Now I see the damage done...

[OpenEyes]

Hello All,
I am a PA. That is so dang hard to type, to see in print. To know and to know that I typed it. I have had an ongoing relationship with P for a long time. I never considered it a problem. I did not understand the scretiveness or the effects it had on me and as I see more posts, see and read the articles and resources but most of all, see the damage it has caused in my marriage I realize now just how bad it is.

I will give a bit of background on me. I am in my mid 40's. I got my first "girlie" magazines in high school. I stopped in college, since I was too busy actually living life. In my late 20's I started to "collect" it again. I rarely looked at anything I bought more than twice, but I never through it out. I had a serious relationship that fell apart, and P was not part of that. And no, I am not fooling myself or anyone else on that one. I made it to my mid 40's never being married, and had pretty much stopped looking. I considered myself content, but not happy. Then I met the love of my life. She did have strong feelings against P and demanded I give it up. She equated P to abuse. I thought this was being prudish, that she was uninformed yada, yada yada. I gave her all the propganda that I had been spoon fed by the P industry. I had believed it. I gave up P. Or, I should say, I got rid of all I had, I resented the ultimatum and then lived with it until...

I considered myself a good person. I am very helpful, I have many good friends, I am well liked by my co-workers, and have a normal relationship with my dysfunctional family. I am the guy who acts as councilor to the rest of them. Makes me wonder at reading that, now that I know I am a PA. Anyway, I met my wife and we got married. I gave up P. Then as we lived together, and got "into" the marriage, and problems crept up, I wothdrew emotionally. I had not started looking at P yet, but, as I look at it now, I think I was setting myself up emotionally for it or maybe psycologically at least. Then when there was a pretty big void in our relationship, we had this huge distance between us, I started with the P again.

She caught me after about 6 weeks. I did not really even hide it much. I think maybe I was wanting to get caught. I do not know. But I had made her a promise. I broke it. I broke her trust. I caused her pain and I am so dam sorry. I lied. I really dislike liars and I lied. But when I did it, it was almost totally without thought, like I was on autopilot. I looked. I engaged in M only some of it but that was still cheating on her. I did not see it as such, at that time. But as we talk, I see the damage, I see the pain, and know I know it was cheating and how much I have hurt her.

I do not like myself very much right now. I go through bits of happiness and being "okay" as we talk, as we try to rebuild. I had so disassociated myself, had so pulled back emotionally that when she told me, she did not think we would make it, before she actually confronted me with my addiction, I had almost no reaction. No normal reactions anyway. As I read more, I see that I fit so many of the "typical" models and I still feel it strange to think of myself as a PA but I know I am one now, thanks to this site and my wonderful wife.

I do not want this to control me. I do not want to lie, to be secretive and I DO want to actually be worthy of trust, which I am not. At least I wasn't. Writing this has been hard. Knowing the damage to my wife, to my marriage, is much worse. I see her tears and know that I put them there. I need to get clean for myself. Only then can I really ask for forgiveness and believe I actually deserve it. Maybe I will never deserve it, but I will at least feel like the asking has meaning.

I do not know the phycology field to well. Does anyone have any advise as to what is best? Psychiatrist, psychologist or psycho therapist? Any help in this area would be a help.

I want to be the person I know I can be. I do not want to let this void in me grow again. I never want to pull away from her emotionally again and I never want to decieve her or myself like I have.

I still keep seeing these words as I type them, feeling like I am worthless but knowing I need this. We need this. I am not sure about much, other than I want to make my marriage work, and that I need help. She is there for me, God bless her.

That is all for now

OpenEyes:-s

[Desert Ghost]

Greeting OpenEyes you have started down the right road and have made your first step towards recovery by being here. I am a PA also and let me make the following suggestions to you find a Therapist that specializes in Sex Addiction, then seek out a Twelve Step Program in you area for Sex Addiction sometimes referred to as SAA(Sex Addicts Anonymous), and final a spiritual guide to help restore your faith.

An let me also add that we all go through the state of feeling worthless and at times it will crept back up on you and you have to remind yourself that you are not worthless. An the other enemy that you need to rid yourself of is the self-hatred. Because self-hatred only lead back to the addiction. An finally you might want to start a recovery journal, in the recovery journals section of the forum.

[OpenEyes]

I posted here, a few days ago, after reading, learning, and finally accepting I am a PA. That is still a shock to me. It was suggested by Desert Ghost that I take a few steps and I began to really read some of the journals of some of the PA's in order to start my own. Artguy and his wonderful wife are an inspiration and at one point, another SO stated that any holding back just hurt more. I still had not understood that. My wife (OESO) has joined and given a very descriptive account of just how much I hurt her, how I tried to reduce the damage and instead only increased it. I had held back, I had not fully disclosed ALL of the P. I had thrown out all of some media types while having a "secret stash" in another. I am still trying to figure out how my mind, heart and soul work. There is no excuse for the lying. I have done it so much. When it comes to the P, it seems the lying is so second nature I do it automatically and I amaze myself that I did it again. How do I stop? I do not want to keep lying.

