New and struggling

[JenMac]

Thanks LLT for your encouragement! You are one of those people I was speaking of, you have been so consistent in answering me and I appreciate that.
Hugs I readily accept, chocolate I'm trying to avoid!
Jenn

[Devastated2]

Jenmac
sorry you are having a rough day. I'd like to tell you that they are few & far between, but they happen a lot in the beginning.
In time though you will find they happen a lot less.
Hang in there!
(((Hugs))))




[/B]

HI Forgotten Not and Devastated2,
Thank you for your kind words in replying to my post! I am sorry you find yourself here too. It is a sad place to have to be. I have found lots of support on these threads, some wonderful, kind, caring people. People doing their best to deal with the devastation in their own lives.
It's been over 10 weeks now and I continue to struggle with my emotions which are all over the place. Right now I am very down and know that I need to change my mindset by taking care of myself, by letting go. I am finding that difficult to do at the moment. Feeling quite swallowed up by it all!
Dark and dismal here today in more ways than one!
Jenn

[JenMac]

Thank you Devastated2!
Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me! There is nothing better than communicating with people who have been through the same thing as you have. I belong to a 12 step Alanon group, unrelated to my spouse, and I have found that very helpful in my life. It is always good to hear similar stories and to realize we are not alone in this struggle. I am always encouraged by the people who are further along in their recovery when I can see their strength and wisdom.
I haven't been able to bring myself to concentrate on that recovery at the moment. I have been avoiding the group even though I know that is what I need right now. The hard part of that is that my husband and I both belong to that group so it is not a place where I can express my feelings freely.
I do not know of any groups dedicated to this type of recovery in my area. So I am very thankful to have this website to rely on and to communicate with the people here. It is similar to my experience with Alanon, although you don't have the opportunity for face to face discussions or to have a sponsor with whom to build a relationship.
Sorry, I am rambling! Thank you for your concern! This too shall pass!
Jenn

[Life-lies-trust]

JenMac,
Check out
Recovering Couples Anonymous - World Service Organization
I am finding that within the group of a closed meeting the safety guidelines are great to help express yourself and they will understand what you are going through.

[Devastated2]

It amazes me how much wives of pa's have in common. I am an ACOA & I belong to a few online groups dealing with those issues as well as codependency. As I'm sure you realize: it's no coincidence we married people with addictive tendencies. It's no coincidence they married codependent personalities that naturally gravitate towards the addicted. With respect to PA, people like us have to be very careful. 1) we have a natural inclination to feel we can fix the addiction 2) we have a natural tendency to blame the entire addiction on ourselves. Once I started to really take a hard look at these behaviors that I learned as a small child, the cloud of my h's pa began to lift significantly. I was able to face that although I am a flawed Human being with issues if my own (who isn't?) I did not cause his pa & it's up to him, not me, to fix it. What a huge relief it was to realize that. So keep reading & learning. Support him all you can but know every step of the way: only he can fix it.
Above all...be kind to yourself.

Thank you Devastated2!
Your words of encouragement mean a lot to me! There is nothing better than communicating with people who have been through the same thing as you have. I belong to a 12 step Alanon group, unrelated to my spouse, and I have found that very helpful in my life. It is always good to hear similar stories and to realize we are not alone in this struggle. I am always encouraged by the people who are further along in their recovery when I can see their strength and wisdom.
I haven't been able to bring myself to concentrate on that recovery at the moment. I have been avoiding the group even though I know that is what I need right now. The hard part of that is that my husband and I both belong to that group so it is not a place where I can express my feelings freely.
I do not know of any groups dedicated to this type of recovery in my area. So I am very thankful to have this website to rely on and to communicate with the people here. It is similar to my experience with Alanon, although you don't have the opportunity for face to face discussions or to have a sponsor with whom to build a relationship.
Sorry, I am rambling! Thank you for your concern! This too shall pass!
Jenn

[JenMac]

Hi LLT, Thanks for connecting me with the RCA site. It looks interesting although there are no meetings in my area. Perhaps in the summer we could try to get to one. I see that they have a conference coming up in Niagara Falls that looks interesting though. We may look into that. I would be interested in hearing how it goes for you guys at the meetings.

Thank you D2 for your comments. I do realize that only my husband can fix this problem. Belonging to Alanon has helped me to understand what is within my power to control and what is not. My alanon group is not related to my husband and I don't feel any codependency issues related to that problem or this problem. Perhaps I do not understand the codependency theory that well. I have a book on that but have never read it, perhaps I should. What is an ACOA? I thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself! I feel like I get swallowed up in this at times. Moving beyond the hurt is difficult. Just when I think I have made progress it whacks me upside the head again.

[Devastated2]

Hi Jenmac
sorry it took so long to reply. It's a crazy time of year with my kids, with school winding down.
ACOA means Adult Child of an Alcoholic. My dad drank for most of my childhood. Today, he is thankfully sober 27 years & one of the greatest guys you could ever meet. I didn't realize how his addiction impacted my behavior until I started to delve in to co dependency looking for answers to why I was reacting as I was to my h's p use. I felt immediately that I could & had to fix it. I also felt I caused it somehow. Of course, I realize now none of that is true. I was simply reacting the only way I knew how: learned unconsciously in childhood. I was then able to take a step back & encourage my h to deal with his p issues alone in therapy. He started today! Thank God! So far, it is very encouraging. It's a great feeling to know he is handling his issues & I am not responsible for them.
It is always necessary for you to treat yourself kindly through this. It can & will sneak up on you & knock you over if you let it. Try bit to let it. Fight it however you can. Keep coming back here. It helps.

Hi LLT, Thanks for connecting me with the RCA site. It looks interesting although there are no meetings in my area. Perhaps in the summer we could try to get to one. I see that they have a conference coming up in Niagara Falls that looks interesting though. We may look into that. I would be interested in hearing how it goes for you guys at the meetings.

Thank you D2 for your comments. I do realize that only my husband can fix this problem. Belonging to Alanon has helped me to understand what is within my power to control and what is not. My alanon group is not related to my husband and I don't feel any codependency issues related to that problem or this problem. Perhaps I do not understand the codependency theory that well. I have a book on that but have never read it, perhaps I should. What is an ACOA? I thank you for reminding me to be kind to myself! I feel like I get swallowed up in this at times. Moving beyond the hurt is difficult. Just when I think I have made progress it whacks me upside the head again.