing to take whatever reparative measures I want before he starts saying, "I got this - I'm cured." and begins sneaking away to the bathroom again? I'm trying not to let this doubt and pain control my life but at this point, I think I need to celebrate the success of still being in the same house as him.. Other, more positive milestones, will have to wait. And I've got some serious soul-searching to do.

I am sorry to say that there is no CURE for this problem but the PA/SA/MB person can stay in recovery. This is not easy on anyone and as the SO you have been the collateral damage in this addiction. YOU are not at fault for ANY of this he choose to do this.

My brain keeps saying, "Now that we have a list of interventions and solutions, we need to put them into action." but my heart keeps saying, "Now what?.. there's nothing left.."

Do not make any radical decisions at this point you are badly hurt and need time to see clearly again. It does come but it will be awhile in coming.

I understand where you are coming from. I'm the SO of a PA who has had this addiction for 30+ years and I just found out about this in December 2009.

Hugs and Chocolate.

[dave42]

Hang in there, AloneinaCrowd! Thanks for your message. I'm hoping that as you continue to come here to this website, you will feel more and more support. It's a terrible addiction. I've met people who have a sex addiction (at Sex Addicts Anonymous, which I highly recommend to your husband; COSA, which I don't know about first hand, might be helpful for you and other SOs) who are also addicted to alcohol and drugs. Some of them say that this addiction is harder to recover from. I guess I'm saying that to emphasize the difficulty of this disease. Still, I've met many, many men and women in SAA who have years and years of sobriety. As you say: there IS hope.

With lots of support for you and your husband on this tough road,

Dave

[Benedict]

I really feel for you, and hope that you and your husband can get to a better place. Lots of journals here of partners, and I think it is important to get to place where you understand it is not about you, and has nothing to do with your attractiveness, shortcomings, relationship issues etc though they may all be used by your PA as excuses.

And also to realize that PA does not necessarily mean he does not love you and desire you. And finally, I think something that comes through from many posts on this site, is that the PA has to want to be PF for themself with motivation coming from themself. Can't come from SO, or be motivated only by fear of losing the relationship. So important that your husband comes to clearly want to be PF for himself....reading some of the journals here may help.