a qeustion for SO'S

[aswaswas]

I'm strating off in my recovery and I need the support of my wife.I 've hurt her more than I knew.I know it's going to be a long process but 1 does it get any easier 2 will she ever forgive me.Iknow it sounds selfish but their is no way I can do this on my own.She is the most important person in my life.I just don't think she understands how powerful this addiction is. I think she does not belive that this a addiction.I think she would accepted me being addicted to drugs or somthing eles.

[DudeWaffle]

I'm a PA, not an SO, but I can help a little. 1st, you have to have patience. Your SO is hurting A LOT right now. You have to be strong and work on yourself - you need to want this for yourself and may not have her support for a while. But you don't have to feel you are alone. You have peers here, and if available, I recommend you find a 12 step group such as SA, SAA or SLAA for face to face support.

You are correct that a drug or alcohol addiction might be easier for your SO to handle. Your PA affects her on a much more personal and emotional level.

Stay Strong!

[aswaswas]

thanks for your advice. unforcanate my two biggest triggers are when I don't feel close with her.holding her even holding her hand.being alone. And just so happen my wife is out of town for ten days. It's going to be a rough going I just I can make it through it without doing anything stupid that would be the end

[Life-lies-trust]

DudeWaffle is correct this addict hurts us SO more than you can even imagine. This goes to the core of the SO feeling that you addicts find us UGLY and Worthless. Whether or not this is true this is the picture that this addiction gives the SO. You might try giving her this site to read and connect to. This is one place where we can connect with each other with no judgment. SO's seem to take even longer with this recovery because we keep waiting for the addict to LIE, Cheat, and break our trust again.

Try thinking about how would you feel if the roles have been reversed in the addiction?

[WifeOfNewLifeMan]

aswaswas-

I am an SO. It is possible to forgive. I think I have forgiven my husband, but even still, I feel hurt and amazed that he could treat me this way.

The only thing that will make this better is time. And things can only get better and your wife can forgive you if you DON't GO BACK. Its hard to believe your husband is sorry when he tells you sorry one day and screws you over again the next. And you must be completely honest. Even if you were able to lie to your wife for years, once the blinders come off, we SOs aren't stupid. We realize all the little worries we had over the years really did have a basis in reality and we weren't just crazy. If you continue to lie to your wife, then that just helps the SO to feel not only worthless and second best, but for me at least, it made me think my husband thought I was a complete idiot. That's not a nice thing to do to the one you love.

I wish you well in your recovery. It is possible for you to recover from your addiction if you decide to. You can control it. You might need help to do so while you are still weak, but it is possible.

[maggie]

Aswas..your caring and honesty alone are strong evidence of a good man.
I hope you take control of this addiction and get your life back.

I am a SO and I can tell you that I was so shocked, angry, disgusted and above all...
humiliated, when I found out, that I couldn't even conceive of ever forgiving my husband of 20+ years.

Without writing a novel, I want to say that my husband had been an honest, hardworking man, a good father and friend. He was never one of those creepy men who oogle over women and act juvenile. So, I was even more shocked to discover his 3 year P addiction. I found out in Sept 09, one week after my birthday. The irony of it all, is that I was looking at his email to find the website of a gift shop where I was going to ' order my own birthday present ', a week late !! That fact alone, should have been a red flag !

So, it's been 6 months of crying, yelling, fighting, going thru the motions of being a family during the holidays, and trying to understand and forgive what he did.
Sorry to say, but I don't think we have made much progress.

Don't predict your wife's response by my reaction, because there are many other factors involved in this and each relationship is different. As you read the posts here, you will see that many SO's have forgiven their partners and actually say that their relationship or marriage is better than ever!

I also just want to say that, as a female, I am disgusted by the women who pose and act out so graphically for the sole purpose of enticing and then hooking men into this sick, lucrative business of pornography. The p business has its marketing and sales goals well defined and knows exactly how to hook people into it.

If you ever read some of the comments of porn actresses, many of them admit to being abused as children and really dislike men. The acting..role playing and fake fantasy world of this business is bad enough, but the way it ruins families and people's lives in the process is criminal.