Paradise Lost

[g_addict]

hello,
Time has come for me to put it down some where clearly that i am an addict. i have been following this forum for past 1 yr when i first realized that i had become an addict.

i never was an addict till few years ago and i am in my early thirties, married and i have loving son. I tried various tips metioned in this site but still always lapsed.

i know when i am weak but i still fall for it. i think i need to get out of this real soon as my career and personal life is taking a hit because of this. i hope to find more support here to get me out of this addiction.

my plan to put it down in public when i lapse and kind of increase the interval over a period of time and get rid of it completely asap.

thanks a lot for all folks who share their stories here. they are truly inspiring and provides me hope that i can do it.

good luck.

- g

coming soon.... Paradise regained (lots of hope here... )

[Charly22]

Lots of hope....right back at ya!

Does spouse know of your addiction?

[g_addict]

no she does not and i am afraid that she will not understand it. i want to get out of it without she realizing that i went thru this.
i dont want to cause her any stress because of my problems

[Life-lies-trust]

g_addict the problem is that she probably has some clue that something is not completely right. As an SO that is what I felt and then would tear myself down that it had to be all my fault that he did not want anything to do with me. I did not know about the addiction till 12/17/09. Just know that she may not be completely clueless as you think but she just has no clue what the problem is.

[Alika]

Hi g_addict,

Being a SO who just found out about my H being PA, I can only say that no matter how big the heartache, hurt, pain, stress, I by far prefer that it's out in the open. I knew there were issues arising between us though I never had reason to suspect P. Now that the problem is identified and out in the open, it enables both of us to address it and work together on it, and even though the reason is sad, and even though I have a lot to get out of my system in a not necessarily very eloquent or diplomatic way (both are understatements) at first, I also see hope and can't help but feel that my H is one gutsy man for starting to come clear and own up and take responsibility and do a whole lot of work to get rid off his addiction(s).

I can also understand that it can be very difficult to come forward because it implies a commitment to change, and the commitment can lead to further heartache if broken. And it's really really hard to part 100% with an addiction without leaving a back door open... However, without open commitment, the addiction will stay a secret, and I think the risk of relapse is larger, and the chance of succes smaller when you don't involve your wife in the commitment.

I guess there is no delicate way of breaking the news to your wife, but if you present the problem to her along with solutions, the steps you plan to take AND especially the ones you are already taking, once the initial shock and hurt is fading a little, you will also have shown her that you are serious about fighting the addiction.

Best of luck to you!

[Daniel]

g_addict,

Welcome to TTF.

You've been given some great advice so far, namely bringing your SO into the picture. I already know this issue makes you squirm because it too made me squirm, and all PAs for that matter. And while I may whole-heartedly agree with Alika and LLT, particularly the piece about the secrecy is easier to continue, the relapse is easier to fall into, when WIFE doesn't know. OK.

However, you must be doing this for you at the end of the day. I may advocate unvarnished honesty with your SO, but you are in your own situation, and you have to call it how you see it. The SOs more than anything prefer honesty (Mrs. Daniel told me this, and I hear it here alot). Mrs. Daniel knows of my issue, the Real Me, and she still loves me. THAT is powerful. Give it some thought. I won't bug you about it anymore :-@..

Meanwhile kick off your own journal. Figure out what triggers your behaviors. Plan how to combat your urges. Make your SO the center of your mental affections. Read around the site and learn up on the issues. Visit the distinguished journals (sorting the journals on the number of visits or posts will get you started..).

Keep in mind we have nearly every station in life here from teenager to older and married, everyone making their way down the trail the best way they know how.

And you can too. Welcome again,

Daniel

[Desert Ghost]

g_addict,

I have to agree with Daniel and those SO's that have posted here. Just remember who you are doing this for, is it for your wife and son or are you doing it for yourself. Because if your are doing it for your family then you are just setting yourself up for repeated failures. I know I first thought that way myself and relapsed in a big way. Now I am being selfish because my recovery is for me and no one else. Which means that as I recover and become stronger this will result in a better relation with my SO.

[Rowlf]

Hi g_addict,

Welcome to the site and well done on making the change from just reading the forums to posting. It's a big change! Actually admitting that one is an addict puts you in a situation to make the changes.

You'll have heard me write about it beforehand but please do something active about triggers. You're probably in a great position having known something wasn't right for the last year to know what triggers you. What happens just before you had to 'act out'?? What are you going to do differently now??? It's REALLY worth the time to sit and think about this, especially when you have a bit of perspective.

When we get stressed we revert back to patterns of behaviour. Now you've admitted your an addict you know that pattern of behaviour has far too high a cost and you're now ready to start living your new life (or you would not have admitted this). So, get some stuff in place to support yourself.

Coming here and posting is a good one. Getting up and going for a walk / jog is another great one.

Good luck! and welcome once again.

[jrock123]

G-Addict - I was like you in that I didn't tell my wife at first. After about 40 days of being porn-free, I sat down to tell her and she was absolutely as warm and accepting as she could be. she commended me for the progress and we moved on. I went through a rough time around 100 days, told her everything and started over. She has said things about how honest and brutal i am with myself. she is there to support me. I send her progress emails (I am back up to 30 days) weekly and she is now my accountability partner. I know you don't want to tell her, but if you don't, you are lying to her no matter how you look at it. Show her this website so she realizes this is an epidemic. there are so many of us that need help and there are tons of folks on this website that can support both you and your wife. Please commit to quitting and commit to an honest relationship.

jrock

[Desert Ghost]

jrock, you are absolutely correct, honesty and integrity must first be accepted within yourself and then you must apply it to your partner. Anything else is just a lie.