New SO, dealing with co-dependency behaviors

[stillfree]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, but hoping to find some support and encouragement from others. I don't like that others are dealing with this horrible addiction, but it's nice to not feel alone.

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years, but we were really close friends for 10 years before we were together. I'm 33, he's 38. I knew that he watched porn before we were a couple - I'm an open-minded individual and like most people, I thought men watching porn was pretty typical and not a big deal. When I moved in with him, he mentioned it again and said, "I watch a lot of porn." I look back now and realize how much he was really trying to tell me and how much I just didn't hear.

No one dealing with this addiction is 'lucky', but in the grander scheme of things, I think of us as 'lucky'. My husband's addiction consisted only of viewing porn and masturbating - he's never been into phone sex, meeting people in person, prostitutes, cheating, etc.). I don't think I could wrap my head around how much "a lot" meant until I had surgery in 2008 and was housebound and saw for myself the amount of time he spent on the computer searching for porn. Every waking minute he was in the house, that's what he was doing. He searched and viewed it openly, sometimes while sitting next to me on the sofa.

He had 4 or 5 hard drives full of porn - it's like he was hoarding it since very rarely did he ever go back and watch any of the stash. He seemed more addicted to the search and find. He never paid for any porn other than a $5 annual fee to a specific message board site that had a thread where people posted illegal full-length clips of porn. People post hundreds of full-length porn links there every single day so he was never short on supply.

My husband has always, always been honest with me. There's been no effort on his part to blatantly hide porn from me. At most, he's pretty much downplayed it or tried to make it less obvious (or I guess maybe lied by not telling me about it, but never denied it if confronted). Before it became a "problem" for us, he was surfing in his office one night and reading erotic stories (a huge part of his addiction still) and he was on a site that was based on gay literature. This also was no shock to me - as a psychology major, I know that people dealing with sexual addiction sooner or later venture into gay-related areas but that doesn't necessarily make them gay (I know my husband is not gay). He had a brief moment of panic flashing through his eyes - not from being caught reading erotica, but more embarrassed that I saw that it was gay-related.

After I had our son last year, he had personally decided he wanted to give up porn. It's not something he wanted to raise his son around. I was relieved. We didn't really discuss boundaries or details - I mistakenly assumed that was the end of it (I guess we're all hopeful aren't we?). then one day when our son was barely a week old, he retreated to the bedroom with his laptop (my mom and brother were visiting) to do some homework (he is finishing his degree online and it was finals week). Since porn seemed to be so gone from our house, I didn't think twice about it.

Exhausted, I went upstairs about an hour later to lay down while my mom cared for the baby. I laid down next to him and dozed off. My eyes fluttered open at some point and I could see his laptop screen. He was indeed working on homework, but I could see two other screens on the bottom bar - both looked as though they were slowly downloading something. My heart jumped into my throat because I knew instantly it was porn.

I sat up straight and said, "Are you downloading porn?" He looked at me sheepishly and said, "Yeah." I lost it. I broke down and cried. I think that was the first time I ever broke down like that. I felt so betrayed and disappointed and hurt. He cried too, because he realized how much it hurt me. He even said he felt disgusted - he knew it would hurt me and he did it anyway. I think that's the day it became clear to us that this was a serious problem. And this is the day that all things of a sexual nature where pictures of women, porn, etc. became a HUGE problem for me. I might not have been bothered by pics of sexualized women in swimsuits, but now they sicken me.

Long story short, the porn went away on a large scale, but I think he still surfed when I wasn't home or around. It was a significant difference, though. Flash forward to last December. After watching several episodes of Dr. Drew's Sex Addiction Recovery show (the celebrity rehab), something disturbed him greatly. Hearing all of them talk about their dysfunctional childhoods and molestation and sexual abuse, something haunted him to the point that he literally had a breakdown one night. I think it was hearing all of that and just the thought of someone doing something - anything - to our son. I think it also sunk in that those porn stars are usually troubled souls that have some grave issues... and they are someone's son/daughter, not just a sex object.

That night, he went on a mission to eradicate all porn-related items from his laptop and the house. He threw out books that hadn't been touched in 10 years and destroyed the hard drives that had been collecting dust in the garage. Upon his suggestion, he put accountability software on his computer. I could not be more relieved.

Now 5 months later, he's still doing really well. There hasn't been any viewing of actual porn that I can find (I hate to say it, but I am still very, very guilty of snooping). I know he occasionally views the erotic literature sites on his phone when he's bored (more on this in a minute). I will say that because I know he's an addict, I'm quite certain that if it weren't for the accountability software, he likely would've slipped and viewed porn by now. It's not that I doubt him - I doubt the addiction.

I am noticing that some old behaviors are starting to creep back in, though. And I'm not saying they'll even lead to porn viewing or anything, but I'm starting to realize that it makes me far more uncomfortable than I've been willing to admit until recently. He has always browsed the mindless guy sites - I never thought of them as 'harmful' until recently. In fact, I don't think they are that big of a deal for a 'regular' person who's not recovering from a sex/porn addiction. His favorite site is Gorilla Mask, which is mostly stupid, time-wasting humor. But it's also now filled with tons of links to sex-related things. Everyday there's several postings called "Spank Bank", which is just as it sounds: a collection of photos of a particular model in very scantily clad clothing. I don't think there's much nudity, but it's obviously of a sexual nature.

In the beginning I thought that we agreed that this was considered a poor choice of links to be looking at. And it's only been in the last two weeks or so that he's started viewing those sites again. I haven't talked to him about it yet - I guess I've been contemplating whether or not it's a battle that should be picked or let go.

