Getting Started; reclaming my life

[Humanbeing]

Hey Y'all,

Just getting started here. In a college student in mid-20s and I've been struggling since 15 or maybe earlier. This site appealed to me because I'm not a big fan of the "quit porn; read the bible" sites out there (no offense :)
Also I really like the anonymous and online format of this because online is where my PA makes me waste my life. The only paradox is that I used to hide my PA and today I will have to hide my TTF account! Anybody struggle with this?

So shortly, for me my PA is kind of giving up on my active real life. It's like a drug (it is a drug right?); sometimes I rationalize and say it's not so bad just 10-20 minutes a day, but I realize that this sets me up for going on a binge when I have a bad day. Also PA as a teacher makes me think that it's ok to do nothing with my weekends, just having immediate -a couple clicks...climax- gratification. I realize we all have so much to contribute to the world, and if PA is making me waste time and distorting my values I will have no part in it. I don't necessarily think PA is horrible (although not great), but at this point in my life it is not helping me.

So attacking my PA means re-engaging with life on all levels, but also trying to make sure that my values of feminism and equal rights and respect for women match what I choose to look at online.

When I say reengaging with life I also mean looking at the possibility of having real intimacy with a women, a real relationship, REAL!

I'm not sure how I feel about MB yet, since I stopped P I haven't (2 or 3 days ago). I tried to stop multiple times and then kind of gave up thinking it was impossible; I've also given up on other things in my life, but now I realize how addicting PA is, and hey if I relapse that's ok, I will not be too hard on myself --> just keep the vision in mind!

Anyways good luck to you all!

[Desert Ghost]

Hey Y'all,

Just getting started here. In a college student in mid-20s and I've been struggling since 15 or maybe earlier. This site appealed to me because I'm not a big fan of the "quit porn; read the bible" sites out there (no offense :)
Also I really like the anonymous and online format of this because online is where my PA makes me waste my life. The only paradox is that I used to hide my PA and today I will have to hide my TTF account! Anybody struggle with this?

So shortly, for me my PA is kind of giving up on my active real life. It's like a drug (it is a drug right?); sometimes I rationalize and say it's not so bad just 10-20 minutes a day, but I realize that this sets me up for going on a binge when I have a bad day. Also PA as a teacher makes me think that it's ok to do nothing with my weekends, just having immediate -a couple clicks...climax- gratification. I realize we all have so much to contribute to the world, and if PA is making me waste time and distorting my values I will have no part in it. I don't necessarily think PA is horrible (although not great), but at this point in my life it is not helping me.

So attacking my PA means re-engaging with life on all levels, but also trying to make sure that my values of feminism and equal rights and respect for women match what I choose to look at online.

When I say reengaging with life I also mean looking at the possibility of having real intimacy with a women, a real relationship, REAL!

I'm not sure how I feel about MB yet, since I stopped P I haven't (2 or 3 days ago). I tried to stop multiple times and then kind of gave up thinking it was impossible; I've also given up on other things in my life, but now I realize how addicting PA is, and hey if I relapse that's ok, I will not be too hard on myself --> just keep the vision in mind!

Anyways good luck to you all!

Humanbeing,

Welcome to TTF, and if you are truly ready to quit PA you will find plenty of helpful bits of Wisdom on this site. But, it sounds like you really are not ready to quit the addiction. Because there is NO such thing as casual P use, it would be like saying that you are a casual Meth user. So you are going to have to decide will it be P or P-free, there is no in-between. An weather you believe it or not P has already distorted how you view women. I know this for a fact, because like you I fooled myself in saying I don't objectify women. But, once I started to unravel my addiction I saw that what I believe and what I was doing were two different things.

An do not fool yourself that you can do this by yourself. This addiction is more powerful then you know. Find your self a Therapist and a support group, I would suggest an SAA group because they use the Twelve Step Program. SAA is not like AA that wants you to total turn yourself over to religion. SAA is non-religious, but it will help you to know that you are not allow in dealing with the addiction.

[Humanbeing]

Hey DesertGhost and thanks for your response,
I understand your concern with my commitment. Quite honestlyI'm not a 100% commited to going P free for life. I guess my stance right now is that P is not helping me at all, and is at best confusing me, making me waste time, but I don't feel like it's horrible. This is another thing I appreciated with this site is that there was a clause about the belief in freedom of choice. Maybe at some point in my life I will be one of these people; but not today.
I think you are right my views of women are distorted, but P is only one of the channels that has done this, and I can activily recreate a better view of them.
I am seing a therapist; they are not completely against P, but recommended me to stop using.

I think I could have a commitment of a year and see how that works for me; any thought?

Gool luck eveyrbody,

[Humanbeing]

*one of those people that can use in a healthy way. Just like some people use other drugs (alcohol, cafeine..) in a non-destructive way.

[boris]

Hi Humanbeing,

I can appreciate where you are coming from, and commend you for your commitment to break the addiction. I do agree with Desert Ghost, that there is no such thing as harmless occasional P viewing. Don't think of it as caffeine or a occasional drink.

