Hello all

[MrX]

Hello everyone. While I am new to posting have been here at TTF for about a month now reading other peoples posts. I have a problem with P.

I started with P when I was first exposed to it at about 12 years old. I'm not really sure when it became a problem, or should I say addiction, but by college it was definatly a problem. So as far as I can tell I've had this problem for 24 years, or two thirds of my life.

I'm married and have one child. My problem is effecting my marriage and my duty as a husband/father, so now is the time to address it.

I started trying to quit in December and have quit now for 10 days, then 12 days, then 10 days again, then 15 days just recently. I have installed Net Nanny on the computers in my house, and over the last month that filter has been tweeked to work properly. The administrative password will now be stored in a safty deposit box which is over an hours drive from my house in a city which I never go to, nor will ever need to go to.

I hope to become clear of my addiction with due time. Starting Friday I will literally be locked out of the bad sites on the internet which will be really helpful in becoming clean.

Well that is about it for now. I look forward to reading more posts and journals.

X

[Daniel]

Welcome to your inaugural post MrX.

I am glad to hear of the measures you've taken thus far. And the victory streaks. This is an indication of your seriousness -i.e., you are trying to make failure a hard thing to do, which is a very wise move. When we feel strong in our quest for freedom why bother with all of the controls? But then in a moment of weakness and judgement held in suspension, we would go over the rails without those controls.

I can't read the future but I have a premonition for you: locking yourself out of a fix is always the right thing to do.
However, as your brain fights the return to physio-chemical equilibrium and you begin to desire a fix, you will look almost anywhere to get one -places you may not have dreamed of before... It's the "starving man" reaction to being clean long-term.

Prepare for this by actively working on your thought processes and discarding the first impure thought that settles in your brain. Your controls effectively bar failure in the old ways, a forced distraction if you will. Now the thinking needs to change to ward off the killer urges which will inevitably come.

But it is do-able. Futhermore, many here have done it.

And you can too.

Go Big,

Daniel

[dave42]

Fantastic idea: putting the password in a safety deposit box so far from home. Now if you want to misbehave, you'll have a significant hurdle (long drive, going in the bank, etc.) to deal with. Hopefully you'll never head over there, but if you do, you'll have time to reconsider, back out. I'm concerned that you might use be tempted to retrieve the password to tweak the settings for legitimate reasons and then have a moment of weakness. Do you have any thoughts on that? (I was just blocked from a legitimate site 2 minutes ago, after having done the tweaking process a couple of months ago, so it's a question worth considering: what will you do if, in 2 months or a year, you find yourself blocked from legitimate websites? I think you should have a very, very strict plan in place now and adhere to it like crazy.)

Good luck! NetNanny (and before it, K9) have been a huge, huge factor in my 2 plus months of recovery, but, as Daniel says, a filter, as great as it is, is not enough. I find that a daily commitment to my recovery is absolutely essential. That means doing 3 things each day proactively toward my recovery. The 3 items can include:

going to an SAA meeting (Sex Addicts Anonymous),
writing and reading here at TTF,
praying
calling up someone who is in my SAA program
writing in my journal about my addiction


We are all cheering you on!

[MrX]

However, as your brain fights the return to physio-chemical equilibrium and you begin to desire a fix, you will look almost anywhere to get one -places you may not have dreamed of before... It's the "starving man" reaction to being clean long-term.

Prepare for this by actively working on your thought processes and discarding the first impure thought that settles in your brain. Your controls effectively bar failure in the old ways, a forced distraction if you will. Now the thinking needs to change to ward off the killer urges which will inevitably come.

Thanks for the encouragement Daniel. Do you have any suggestion on how to deal with the changes to my brain? This would probably be helpful because I've just entered a brute force cold turkey approach to this and I'm a little afraid withdrawl could make me act out in ways that might get me in trouble in my relationship or at work.

I'm concerned that you might use be tempted to retrieve the password to tweak the settings for legitimate reasons and then have a moment of weakness. Do you have any thoughts on that?

I'm glad you brought this up because it caused me to pre-address this issue before it happened. I have my "secret question and answer" stored in the safety deposit box in both a sealed envelope and on a thumb drive.

I checked the local library and you don't have to be a member to use their computers, so when it is time to tweak my settings I will go to the bank vault, get the thumb drive, go to the library and change my settings (using remote access), then put the thumb drive back into the bank vault and drive like a bat out of H before I get too weak.

I find that a daily commitment to my recovery is absolutely essential. That means doing 3 things each day proactively toward my recovery. The 3 items can include:

going to an SAA meeting (Sex Addicts Anonymous),
writing and reading here at TTF,
praying
calling up someone who is in my SAA program
writing in my journal about my addiction

Another good idea. I'm not a member of SAA so I guess maybe I should commit to the other three on your list. By the way, your journal is one I have spent some time in.
__________


So today was the big day. I traded my secret codes for my internet filter for two 125 year old (seriously) safety deposit box keys. It is late now, but tomorrow I will have to start a journal to document my journey and to also record what happened today. And what I mean by what happened to day I mean what happened in my head. Every time I've "quit" before I knew it wouldn't be that difficult to fall. This time is different and I think my brain knows it. It literally took me hours after I got home from the bank (which took 2.5 hour in and of itself) to actually scramble my administrative passwords to Net Nanny. I just feel a little wierd now.

[boris]

Good first steps, Mr. X. They indicate you are serious in kicking this addiction and getting the monkey off your back for good. You've put a good plan of attack in place.

You're decision to go cold turkey, is a smart one. It shows real commitment. The reality is that you are going to experience withdrawal symptoms whether you taper down or go cold turkey, so you may as well go through them early on and experience how good feeling clean feels early on. The feeling gets stronger with time, and even if you stumble, you are less likely give in when your integrity and success are on the line. I've personally experienced that in the short time I've been clean.

If you feel weak, come here first.

All the best,
Boris

[Desert Ghost]

Just a quick note it does not cost anything to belong to SAA other then the desire to stop unwanted sexual behavior. The only cost you would have is if you wish to buy any of the books or booklets offered by the SAA group and then you are only paying the cost of the material since SAA makes NO profit on the sales. The money to operate the group comes from member donations.