That got me thinking about myself... and realizing I'm now falling back into old habits. I'm an adult child of an alcoholic, so minimizing someone else's behavior and pushing things away instead of dealing with them is nothing new to me. I have a feeling I've become a co-addict/co-dependent (snooping, always looking for evidence, high anxiety when he's on the computer even when he's doing innocent things, afraid to leave him at home alone, etc.). I'm finding myself trying to control his behavior - encouraging him to do more productive things rather than surf the web (in hopes he'll avoid the questionable sites), giving up plans or not committing to do things with others during times it would leave him at home alone, fearful of him upgrading his phone to an iPhone or other smart phone (which would give him capability to surf/view porn on his phone), etc.

It's only been in recent times that I realize how much of my energy goes to him and this topic. And that makes me mad at myself because I doubt he's giving even one second's thought to it. To him, viewing a Spank Bank link takes about 60 seconds of his day and isn't a big deal. But why am I letting this little stuff tear me apart?

It makes me sad because outside of this issue, our marriage is amazing. My husband is an extremely devoted family man. He spends as much time as possible with our son and carries a great deal of weight at home - I never have to ask him to take out the trash, change a diaper, or handle things around the house. He works hard (has two jobs so I can stay home and take care of our son). We have a great sex life, he's never chosen porn over me (unless you count back in the day when he was viewing it and he seemed just too tired to do anything else). We have small arguments like anyone else (when someone is irritable or low blood sugar mostly), but we don't have huge blow out fights. Anytime either of us has an issue, it's easy for us to talk about it... except I struggle with this one (I think because it has to do with addiction and I guess I have baggage from my childhood to deal with still).

I'm sorry this is so long, but I'm still trying to sort things out in my own head. I feel relieved that I've woken up and realize that I'm back in co-dependent territory. I don't want to be passive and pretend that things don't bother me when they obviously do. I know it's my old self - fearing that if I bring this up he'll get mad and leave me. The logical girl inside me KNOWS that this would never happen, so why do I let the fear eat me so much?!

I know that I can read all the books I want and seek all the professional help I want, but nothing is accomplished if I don't actually do the work and say something to him. This is what I'm working on right now.

[Life-lies-trust]

Sorry you are here. But you will find support here. I will warn you that if he is not working on the addiction it is likely that he is viewing it at work. I know this because my H lost his job in March because of the P at work.

Hugs to you.

[stillfree]

Sorry you are here. But you will find support here. I will warn you that if he is not working on the addiction it is likely that he is viewing it at work. I know this because my H lost his job in March because of the P at work.

Hugs to you.

Hi there,

Thank you so much for your comment. I will say that him being at work is usually a great comfort now. His job isn't based around a computer much - he's in telecomm, but not internet, it's a hands-on job. The computer he uses is in a large office space that is extremely viewable to his 7 co-workers and boss. Also, he installed the same accountability software on his work computer as he did on his laptop - and it was verified since I am his accountability partner, etc. I was with him in the office the day he did it. If he disables it on any computer, I get instant notification.

My only worry at one time was before he took action to clean his life from porn. He told me about a DSL line that is installed in the office that is a direct line for their clients to use while they are on site. He knows that it isn't monitored by the company and is basically a free-for-all line. I am certain that back in the day before we confronted the issue, he most likely viewed porn on his laptop from this DSL line on slow work days. I know he hasn't since then because of the software. He would have no way of viewing porn from this line without me knowing.

He's been promoted and he's mentioned that the new company that just bought them out will probably provide him with a laptop for work purposes (as they should have a long time ago). Obviously, this fills me with anxiety. But I have already decided that I will basically demand he install the software on this laptop as well.

He is going out of town for the full week next week, which makes me nervous. This is the first time he's ever traveled without me or vice versa. The thought of him being alone in a hotel room scares me because he will be bored and frustrated that he's away from his family (he's having a hard time leaving me and our infant son for such a long time). His porn addiction started in his previous marriage out of boredom (hence the surfing) and has never really been orgasm-driven (though masturbation to orgasm has been associated). Most of his porning has been just searching and watching without masturbation.

The fact that he'll be alone and bored away from his family is a prime time for a major relapse. I know that there's the accountability software, but that can't stop him from it, just alert me to it after the fact. I know I can't do anything to stop it ever, but this situation really eats at me. Thank goodness he never has to travel!

Sorry this is so detailed and long, but it really helps me sort things out in my mind.

Big hugs to you.

[Charly22]

your story is quite familiar with mine. unfortunately, p addiction is an all consuming matter, for both the addict and the partner.

you seem to have quite an insight into everything right now....a blessing or curse.....both I reckon.

But glad you found this place....it wasn't until I found ttf that I was able to get a grip on my own out of control emotions.

I hope you can come to terms with the fact that he might look at porn again, and can find a way to get that under your feet, and deal with it in a way that is not so harmful to either of you.

It is awful place to be when we become obsessed with worrying, suspicion, and doing what we think is helpful, or encouraging.

But I also hope that he can find the strength and the will power to prove to himself that he can do it. You might be pleasantly surprised.

I have found that I cannot let my happiness rest on his do's or don'ts, I have come close to the edge of insanity letting my ability for peace rest there.

You are blessed with a baby boy and what a great way to re-focus and concentrate on the positive and beautiful blessing in life.

Sending sunny days your way.

P.S. you should join the rest of the SO's in creating your own journal, and place for YOU, and you alone, to speak freely and let the hurt out, so it doesn't fester inside. Looking forward to your journal.