I am sickened of my own behaviour

[justsomerandomdude]

Hi everyone!
Unfortunately another member here. I realise I do need some help.
I have been addicted to P sinc I was probably 12 or 13. It's more than 10 years! And it was a few years ago I crossed the line to illegal P... :((

Since then, it's just becoming worse and worse and I feel I am at an end-point. I really need to change, or I will be sucked into a black hole and start doing bad things in real life in the future. I don't want that. I know that somewhere deep inside there must be a normal person who does not think about S and P 24/7.

To make matters worse, I have a relationship with a girl, but not a happy and supportive one. She is extremely judgemental and would probably kick me out/kill me/report me if she found out what sick thoughts I have. Still, she is the only "normal" connection I have, at least on the surface...
I cannot talk with my parents or friends about it (even though I suspect one of my best friends is suffering from the same thing, but we never talk about it)..

Please tell me there is hope and that I can become normal again!! I am so desperate that I would pay all the money in the world just to get rid of this "thing" in my head.. the obsession.. demon.. whatever it is that drives me to surf P for hours and hours. It even went so far as to MB in front of complete strangers, via webcam. Totally degrading, but the excitement fills a void in my soul somewhere...

I am going to come back here, because I feel this is the only chance I have to go back to normality ever. I think I started "trying to quit" about 3 or 4 years ago. That's a long time! I am also a little bothered that I cannot openly discuss all my obsessions with a therapist, for the fear that they will judge me and classify me as a "perv" and try to "fix me" with drugs and what not.

Well, that's a rambling confession.

[justsomerandomdude]

just read the rules.. maybe i am breaking them by what i mentioned above? if that is the case, i accept that i will have to find another place for support :-<

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

If you are looking at illegal things, you have already crossed the line to hurting people. You can try to fool yourself that you are doing anything, just looking, but someone else is hurting someone and you are taking pleasure in it. Bottom line... whatever you are looking at, if its illegal, someone is hurting someone.

Get help. If you want to stop and not hurt people, you will talk to your therapist and do whatever it takes to turn this around. This place is helpful, but it can't take the place of professional therapy or a real person who can stop you from hurting people.

Sorry if this post reads negative, but I don't want you to be under any illusions that looking at illegal porn isn't the same as doing the actual hurting. You are encouraging and condoning people to hurt other people for your personal pleasure.

[Life-lies-trust]

You are being active to come here but you can not deal with this alone. Please see about getting some professional help. I'm an SO so I know how this looks from someone who is not an addict. You can work to stay in recovery before anything else happens. The resources page has several great ideas for help.

[justsomerandomdude]

Thank you for taking time to reply. I will have a look at the resources and see what is available around here. I guess I need someone specialised with people like me.
Does anyone with similar problems have any experience with what is working and what is not? I know everyone is different, but if it worked for one person it must be better than nothing.

I should add that what triggered me to "cross the line" from normal to extreme P was (or seemed to be) the antidepressant (SSRI) drug that I was prescribed by a therapist. It was like all inhibitions disappeared when I was put on the drug.
The reason I got the drug was some general feeling of depression and lack of energy. Back then, I didn't realise I had a problem, my thought was "what, so I surfing a lot of P, doesn't everyone else?" and it never occurred to me that it could be connected. I was suffering from lack of energy and felt generally "numb" and the doctor thought it was depression and gave me the drug. The result was not what I expected. Maybe it's similar to when suicidal people get antidepressants and they get the "confidence" to commit suicide. However, since we cannot go back in time, I have to find a way to deal with it that does not involve drugs.
On top of this, I started taking stimulants for a year or so after my bad experience on the SSRI, just to feel anything at all.. something happened, it was like my brain just desperately wanted another "fix" now and didn't care about anything else. I read about another guy who had similar problems with PA and also stimulants, and it seems to be related :-<
The stimulants are long gone, which is good. Have been off them for years now. It took me about half a year to quit that addiction. I hope I can do the same with PA, even though I realise it's not something easy.

[Charly22]

Glad you are here, and sharing your story, and reaching for the positive things in life. I have witnessed an exact similar situation with the antidepressants. Its as if it removes all inhibitions, its like it numbs your conscience. Not good. Glad you recognize this.

And submersing yourself in porn will in fact turn you into a depressed, isolated, numb empty shell. Keep this in mind. Don't take my word for it. Research it, read the journals here. This happens to EVERYONE who allows it to turn into the all consuming moster that it is. Equipped with this knowledge, knowing this could be the root of your depression, you have a great start, you have a reason to STOP!

And this is not an easy thing to conquer. You will stumble and fall. Keeping getting back up. Reach for what works for you. For now....glad you are here.....

[justsomerandomdude]

Thank you for all your supporting words. I have now contacted a few clinics by e-mail (I am still afraid of talking out loud about these things).

If I am still allowed in here despite the severity of my PA (?), I will create a journal and share with you how things progress. It feels better if I know someone else can learn from my mistakes at least.

[Desert Ghost]

I am a PA and would like to suggest that you find an SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) group in your area and start attending meetings. I belong to SAA and I find that working with others who also suffer from the same types of issues has been a real help for me to start to regain my sanity. Because for us there is no such thing as a normal life. Because this addiction is a life long process of staying sober.

So, I strongly suggest that you do the following things:
1) get professional help
2) join a SAA group
3) find your spiritual path
4) create a journal here and share

>:D<