At my age, M was only present with the P for about half of the viewing. For me, and I have read we all differ a bit in our addictions, it was not just the P but the "doing something I shouldn't" that was the release, the thrill. As my 25 year relationship with P progressed, it waxed and waned, depending on how busy my life was. At first, the most mild pics were treasured and more explicit pics were viewed at as disgusting. Then a few years later, those same pics seemed okay. Years later, those were normal and even tame and the thrill was gone in acquiring them. I had to get more and more extreme material. I read we get desensitized and as I reexamine my relationship with P, it seems I follow a usual pattern. But the P was just a part, I seem to be wanting to fill this void in me. A void I create, a void I cannot seem to fill unless I really hurt OESO with even more pain, more soul searching and more and complete revelation.

In her reply to my letter, she wrote that our relation changed dramatically 6 weeks ago, but I think it was longer than that, maybe 10. At least it was then that an emotional change started to happen in me, one I do not understand. I pulled away emotionally. I went through the steps, I cleaned, I brushed her hair, made her her coffee in the morning. But emotionally I was building a huge gap, more like a chasm between us. She is a wonderful lady, intuitive, smart, and funny when it suits her. Six weeks ago, our relationship changed for her in a more dramatic fashion, but for me, it was a continuation of a larger problem, one we are exploring together.

I hurt her again. Not a relapse but not a full disclosure, either. I had thrown out a lot of material, I had kept my promise not to look for more, but I had kept some, I had not looked at it since visiting this site and had no urges to, either. But, I still had it. I broke yet another trust. How can I keep helping a lady who says "quit being stupid, I need you, I love you, I really hate what you have done to me, to us, but I love you and you have to STOP hurting us." I hurt her again. I moved a hell of a long way to be with her and I told her about the box of P i left behind. It is in storage and will be eliminated as soon as I get back there. I went far more indepth with my history, my use, my feelings (whis are actually a total lack of feeling) when I use P. How I use it to fill some void in me, one that does not ever get filled. I felt so disconnected when I used P. I am still not sure at this moment if I ever really felt guilt over the use of P, but I am sure I did at the lying.
This is part of a pattern of self destructive behavior on my part. I told her early on "nothing good ever lasts for me". I have not seen it till now, that I am the cause of this. I need to be a better person, for myself, for OESO, for us.
She feels our marriage was based on a lie, and in her view it was. I understand it and cannot counter it, only that I thought our marriage was based on love. But love without trust is not what makes a marriage and I have shattered her trust.
She has lashed out, and she feels anger then guilt over both. She is already in therapy, we are looking for help for me, and I have my first SAA meeting this Friday. I want to get better. I think I can now. After her latest find, I had no secrets left, well a few but we talked those out, and I finally did have full disclosure. I am not sure it is 100% only due to the fact that I cannot account for all my lies. I read that last sentence and I am disgusted. But as she asks, I am finally being 100% truthful. I hate the fact that I feel a huge burden has been lifted and she is now carrying one. I feel like I can finally get better and she is the one hurting far more than myself.
I am P free for 7 days, I am only 2 days into actually being truthful so that is my real date, April 17th.
I love OESO with all my heart
I do not deserve her
She sees the good in me, which I know is there also. I still do not know my triggers, and that does scare me. I have promised to let her know immediately if I get an urge.
On this topic, I do need advice. I see many people have had parental controls placed on their PC's but doesn't that just place control of your actions on a program, rather than on yourself? How can you ever trust yourself and find your own strength if you rely on the strength of stopping mechanism? Please advise OESO and I in this.
OESO wrote "I want to trust him again, because if everything else he is telling is true, it really is unfair to question everything he says. On the other hand it was his choice to break the trust and with the way in which it was broken"
Please give her some input on how it is NOT unfair to not trust me. I understand that and it will be a LONG time till I have earned back any semblance of trust. She needs hugs, she needs to vent, she needs so much and she deserves far better than I have given her, but she is with me.
My void is gone, for the moment. Her love fills it, and I am still amazed by it
That is all for now.
OpenEyes

[OESO]

I believe it is very important to distinguish between the person and the action. A limited number of actions don’t necessarily define the person behind the actions.

I don't think that PA is something one is but something that one suffers from, reasons possibly based on whatever luggage one carries; luggage that we all have though the contents differ and manifest themselves differently depending on the individual.

You asked me how I could still love you, and I said that I do very much love the person that you are though I certainly don’t love certain of your more recent actions.

I am proud of you for this blatantly open post, and I see that the steps you are taking right now give both of us new hope that we will get out on the other side of this.

[Desert Ghost]

OpenEyes,

You have made a great start to a hard journey. Stay strong in your resolve to recover for yourself and your SO and other will see the changes in you. An you will find that your life will start to be more peaceful. Just remember that it will be a rough road at times, but it is worth it in the long run. Because you can become the man that you always wanted to be and you will also become the man that your SO wants to be with.