I try to think of it as a beautifully decorated cake, laced with excrement and heroin. I may really want to run my finger over it and just taste the icing. It looks tempting, but knowing what it's made of, do I really want to put even a little bit of that in my mouth? The same mouth I kiss my loved ones with? Would they ever want to kiss me, knowing what's been in my mouth?

We are what we eat.

I'm sure that the longer we remain P free, the more appreciation we will develop for how destructive and filthy it all is, and for how important it is that we give it no room in our lives.

I always admired my cousin, who could enjoy an occasional social cigarette. I was not that person. Then once I quit smoking for a period of time I changed my point of view. Now when I see him have that occasional cigarette, I think "Man, he's putting cr*p into his lungs because he wants to, he's not even addicted to it!". But he's still killing a little piece of himself each time he does it. We can't afford to waste even a little piece of ourselves. We're worth more than that.

With time hopefully we'll think of P viewing that way. It's about making over our minds,and that is an ongoing process.

You're here, and that's a good start.

Boris

[Desert Ghost]

AMEN! boris,

[Humanbeing]

Thanks for your posts,

Boris I like the analogy, and can see how porn since it is so addictive for me can be like this cake I really want to eat it, but it will only bring disease and badness in my life.

I just wonder on what grounds do you see porn as destructive as eating heroin and excrements? For me to figure this out, I need to understand why I think this is, so bad for me, and it is useful to hear the same from others. I mean you know people who use heroin prostitute themselves in order to find the money to use more... I just don't want to dramatize a behavior, even if I do indeed want to quit it.

Maybe in a year i will agree with you that porn is as bad as heroin and excrements, when I gain deeper insight into how porn has affected my life; for now I'm thinking...

Humanbeing

[maggie]

Humanbeing,

Welcome and congrats for even looking into stopping your porn use. I can totally understand how you don't see porn as some awful, terrible destructive force...out to destroy men right now.

When I was younger, there were a few young couples that played around with P and shared a few soft core magazines with each other. My husband & I laughed about it, it was unusual and so risky.. the big no no, we all laughed about it. That was it. For them and for us. We saw P as this naughty thing that some weird, lonely men used to satisfy their urges because they didn't know how to find a loving relationship.

Well, that was 20 years ago. Unfortunately, my good, successful, honorable husband started receiving P from his best friend, a well respected physician, in our community about 3 years ago, and got hooked. BAD doesn't describe the situation... SICK is a better description.

He nearly lost his successful career over it, he isolated himself from every person and social activity he use to enjoy and the worst part is that our 20 year marriage is over. And, until 3 years ago, we were both very happy and content.

This stuff has a sneaky way of creeping into your mind and into you ability to make choices that will benefit you and those you care about. It changes a man's outlook of life, what's pleasurable and what's valuable and where to focus your energy and passion.

Don't make any commitments that you don't feel strongly about, but please.... please....continue to read about the addictive aspects of Porn, the brain chemicals and the changes that most PA's experience. Information and knowledge....that's all.

[Newlifeman]

Humanbeing,

I want to commend you for realizing on your own and at your age that Porn is not good for you. I will also echo the other posters in encourageing you to read in here on a daily basis if possible, and to find a support group when you are ready. I am in a support group by the name of Celebrate Recovery. It is a Christian based 12 step program, however is is run by fomer addicts of all types whom have recovered from their addictions. They have all been there and do not judge anyone. If nothing else, give it a google, can't hurt.

I started my P use a long time ago, and continued it along with chatting into my marriage. I thought I could quit, but didn't and this was discovered by my wife 3 times throughout our 9 years of marriage. Only this last time, when I lost everything, my wife, family, etc, did I come to realize I had a problem and it WAS NOT OKAY to do this. Because I liked it way back in the beginning, I kept doing it, I thought like you, it really isn't that bad. Before I knew it, I was lying, cheating, hurting, and doing ANYTHING to hide it and do it again. That is the future that continued P use will most likely hold for you. That is why the comparison to drugs in the last post is so true. Casual use of P turns into an addiction which we often don't see and we will be in denial of the problem to the detriment of ourselves and all those around us!

I hope this helps provide some clarity as to where some of us are coming from concerning how destructive P is! We want to help you NOW, before P becomes so entrenched that it leaves a trail of destruction behind when it finally hits critical mass!

Okay, with all of that said, we are all here to support you! Yes, we will push to some extent perhaps, but always with the best of intensions. We understand where you are coming from and you will not find a better group of people to ask questions to or simply vent to about your day. Welcome!

[Humanbeing]

Maggieliz & Newlifeman thank you for your support,

It helps to see how extreme an effect P can have on addicts. I think that P for me is part of my depression problem. It is a mechanism I have used to cope with my depression. The problem is that it is destructive.
It makes me not care about anything in real life, like going to work, classes, doing my work, being with people...

I wonder though can I just limit my P use?
I'm sure P is completely destructive for some, but some people I know are doing fine with P. A close friend of mine has a stable relationship with a girlfriend and uses p daily. I think in my generation, few are the people who do not use p. I could be wrong...

Maybe I am just saying this because I just relapsed and feel like I cannot beat this... it's too strong. So why waste time trying?

As you can tell I am pretty confused, and am even wondering if this TTF is for me.

thanks