New Member vent

[faith19]

I found out December 30th 2009 that my husband is a PA and SA. He visited a prostitute days before Christmas and she gave him a "gift". He knew he was caught because that gift was passed on to me. He confessed and I told him right away that he was a PA/SA. He was very emotional and very repentant and he said he also felt very relieved. We separated but I knew I still loved him and if he was willing to get help I would take him back which I did within a week. I found a great therapist and we also found a great marriage counselor the problem is that he found himself a "psycho" therapist who convinced him that he wasn't a PA or SA but he was just "passive aggressive" and that I was to blame. At one point her even said to me "All guys watch Porn."I literally almost lost my mind. He reluctantly went to some SAA and SLA meetings but hated them and felt he didn't belong. He did not like the religious slant they have and the fact that there is very little dialogue. He did change therapists at my insistance and after 4 sessions she finally realized and told him that he is indeed and SA but it may take her "6 months to a year to figure out why" I don't get it! I am very worried about his sobriety. I want him to go see a CSAT therapist but for some reason they don't take insurance. I am going to try and get him to take a look at some posts on this site tonight. He is highly educated, comes from a good family and has a great career and he became an SA/PA. He is still somewaht in denial/shock that this happened to him . I tell him that EVERYONE is susceptible to an addiction.

[dave42]

Hi Faith19:

Welcome! I am very sorry for all grief that this addiction causes. I'm glad you are going to show your husband the posts on this website, especially since he was turned off by the religious slant of the 12 step programs. I've found that on this site, although some of us do involve religion, many folks don't find that approach useful.

SAA: I hated it too at first, for the same reasons (plus I hated having to say, "Hi, my name is David and I'm a sex addict"). Five years ago, I went to 1 meeting, which I hated, and I tried to go to a second meeting but I lacked courage to get through the door (I couldn't even get out of my car). But I returned to SAA in January, because I realized that I was really out of control. I have worked through my problems with the religious slant (I'm religious, but I found/find some of the talk a bit off putting!) and with the fact that there isn't much dialogue (I know that once you make friends in SAA, you can form small feedback groups where there is more chance to talk and get feedback going. I guess what I'm saying is that I encourage your husband to give the SAA meetings another try. Or there are SAA telemeetings Sex Addicts Anonymous ® — Meetings | Electronic Meetings . Those are good to try, although the background noise (static, etc.) is sometimes a problem.

I'm glad you are here, because the other SO of PAs can support you. Yes, I can understand shock and denial. That definitely described me for a number of years. This SAA self-assessment might help him think about himself: Sex Addicts Anonymous ® — Is SAA For You? | Self Assessment

Good luck! We are all cheering for you and your husband.

My best,

Dave

[Desert Ghost]

Hi Faith19:

Welcome! I am very sorry for all grief that this addiction causes. I'm glad you are going to show your husband the posts on this website, especially since he was turned off by the religious slant of the 12 step programs. I've found that on this site, although some of us do involve religion, many folks don't find that approach useful.

SAA: I hated it too at first, for the same reasons (plus I hated having to say, "Hi, my name is David and I'm a sex addict"). Five years ago, I went to 1 meeting, which I hated, and I tried to go to a second meeting but I lacked courage to get through the door (I couldn't even get out of my car). But I returned to SAA in January, because I realized that I was really out of control. I have worked through my problems with the religious slant (I'm religious, but I found/find some of the talk a bit off putting!) and with the fact that there isn't much dialogue (I know that once you make friends in SAA, you can form small feedback groups where there is more chance to talk and get feedback going. I guess what I'm saying is that I encourage your husband to give the SAA meetings another try. Or there are SAA telemeetings Sex Addicts Anonymous ® — Meetings | Electronic Meetings . Those are good to try, although the background noise (static, etc.) is sometimes a problem.

I'm glad you are here, because the other SO of PAs can support you. Yes, I can understand shock and denial. That definitely described me for a number of years. This SAA self-assessment might help him think about himself: Sex Addicts Anonymous ® — Is SAA For You? | Self Assessment

Good luck! We are all cheering for you and your husband.

My best,

Dave

Yes Dave, I had the same issue with the Twelve Step Programs and their religious slant. Since I was not raised in a family that practiced religion, in fact my parents used the reasoning that all religions were a sham and only out to separate people from their money. But, I have come to understand the one statement in the Twelve Step Program "Higher Power as We know" is actually saying that this is the power that each of us look to which is outside of us regardless of what name you give it. Weather that name is Jesus Christ, Buddha, God, Allah, Yahwan, Jehovah, etc, so don't allow that idea of Religion keep you from the message that the Twelve Step Program have to offer.

I know that I had and have trouble with the introduction at the meeting as well but, I have heard many members use the statement "Hello I'm, _____________ a recovering sex addict."

[Benedict]

Faith19, I hope your husband can get past the denial and find the internal drive to want to change this. This site is an excellent resource and if you can get your husband to read some of the journals, particularly PAs, that may help him. It can come as a real shock to read about behaviours that you recognize in yourself. When you see them described by someone else it can really make you realize just how out of control you are. and some of the possible outcomes if you continue.

The 12 steps work for many people, but are not for everyone. Different strategies work for different people....and he will find lots of examples here.